If you’re close with your friends, you have probably experienced numerous “meet my new boyfriend” dinners/casual drinks/coffee breaks. Your opinion on her new guy is almost as important as her own mother’s, and it goes both ways. She has this new guy she’s really into, but she wants to make sure the people she trusts the most get the same good vibes from him that she’s getting. So what happens when you kind of hate him? It’s your duty as a good friend to let her know, but tread lightly.
Make sure you give him a real chance first.
First impressions can be deceiving. He was probably nervous to meet you (if he has any sense), so don’t judge him just because he was a little quiet. Get to know him a little before you draw any firm conclusions.
Think about why you don’t like him.
Maybe the two of you just don’t see eye to eye on certain things. But he doesn’t need to be your soul mate. As long as he treats your friend well, and she’s happy, that’s what matters.
Don’t jump to conclusions.
So, they had a fight and she calls you crying. That doesn’t automatically mean he did something unspeakable. Every couple fights, but as long as it stays civil, there’s no reason to put all the blame on his supposed loser status.
Talk to her in person.
If you’ve come to the conclusion that he’s all wrong for her, the best thing you can do is talk to her in person. Texts can be misconstrued, emails are too impersonal, it’s too easy to hang up on a phone call. In person, you’ll be able to really gauge her reaction, and have a chance to explain yourself.
Have concrete evidence.
If there’s a specific reason you think he’s a loser, like he came on to you or he’s clearly controlling, use that. Just having a “bad feeling” about him will be too easy for her to brush off. That being said, sometimes that “bad feeling” is enough, and if other friends in your group feel the same way, you might be able to use that as a jumping off point for feeling out how deep she’s really in with this guy.
Listen to her.
Most likely she’ll attempt to defend her guy, because that’s what girls do. If she’s really into him, she’s going to have explanations for his questionable behavior. Listen to the way she justifies his behavior and decide whether she seems open to what you’re saying. Has she changed since she’s been with him? See if she’s willing to talk about her concerns, or if she’s just pretending that everything is perfect when it clearly isn’t.
Let it sink in.
She’s not going to find out you don’t like him and immediately call him up to dump him… although that would be nice. You have to let what you’ve said sink in, so give her a chance to come to a conclusion on her own. You can’t control her ultimate decision; all you can do is plant the seed that maybe this guy isn’t quite the Prince Charming she thought he was.
Don’t expect a positive reaction right away.
It’s reasonable to expect your friend to be angry at you for bringing up negative things she probably already noticed about her boyfriend. She might be in denial, and no one likes being forced to come back to reality. She’ll get over it if you give her time.
Don’t make it about your friendship.
Don’t ever give her an ultimatum or say she’s going to lose you as a friend if she stays with her guy. If you say that, you’ll have no choice but to stick by it, and if he’s really that bad, you don’t want her to end up isolated and therefore even less likely to ever leave him.
Make sure she knows you’re there for her.
Whatever she needs, you’re there. Ultimately, she has to make this decision on her own. If she decides to try to make it work with him, just continue to be a good friend in case anything changes. Also, you never know, he might turn out to not be as bad as you thought. So, give him another chance if that’s what your friend wants. Just keep your guard up until you’re sure.
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