Now that people are more comfortable with the idea of women asking mem on dates, it’s time for everyone to get comfortable with women inviting men for some no strings attached fun too. If you’re wanting to take your desire for casual sex into your own hands but aren’t sure where to start, here’s how to ask a guy to hook up.
- Pick the right person to ask. First things first: pick someone who you think will say yes. Being rejected by someone you’ve just asked out is bad enough; being rejected by someone you’ve just asked to sleep with you is arguably worse. No matter how good their reasons are for not wanting to hook up, you will still feel like they’re saying, “Sorry, I find your body repulsive.” Before asking someone to have casual sex with you, therefore, you should be pretty confident they’ll accept.
- Establish where he’s coming from. You can’t have any assurance about whether a person is interested in hooking up without knowing what they’re looking for. Don’t make assumptions. Married men have been known to harmlessly flirt without having any intention to take it further. And maybe the guy who keeps looking over at you is only looking for something serious. Make sure you know what a guy is looking for before asking him if he wants to hook up.
- Build chemistry. Most people would be somewhat bemused if a random stranger approached them with a proposition of sex. No matter how casual the hookup, you need some kind of buildup to decide whether you’re interested. Figuring out how to flirt with your crush is the best way to lay this foundation. Make eye contact, have a playful conversation, and make it clear that you’re into him before telling him what you want. He’ll be in a much better position to say yes.
- Be indirect. If this is your first time asking a guy to hook up, you might want to go for a delicate approach. This is essentially just an extension of flirting. Start asking him more suggestive questions, such as, “What do you like in bed?” or simply saying, “I want to kiss you so badly right now.” Without saying exactly what you want, you’re indicating that you’re attracted to him and interested in physical intimacy. Things will unfold naturally from there.
- Be direct (though not literal). Chances are, you won’t want to walk up to a guy and say, “Excuse me, sir. Would you do me the honor of having one-off sex with me this evening?” Luckily, our culture has developed codes to say this without actually saying it. For example, “Wanna go back to my place?” is widely accepted to mean the same thing as “Wanna have sex?” without the discomfort of actually using the s-e-x word or sounding too abrupt.
- Do it over text. Too shy to ask in person? Send him a message instead. There are even more ways to tactfully tell someone you want to bang through text. “Netflix and chill?” “U up?” and “Do you have any plans tonight?” are all widely-used examples of invitations for sex. You can be more subtle by starting a conversation with him before inviting him over. “How was your day?” is a sweet prelude to the real topic at hand.
- Get him to ask you. If you really can’t bring yourself to ask, get him to ask you. This doesn’t have to be complicated. Flirt, show him you’re attracted to him, make it clear that you’re open to sex, and let the rest take care of itself. Our society conditions men to be proactive in romance and women to be passive. Because of this, a guy is more likely to put himself out there and ask a woman to hook up than the other way around. If you’re uncomfortable doing the asking, you can use this dynamic to your advantage.
- Get cozy with him. Physical proximity is a great way to both confirm that a guy is interested in you, and turn him on. A simple brush on his arm or leg, a light touch on his back, or a full-on kiss will do more talking than any verbal invitation of a hookup could. You’ll obviously need to communicate your wishes at some point to avoid miscommunication, but by the time you’ve flirted and broken the touch barrier, you’ll be a lot less nervous about getting rejected when you finally ask.
How to tell someone you’re looking for a no strings attached arrangement
- Tell them early. You may not want to say, “Hey, do you want to come back to my place and have meaningless sex one time and never see each other again?” but if you want to have a great hookup experience, you should shoot for something along those lines. Letting a guy know from the beginning that you’re not looking for a relationship will help him shut down any feelings that he might catch during sex. It might feel awkward and unromantic to do it at the same time as when you ask him to hook up, but it is the kindest time.
- Say you’re just looking for a good time. When you tell a guy that you’re not interested in a relationship when you ask if he wants to hook up, he might take it as a rejection rather than an invitation. To avoid this, explain why you want a no-strings-attached encounter in positive terms. Tell him you just want to have some fun, or that you’re enjoying being single. You could even tell him that you aren’t interested in sex right now but he’s so hot that he broke your resolve. Frame your hookup invitation as a compliment and he will simultaneously understand where you’re coming from and be flattered.
- Prove it with your actions. Some people refuse to listen to a truth they don’t want to believe. If he’s showing signs of attachment and emotion even after you’ve told him that you just want something casual, show him that you meant what you said. Don’t spend the night with him. Don’t cuddle after sex. And for the love of God, don’t lead him on with flirty texts that sound as if you’re falling for him. Back yourself up with actions and he will have to face reality.