I always used to make myself sick worrying about whether or not my partner can be trusted with my love. The minute he did something dodgy, like having to suddenly work late on weekends, I’d think that he was cheating and I’d be left heartbroken and feeling really stupid for having trusted him. Enough of that. I’ve given up on making trust such a huge deal and instead, I’m going with my gut.
I know a relationship without trust is nothing.
Don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying that trust isn’t a huge deal in relationships. I’ve been in a relationship before where I couldn’t trust my partner. It sucked not having his support and I knew that without trust, we were hardly a healthy or happy couple. Still, I think I’ve obsessed about trust too much in the past.
I went into trust overload.
After that experience with the guy I couldn’t trust, I found myself making myself sick about the very idea of it. I wanted the guy I was with to earn my trust and be there for me and not hurt or cheat on me. Not too much to ask, right? Those were my standards, and it’s good to have them set in stone. But it’s not good when you consider the fact that…
It’s impossible to know what someone’s going to do.
I might trust someone today only to find that by next year that he’s a completely different person. Hey, it happens. A guy I date could seem really trustworthy, but then do something out of the blue that makes me realize he’s a lousy guy. The thing I like to remember is that I can’t control what someone does.
I can’t use trust as a way to control someone.
In the past, when I’ve felt I could trust someone, I’d think that trusting him meant that he owed me something – and he did owe me things like loyalty and consideration. But, the thing is that I can’t control if someone’s feelings change. I can’t expect him to be chained to this idea of trust and I can’t let trust give me a false sense of security that a great guy will always be a great guy.
Trust doesn’t come with a lifetime guarantee.
Much like love, trust can change. It might sound jaded but it’s a fact. So, with that in mind, I try to focus on what I can control, and the only thing I can control is myself.
I can trust myself.
I realized that the problem wasn’t whether or not I could trust someone I was dating because I could never know 100% if I could. I needed to trust myself. The problem was that I wasn’t doing enough of that. After being in unhappy relationships and staying even though they were harmful, I learned the valuable lesson of self-love and self-trust. If I didn’t have those things in place, it didn’t matter if I loved or trusted someone else. The foundation for a healthy relationship and life was missing and I was miserable.
I was afraid that i’d betray myself again.
It felt like I was betraying and hurting myself when I’d stay with the wrong guy and hope that the relationship would work out. It really did hurt me and I hated that I allowed it to happen. In fact, looking back I sometimes still want to kick myself for letting it. Then I learned to flip the script and change what I’d been doing in relationships. It really was a game-changer to realize that I didn’t have to put myself in such situations.
By trusting myself, i could focus on what’s really important.
Instead of worrying about whether or not someone’s going to hurt me, I back myself and refuse to allow myself to be in a situation that harms me. I trust myself and my gut to GTFO of a relationship that just doesn’t do me any justice. I never used to do that in the past, so this was really refreshing.
I feel empowered.
It’s such a great feeling to know that if someone does hurt me, I can control how I deal with it. I can tell the guy I’m dating to f*ck off and I can leave the relationship without getting hurt. It’s awesome to remember that even if the guy I’m dating turns out to be toxic, I can still get out before he hurts me. Even if he betrays my trust, he can’t hurt me that much because I’ve got self-love that will prevent me from sticking around.
That’s really what matters.
The thing is, I don’t want to be the type of person who doesn’t trust anyone or who withholds love out of fear of getting my heart broken. I don’t want to sabotage myself and this is certainly not about that. Instead, by trusting myself, I don’t have to. I can control my happiness and what I do with my future, no matter what happens to me. I’m in the driver’s seat, and whoever’s hitching a ride can get dropped off if they’re not trustworthy. Buh-bye!
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