Is He Making Love To You Or Just Having Sex? 10 Ways to Know

Not every sexual encounter has to be some deep meeting of souls if that’s not what you’re after, but if you are seriously (or even semi-seriously) dating a guy, it’s worth knowing whether what you’re doing in the bedroom is making love or simply having sex. Here are a few different scenarios for what might be happening between the sheets that should give you a good indication about where he stands.

  1. It’s always quick and dirty. He never spends too much time with you. It’s get in, get naked, reach orgasm, get dressed, and get out. Your reason for getting together generally centers on sex, and if there’s no possibility of that happening, you don’t see each other. If there’s not much of anything else going on, you’re likely just a sex buddy and that’s all he’s ever going to see you as.
  2. There’s very little communication before, during, or after sex. Guys that are there to have sex aren’t really interested in what kind of sex you like or if you’re having fun. They don’t tell you where they’re going when they leave, and they don’t like a lot of questions about their life outside the bedroom. He’s just there for the sex if communicating with him is like trying to catch a bee in a baggie.
  3. There’s no eye contact. When you’re intimate, his eyes are closed. When you look up at him, he’s not really interested in watching you; he’s just trying to decide if he should come now or later. If you open your eyes just before you reach orgasm and he isn’t even into seeing the look on your face, he doesn’t care. Eye contact is intimate and he’s not there for the feel-good vibes.
  4. There’s no physical contact after climax. No cuddling. No hair petting. No bum pats or rubs. No back tickles. He rolls over, probably goes to the bathroom, and gets dressed or falls asleep. In his mind, this keeps sex and emotions separate – just the way he wants them.
  5. He goes home (or expects you to go home) almost immediately. After you’ve both reached the goal of orgasm (hopefully, he got you there at least) he’s pretty eager to be on his own. As Embry Women’s Health says, “When love is not in the picture but merely getting sexual pleasure, saying goodbye is never a problem.”
  6. There’s minimal communication between encounters. You might have seen this guy several times or you may even have gotten together with him many times, but communication between sex dates is almost non-existent. There are no good morning texts. No phone calls to chat about your day. And he certainly isn’t meeting you for a cup of coffee mid-week. Communication mostly involves setting up a time to have sex again.
  7. He doesn’t ask what you want. If he doesn’t it’s pretty safe to assume it is because he doesn’t care. It might be because he is just inexperienced with relationships, but if he’s doing anything on this list, that’s doubtful. Men who make love ask what you want so they can make you happy in bed.
  8. There’s more taking than giving. If he’s just taking what he wants and doesn’t make any effort to give and to please you, he’s just having sex with you. Making love requires give and take. Sometimes that give and take is a pleasure for both partners. For most people who make love, giving is part of the pleasure though.
  9. You had an orgasm but you don’t feel fulfilled. Orgasms that come from a place of affection and intimacy leave you feeling happy and satisfied. Orgasms that come from just having sex often leave you feeling empty and alone. If the latter describes how you feel, it’s not your fault. But it might be a sign that this guy is not bringing any value to your life.
  10. You’re left wanting more. You may not be able to define it, but after he leaves, you feel like you need more. You want more. More affection. More cuddling. More intimacy. Maybe even more orgasms. When you just have sex with someone, it does very little more than quenching a thirst for a brief period.  It’s like drinking lukewarm, flat soda on a boiling day.

If just sex is what you’re looking for, that’s your choice – no judgment here. But when that’s not enough anymore, it’s important to find a partner that knows how to (and wants to) make love, at least sometimes. It might be tempting to think that he just doesn’t understand the importance of things like eye contact and communications, but most men do know the difference between just having sex and making love to a woman. Sexual partners don’t have to make love every time they have sex; however, it will add to your love life and it will leave you feeling happier and more fulfilled and it will give you a more positive outlook on life.

Danielle has been a freelance writer for 20+ years. She lives in Canada with her dog Rogue and drinks a lot if coffee.