OK, so you didn’t end up with Prince Charming. Instead, you’re with a guy who you get along with quite well but who just so happens to be stunted in the romance department. Here’s how to deal if you sometimes feel like you’re more friends than lovers.
Ask yourself if this is a dealbreaker. Yes, it’s OK to dump a guy for not being romantic enough. Just know that traits like these are really hard to change. Some women don’t care for the spontaneous flowers or “just thinking about you” notes and they’d probably love to date your boyfriend. But if that stuff is what you need in a relationship, be honest with yourself. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with craving romance, and there’s a better fit out there who’ll love to treat you like the queen you are.
Witness how his mom and dad interact. A lot of times, these behaviors are learned. If his dad and mom have a similarly dry dynamic, he probably thinks this is totally normal. If that’s the case, he may need a little bit of guidance. If he tries to make it seem like you’re being high maintenance, gently remind him that every relationship is different. Just don’t let him try and make you feel bad for needing a bit more romance in your life.
Try and identify the other ways he shows love. It may not be with romantic gestures, but it could be other small actions you don’t even think about. Does he always make sure you’ve got plenty of fresh towels when you stay over? Does he cook breakfast for you when you’ve had a long night? Maybe he just knows not to call or text during a specific time of the night since he knows your favorite show is on. It might not be a personalized poem or a bouquet of daisies, but these are small acts that should make you feel really good.
Don’t compare yourself to his exes. If you’re not feeling a ton of romance, the worst you can do is try and speculate how he treated ex-girlfriends. Maybe you heard about a trip he took with his last girlfriend and feel a little jealous over the fact that he’s only taken you to the mall. The truth is, you don’t know who booked that trip or what they did. It was a completely different relationship and it obviously came to an end.
Try not to make yourself feel even worse while talking to friends. You probably have some friends in some fresh relationships who want to gossip about all the romantic ways they’ve been courted. Obviously, your relationship didn’t start the same way, but hearing about other people in romantic situations may make you feel like you’re alone, or that your boyfriend simply doesn’t care. Remember that relationships are built on a lot more than gestures. Their guys may shower them with roses and fancy nights out, but it doesn’t mean they’re better boyfriends.
Make sure to practice self-care. It’s not a guy’s responsibility to pamper you. You need to do that for yourself on occasion. That means that if you’ve had a long day, you need to be prepped to have a face mask and a large glass of wine ready. Expecting your guy to give you a sensual one-hour massage based on the kindness of his heart will just lead to disappointment. You know that’s not the kind of guy he is. Thus, those expectations need to be dropped if you want to continue forward.
Figure out if this affects your sex life. Romance and sex go hand-in-hand. If your guy is refusing to go out on fancy dates, that’s one thing, but if every sexual experience is bland and unsatisfying, that’s another. Sex drives that don’t match will lead to disaster down the road, so that’s an issue that’s worth trying to fix before resentment really hits.
Communicate about it before it turns into a fight. A lack of romance may eventually lead to an explosive fight. Don’t keep your thoughts and feelings on the matter to yourself. Even though you’ll never morph him into a Romeo, maybe he’ll at least try to work some more romantic gestures into his routine if he knows how much it means to you.
Remember why you started dating him in the first place. There had to be some reason why you agreed to be exclusive. Maybe it’s his killer sense of humor or the fact that he always shows kindness to the people around him. These are his best attributes, and the things that set him aside from everyone else out there. Remember, no guy is perfect, and if lacking a natural sense of romance is the only thing missing, you’re pretty lucky.
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