It’s hard to understand how to support someone struggling with infertility, especially when you can’t relate. Even if you’ve endured infertility yourself, another person’s story, emotions, fears, and needs can be completely different. This is a delicate, precious matter that shouldn’t be taken lightly. Supporting a loved one whose dream of having a family seems out of grasp must be approached with the utmost empathy, grace, and respect.
My best friend from college struggled to become pregnant for years, and while I can’t understand exactly what she went through, I know what it means to be there for someone on this journey. I’d like to share 15 ways you can support your friend struggling with infertility. I pray these avenues of help offer peace and hope for both of you:
1. Don’t pretend to understand if you can’t.
As I mentioned, I couldn’t understand what my best friend was enduring. Though I had serious female issues of my own, I wasn’t struggling to conceive. This made me cautious to avoid phrases like, “I totally get what you’re going through,” and “Trust me, friend, I’ve been there.” These are common sayings we throw around, typically with good intentions, as a means to show someone we’re empathetic. But if we’re dishonest about our experiences, we dilute their distress and have turned the attention to ourselves.
2. Send daily encouraging texts.
It doesn’t have to be more than an “I’m thinking of you, girl. Call if you need anything” text. Of course, this doesn’t change her situation, but it lets her know that she is always in your heart and on your mind. No matter the good days or bad days, she can count on you to check on her.
3. Send flowers.
After my friend’s miscarriage, another friend sent her a gorgeous bouquet of white roses. I’ll never forget how deep, thoughtful, and even healing this act was for my friend. It let her know that losing her baby was worthy of grief. Perhaps you can send flowers or another tender gift to your friend. This surprise could turn a heavy day into one filled with hope.
4. Watch out for isolation.
Watch out for signs that your friend who is struggling with infertility isn’t isolating herself. Sadness and depression want us to keep to ourselves, allowing the heavy, negative thoughts and emotions to control us. Be the friend who speaks up when your friend starts spending unhealthy amounts of time alone. Sit with them in their sadness.
5. Be cautious of your conversations.
Be careful of the conversations you create, especially when you’re around someone who is suffering. If your friend is having trouble conceiving, now probably isn’t the time to mention that you’re going to so-and-so’s baby shower. This doesn’t mean your friend no longer wants to hear how your kiddos are doing, but don’t bombard her with conversations centered on pregnancy announcements, gender reveal parties, baby showers, etc.
6. Consider the places you take her.
Just as you’re cautious of your conversations, consider the places you take your friend who is struggling with infertility. Don’t drag her down the baby clothes aisle while you pick out an outfit for your little niece. If you two are spending the day shopping, don’t ask her to help you debate which stroller to purchase for your toddler.
7. Don’t act as her doctor.
Even if you’re a pediatrician, OBGYN, or award-winning brain surgeon, don’t act as your friend’s doctor. She doesn’t have you in her small, trusted circle so you can say that it’s probably her stress that’s causing infertility. She doesn’t need your criticism or push to try IVF. She doesn’t need your advice on the medications or natural remedies she should be trying either.
8. Know when to be quiet.
Often, we like to fill silence with words, whether we’ve thought them through or not. Most of us do this to avoid how awkward it feels to simply sit beside someone, especially if they’re crying. But don’t allow your fear of being uncomfortable to encourage you to open your mouth when you shouldn’t. You know your friend, which means if you respectfully assess how she’s doing that day, you’ll know when to keep quiet.
9. Monitor what you post on social media.
I know people who’ve tried IVF and it worked, and I know families who’ve tried and it failed. I know friends who adopted because they couldn’t conceive, and I know couples who didn’t adopt because, simply put, they wanted their own biological child. This means that I’m mindful of the content I post, the debates I hop into, and the tone of my words when I’m posting particular things on social media. Just as I want to be mindful of what I say to a friend who is struggling with infertility, I want to be mindful of what I share online.
10. Get her out of the house.
iStock/Antonio GuillemYou know your friend better than most. Does she like visiting the local ice cream shop? Does she enjoy visiting the farmer’s market or plant shop? Will she try on outfits from her favorite boutique for hours on end? Find some time to pick her up and get her out of the house. Spot her coffee. Pay for the gas. Do whatever you need to do to ensure she sees the sunshine, delves into a few of her favorite things, and feels free to laugh and live a little, regardless of how she’s struggling.
11. Remind her of who she is.
When our friends are going through a hard time, they might not seem like the friends we once knew. But they are. And it’s up to us to make sure they remember who they are. That might mean sending her a favorite Golden Girls meme or door-dashing her favorite lavender latte. It could look like sending her a song or poem that highlights her strength and courage.
12. Safeguard her circle.
When someone is down, it’s easy for haters, or outright bullies, to prey on them. As a true friend, you can be the safeguard of her heart. This might look like sternly reminding family or friends that what they’re saying is hurtful or (respectfully) coming to her aid in a social media war zone. You don’t have to be overzealous, but be willing to stand in the gap for your friend who is already balancing a heavy burden.
13. Understand her boyfriend/husband.
If your friend is going through infertility struggles, that means her boyfriend/husband is too. The couple, as a whole, is negatively impacted by this. When you take time to ask your friend how her boyfriend/husband is, it lets her know that you care about both of them.
14. Respect her space.
Even though you might be her best friend and most trusted confidant, she will still need her own space. Grief is an odd thing, an unpredictable journey of highs and lows. On days when your friend needs time to herself, respect that. Don’t take it personally; don’t think she’s ignoring you or dismissing your support. Instead, show her just how much you support her by letting her have time to herself when needed.
15. Keep a check on yourself.
Each week, take a few moments to check in on what kind of friend you’re being. Has it been a while (too long) since you sent a text or picked her up for a walk in the park? Have you sent too many texts and showed up at her house practically every night? Maybe it’s time to scale up or scale back how you’ve handled your friend’s infertility struggle. A good friend shows up with their best self, and that requires honest, consistent self-evaluation.
