So you’ve found yourself around a covert narcissist, huh? Don’t worry, you’re not alone in this tricky situation. Covert narcissists can be quite the handful. Well, I’ve got your back with some strategies to help you navigate this emotional mess. Let’s talk about how to deal with these master manipulators while keeping your sanity intact.
1. Recognize the Signs
According to Psych Central, covert narcissists are pros at playing the victim, turning every situation into a “woe is me” scenario. They’re also masters of passive-aggressiveness—think eye rolls, sighs, and those backhanded compliments that leave you feeling confused. Oh, and empathy? They might put on a good show of caring, but it’s all part of their act.
2. Set Clear Boundaries
Now, let’s talk about boundaries. Start by figuring out what you’re okay with and what’s absolutely not cool. Be specific—instead of “respect me,” try “don’t interrupt me when I’m speaking.” When you’re laying down these laws, use “I” statements to avoid triggering their defensive mode. For example, “I feel frustrated when my opinions are dismissed” works better than “You always ignore what I say.” Expect some pushback but stay strong!
3. Limit Emotional Exposure
Sharing is caring, right? Well, not with a covert narcissist. The less they know, the better. When you’re interacting with them, imagine you’re discussing the weather forecast—keep it neutral and boring. Talk about facts, not feelings. If they try to pry, change the subject as fast as possible.
4. Avoid Engaging in Arguments
Arguing with a covert narcissist is frustrating and pointless. Your best bet? Don’t play their game. Start by identifying what usually kicks off these verbal boxing matches. Is it certain topics? Times of day? Once you know the triggers, you can sidestep them. When you feel an argument brewing, ask yourself: “Is this hill worth dying on?” If it’s not a major issue, let it slide. For the big stuff, stay calm and stick to the facts.
5. Seek Support
Dealing with a covert narcissist can make you feel like you’re going crazy. That’s why having a support squad is crucial. Find your people—friends, family, or even a support group for people dealing with narcissists. These are your reality checkers, your venting buddies, your “Am I overreacting?” answered. Consider therapy too. A good therapist can help you develop coping strategies, boost your self-esteem, and heal from the emotional bruises. L
6. Document Interactions
Alright, time to channel your inner detective! Choose your weapon of documentation—a trusty notebook, a secret app on your phone, or a password-protected document on your computer. Whatever works for you, as long as it’s secure and easy to use. Now, when you’re writing things down, be detailed—write down the date, time, and what exactly went down. This might seem like overkill, but trust me, it’s a lifesaver when the narcissist tries to gaslight you or twist events.
7. Be Aware of Gaslighting
Speaking of gaslighting, let’s talk about this sneaky tactic. Covert narcissists might deny saying something you clearly remember, or insist an event happened differently than you recall. Here’s the thing: trust your gut. Keep an eye out for phrases like “You’re too sensitive,” “That never happened,” or “You’re imagining things.” These are classic gaslighting red flags. Remember, you’re not crazy— they’re just trying to make you think you are.
8. Develop Emotional Resilience
Developing resilience when dealing with a covert narcissist is so worth it. Start by getting to know yourself better. What pushes your buttons? What calms you down? Understanding your emotional triggers and soothing techniques is like having a roadmap for your feelings. Also, consider trying out some resilience-building activities. Meditation, journaling, or even resilience workshops can be great tools.
9. Avoid Seeking Their Approval
Chasing a covert narcissist’s approval is exhausting and pointless. Start practicing self-validation. It might feel weird at first, but it gets easier. Celebrate your own achievements, no matter how small. Did you get through a tough conversation without losing your cool? That’s win-worthy! When you feel that urge for their approval creeping in, redirect it. Ask yourself, “What would my best friend say about this?” Chances are, they’d be a lot kinder and more supportive than the narcissist.
10. Be Prepared for Subtle Manipulation
Keep an eye out for guilt trips (“After all I’ve done for you…”), playing the victim (“Why does everything bad always happen to me?”), or indirect comments that make you feel bad about yourself. These are all classic moves in the covert narcissist playbook. And make sure you trust your feelings! If something feels off, even if you can’t put your finger on why, listen to that inner voice.
11. Practice Self-Care
Make a list of activities that recharge your batteries. Maybe it’s reading a good book, taking a long bath, or going for a run. Whatever floats your boat and doesn’t sink your mental health. Schedule regular “me time” like it’s a non-negotiable appointment. Put it in your calendar if you have to. Treat it with the same importance as you would a work meeting or a doctor’s appointment. Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup, especially when dealing with a covert narcissist who’s always trying to drink from it.
12. Educate Yourself
Knowledge is power, especially when it comes to dealing with covert narcissists. Hit the books (or the internet). Look for reputable sources on narcissism and covert narcissism. Books, articles by psychologists, and academic papers can all be gold mines of information. Follow mental health experts on social media. They often share bite-sized nuggets of wisdom that can be super helpful in day-to-day interactions. The more you understand about covert narcissism, the better equipped you’ll be to handle it.
13. Stay Calm and Detached
Remember, their actions are designed to provoke a reaction. Practice responding in a calm, neutral tone. Think of yourself as a robot (but, you know, a friendly one)—factual, unemotional responses are your best friends here. If you feel yourself getting worked up, use calming techniques. Deep breaths, counting to ten, or even visualizing a peaceful place can help. It’s like having a mini-vacation in your mind.
14. Use the “Gray Rock” Technique
iStock/YakobchukOlenaAccording to Medical News Today, the Gray Rock technique is acting to be as interesting and reactive as, well, a gray rock. When interacting with the narcissist, keep your responses boring and minimal. “Yes,” “No,” “Maybe,” and “I don’t know” become your lingo. This technique can be tough at first. It might feel rude or unnatural. But remember, you’re protecting yourself from manipulation.
15. Avoid Personalizing Their Behavior
Here’s a truth for you: a covert narcissist’s behavior is about them, not you. When they lash out or try to manipulate you, remind yourself that it’s a reflection of their issues, not your worth. This detachment can help you respond more effectively and protect your self-esteem. Remember, you’re not responsible for their behavior or for fixing them. That’s their journey, not yours.
