This Is The Kind Of Guy I’m Holding Out For In 2018—And So Should You

With the New Year just around the corner, I’ve decided I’m not putting up with crap from guys anymore. I’ve had my fair share of disastrous relationships, flings, FWB arrangements, and all the rest of it, and I’m over it. So, with my priorities in order and my eye on the ball, here’s the kind of guy I’m holding out for in 2018. Hell, here’s the guy I’m holding out for PERIOD.

  1. Someone ambitious. I know lots of ambition men—they just all happen to be in relationships with or married to my friends. For some reason, I’ve only dated guys who, when it comes to ambition, are all talk and no action. No more of that for me. If he can’t prove his ambition by being proactive and moving toward his goals as opposed to standing in a stagnant swamp of all talk, I’m out of there.
  2. Someone who rejects mediocrity. As Robert Frost wrote, “Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.” I have done the same. It hasn’t been easy, there have been a ton of potholes but ultimately, when it’s been a disaster, it’s been a beautiful disaster. I didn’t want a boring, average, mediocre life; the type of life so many people settle for—I wanted something extraordinary. Because of this, I’m totally holding out for a guy who feels the exact same way.
  3. Someone who respects my feminism. I’ve come to realize that there are very few male feminists, if any at all. I’ve dated men who called themselves feminists but actually were worse than dudes who refused to use the word. They were feminists when it suited them but then they’d do or say something that made me realize that not only were these guys the worst but they didn’t really understand even the most basic concept of feminism: that men and women are equal and should be treated as such. Having given up on dating a feminist man (because they don’t exist), I at least want a guy who’s going to respect my feminism and be a feminist ally.
  4. Someone who makes me orgasm first. Don’t get me wrong—I’ve had some pretty effing great sex. However, my orgasm rate isn’t what I would like it to be. I realize that I’m in charge of my orgasms even while having sex with someone else, and I am, but I’ve also found myself with guys who come and then it’s over. Or, even worse, they come and then try to make me come and I feel like an afterthought because in these scenarios, I clearly am. So, in 2018, I’m holding out for the guy who makes me come first. This is non-negotiable.
  5. Someone who doesn’t want to cage me. I need a guy who knows that to cage me is to kill me, at least metaphorically speaking. I’ve had partners who couldn’t wrap their brain around my independence and need for freedom, but I need to believe that such a guy exists out there. I have to have hope that there’s an amazing man who’s not going to throw himself a pity party every time I decide I need a couple weeks away in, say, Vietnam. I know he’s out there, somewhere, so I’m waiting for him.
  6. Someone who reads. A lot. Although this may not seem like a big deal to some people, to me, it’s a huge deal—and not just because I’m a writer, but because reading is fundamentally essential to brain cell growth and knowledge. Sadly, I haven’t been with guys who read all that much. I once briefly dated someone whose favorite book was the Da Vinci Code, a notoriously bad book. When I asked him why that was his favorite, he said it was because it was the only book he ever read. Needless to say, our affair, fling, or whatever you want to call it ended right then and there. Also, magazines and the Internet don’t count; I’m talking books here.
  7. Someone who challenges me. I don’t want an easy, smooth-sailing relationship. I want a guy who’s going to call me out on my crap and who challenges me every day. I’m not saying I want someone with whom I’ll bicker constantly but I’m holding out for the guy who’s not afraid to rock the boat, if the boat needs to be rocked.
  8. Someone who’s chivalrous. Yeah, yeah, yeah—I get that for some people, a woman can’t be a feminist and demand chivalry in their life, but I don’t subscribe to that BS. I may be a feminist but that doesn’t mean I’m opposed to having the door held open for me, occasionally being treated like a princess and having the guy pick up the tab. As long as that gender wage gap exists, I’m not going to feel bad about a guy paying for dinner.
  9. Someone who doesn’t put me first. I don’t want to be first in someone’s life. It might sound strange but I just don’t. Why? Because I’ll never put a guy before my career, my passion, or my family, so I would never expect a guy to do that either. I’d like to be equal to the other most important things in his life but I never want to be first. It’s too stressful to be number one in someone’s life.
  10. Someone who’s an activist. I’ll absolutely be holding out for an activist this time around for sure. I want a guy who’s going to not just stand up for injustice but take action. I want a guy who realizes the US is in deep shit and isn’t going to take a backseat to the problem but go out there and do something about it. I want him to inspire me to be more active than I have been, because I strongly feel marching and writing/calling my congressmen and women isn’t enough. I’m ready to do more. I want to be inspired and pushed to do better and be better.
  11. Someone who has a lust for life. There’s a huge difference between living and merely existing. I know there are people who are very much content to exist day after day collecting dust in their corner of the world, but that’s not the person for me. I’m holding out for the guy who has a deep desire and need to live, to skydive, to travel to faraway lands, to dive with sharks, and to know what the Serengeti smells like after a rain and looks like at sunrise. This is the guy, the only guy, for whom I’ll be waiting.
Amanda Chatel is a sexual health, mental health, and wellness journalist with more than a decade of experience. Her work has been featured in Shape, Glamour, SELF, Harper's Bazaar, The Atlantic, Forbes, Elle, Mic, Men's Health and Bustle, where she was a lifestyle writer for seven years. In 2019, The League included Amanda in their "15 Inspirational Feminists Every Single Person Should Follow on Twitter" list.

Amanda has a bachelor's degree in English and master's degree in Creative Writing from the University of New Hampshire. She divides her time between NYC, Paris, and Barcelona.

You can follow her on Instagram @la_chatel or on Twitter @angrychatel.