I thought I was falling in love with the guy of my dreams but I slowly began to realize it was all an illusion. Our chemistry in the bedroom was off the charts but that’s where the compatibility ended. I wasn’t really in love with him, I was blinded by the good sex. Here’s what happened once I realized that.
I realized we had nothing to talk about. If we weren’t talking about the last time we hooked up or when we were going to hook up again, our conversations came to a screeching halt. How could it be possible to have an intense sexual connection with someone you couldn’t even hold a decent conversation with? We were in a committed relationship but the entire situation gave me the feeling that I was stuck in a neverending booty call and I wanted out.
I checked out during dates. We’d still plan dates and attempt to do fun things together but I’d always end up feeling like crap because my mind would instantly wander. I didn’t care to bond over dinner or hold hands during a scary movie. I was always impatiently waiting for the date to be over so we could get to the fun part. I know, I know, I sound awful.
I got wrapped up in a fantasy. I truly thought my relationship was a whirlwind romance, the thing fairytales are made of. Little did I know I was wrapped up in a fantasy—or perhaps the word “nightmare” is more fitting. I’d built this grandiose image of him and our relationship in my mind but in reality, we were far from having a solid romance. The sex had overshadowed everything to the point where I couldn’t even determine what was real and what was fake anymore.
Our relationship never progressed. Every relationship goes through its own stages at its own pace. With him, I always felt like we were stuck in the honeymoon phase. We never crossed over to the point of familiarity or comfort because we were too busy getting our freak on at all hours of the day.
I felt totally unfulfilled. I knew something huge was lacking in my relationship, it just took me awhile to really put my finger on what exactly that was. The feeling of being in a relationship but still experiencing an intense lack of fulfillment is devastating.
I realized my “butterflies” were a sign that I needed to get out. I was always so jittery and nervous around him. I thought for sure the butterflies were a sign of being in love. Come to find out, my nerves were trying to save me from myself. It was my gut that was telling me things weren’t right and it wasn’t true love.
I kept looking for things he was lacking. After a while, the sex was still amazing but it wasn’t enough to keep me focused on him and only him. No, I didn’t cheat, but I did seek out other guy friends to fill certain voids. Before I knew it, I had a guy in my life who was always in the mood for stimulating conversations, another who loved to go to live music events just like me, and another who was always available to help me out when I was in a dire situation. It was almost as if I was trying to piece together the perfect guy by taking small and specific traits from each one of them. It wasn’t fair to my boyfriend and it wasn’t fair to me either.
I felt trapped. I cared about him a lot but I really wanted to see what else was out there. The only problem was that his moves in the bedroom kept me trapped. I didn’t want to give up the sexual side of things. What if I never found someone who could satisfy me as much as he did? It’s sad and it sucks, but it was hard to take that chance.
I knew we were doomed. Our relationship was on borrowed time and I knew it wouldn’t be long before I finally walked away. As much as I wanted to keep him in my life for the mind-blowing sex, it wasn’t going to last. Do you know how hard it is to stay with someone when you know your relationship is doomed? It’s the worst feeling in the world.
My self-esteem took a beating. I started to wonder if there was something really wrong with me and thought maybe I wasn’t good enough for a legit relationship. Because I wasn’t able to connect with him on a certain level, surely it was my fault, right? Well, it wasn’t, but my self-esteem began to crumble when these thoughts started flooding my mind. Thankfully, I got out before it was destroyed completely, but it wasn’t easy.
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