A healthy relationship should be a two-way street, no exception. Giving affection only to receive nothing in return isn’t only demoralizing, it can become downright toxic. While it’s not necessarily entirely doomed, here’s how to deal with an unaffectionate guy so you can either get what you need from him or move on to someone new.
- Don’t beg for his attention. You don’t want him to think that you’re desperate for it. If he’s not affectionate, he’s simply not and you can’t “fix” him by pestering him. I’m not saying that you should settle with his emotional unavailability, but don’t nag or guilt-trip him into giving you the affection you deserve because he’ll only get frustrated or start hating you for being manipulative. Imagine begging away only to get a half-hearted display of affection just because he wants you off his back? Yeah, not worth it.
- Remember that love doesn’t require constant physical touch. People often think that a kiss is the only way to show love and a hug is the only way to tell someone how much you missed them. These physical gestures have become a generic scale by which most people measure their relationships. The lack of this doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t care about you.
- Be honest about what you expect from him. Unless your guy is a mind-reader, chances are he has no idea what you’re expecting from him and how you’d like to be treated in terms of affection. Everyone needs affection and relationships should provide it, but this kind of connection is also based on a lot of other deep stuff. Without nagging him, calmly tell him how you feel, but don’t make sharp accusations like “you never give me any affection.” Start your statements with “I feel like…” and after you’re done, give him the chance to share his views and feelings.
- Focus on the little things that matter most. When was the last time you flirted with each other? We’re so busy being couples that we forget we’re lovers first. Take a step back, breathe, and think about his quirks for a second. What’s special about him? There has to be a reason you’re together, so there’s no harm in telling him that you appreciate all the silly things he does to make you smile. If you do this often, it could encourage him to be more demonstrative.
- Find out his love language. Ever thought that maybe you and your partner are speaking different love languages? It happens! For some physical intimacy takes priority, while for others spending quality time doing something fun together is important. Instead of pointing fingers and playing the blame game, try to understand his love language and be honest about yours. When you know the love languages you speak, you’ll be able to love and be loved in the way you desire.
- Embrace the new meaning of affection and learn to compromise. When I learned my partner’s love language, I’ll be honest, I refused to accept it as his way of being affectionate. For me, PDA was a Public Display of Affection, but for him, it was a Private Display of Affection – poles apart. Relationships are all about compromise, and when I accepted that, life was smooth. The same goes for you, girl. Maybe cooking your favorite meal is his way of showing you his love and affection? I mean, as long as he loves you to the moon and back, a few compromises here and there shouldn’t rock your boat.
- Help him heal from past traumatic relations. Maybe your guy lacks affection because he’s been through some rough times in the past. Maybe a traumatic childhood or an emotionally draining relationship in the past has made him reluctant to show affection. If that’s the case, help him heal by making your relationship emotionally safe until he’s ready to bloom again.
- Make sure you know how much you appreciate his gestures of affection. Let’s not forget that you fell for each other. There has to be a reason why you chose him and why he chose you. You’re both great in your own ways and that’s what makes this relationship unique – you complement each other. If he’s willing to address your romantic needs, be his ray of sunshine and cheer him on by telling him that you appreciate all his efforts, big or small.
- Accept that he may never change. Relationships aren’t about altering the person you’re seeing. If lack of affection is a deal-breaker, you need to revisit the reasons why you’re together, especially if he’s not willing to change. If unconditional love is what you strive for, acceptance is required when dealing with an unaffectionate partner. Acceptance doesn’t mean settling for BS, mind you, you have standards, remember that. Lastly, relationships are about more than candlelit dinners, flowers, and gifts, but if you’re not ready to accept that he’ll remain emotionally unavailable, then maybe it’s time for a talk.
