Saying that parenting is hard is basically the understatement of the century. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, we say things we don’t mean or handle situations in ways we later regret. While the intention might not be to hurt our kids, certain phrases and behaviors can chip away at their self-esteem and emotional well-being. If you recognize some of these in your own parenting patterns, don’t worry – awareness is the first step towards positive change.
1. “You’re too sensitive.”
This phrase dismisses a child’s feelings and makes them feel like there’s something wrong with them for having emotions. It teaches them to bottle up their feelings and can lead to emotional repression later in life. Instead of invalidating their sensitivity, try acknowledging their feelings and helping them work through them in a healthy way. The Pragmatic Parent suggests encouraging your kids to talk about their emotions to promote emotional well-being.
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2. “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!”
This threat of physical violence is not only emotionally abusive, but also teaches children that their emotions aren’t valid or acceptable. It can lead to a fear of expressing feelings and a belief that they deserve to be punished for having them. Instead, try to understand why your child is crying and offer comfort and support.
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3. “I do everything for you.”
This guilt-tripping phrase puts an unfair burden on the child and makes them feel like they’re a burden themselves. It also sets up an unhealthy dynamic where the child feels like they owe their parent something for basic care and nurturing. Remember, taking care of your child is your job as a parent, not something you should hold over their head.
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4. “I wish you were more like your sibling.”
Comparing siblings is a surefire way to breed resentment and damage self-esteem. Each child is unique and should be celebrated for who they are, not made to feel inferior to their siblings. Focus on your child’s individual strengths and talents instead of holding them up to an unfair comparison.
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5. “You’re just like your father.”
Using this phrase as an insult is not only hurtful to the child, but also to the other parent. It tells the child that there’s something inherently wrong or bad about them, and can create feelings of shame and self-doubt. If you have issues with the other parent, deal with them directly instead of dragging your child into it. Stanford Children’s Health suggests regularly communicating with your partner away from your kids to iron out any parenting differences.
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6. “I wish you were never born.”
Even said in anger, this is deeply hurtful and can make your child feel fundamentally unwanted. If you’re struggling, take a break instead of lashing out verbally. It’s okay to step away from the situation to calm down before addressing your child.
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7. “You’ll never amount to anything.”
These words crush your child’s spirit and belief in themselves. Focus on encouraging their potential and supporting their goals. Instead of tearing them down, ask about their dreams. Let them know you believe in them, even if their goals seem far-fetched. Bright Side has some amazing suggestions on how to support your kids’ dreams.
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8. “You’re too old for that.”
Dismissing a child’s interests or behaviors as being too juvenile is a way of shaming them for who they are. It sends the message that their desires and preferences are wrong or unacceptable, and can lead to a sense of self-doubt and insecurity. Let your child enjoy the things that bring them joy, regardless of their age.
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9. “You’re not ___ enough.”
Telling a child that they’re not smart enough, talented enough, or good enough is a direct attack on their self-worth. It can lead to a lifetime of feeling inadequate and striving for an impossible standard of perfection. Instead, focus on effort and improvement, and celebrate your child’s unique strengths and abilities.
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10. “I’m so disappointed in you.”
Focus on the behavior, not your child’s worth as a person. Tell them you love them but are disappointed in their choices, then help them figure out how to do better next time. Try saying something like, “That choice you made wasn’t a good one, and I know you can do better. What could you do differently next time?”
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11. “I sacrificed everything for you.”
This phrase is a guilt trip wrapped up in a martyr complex. It makes the child feel like they owe their parent something for the basic care and love that should be freely given. It also sets up an unhealthy dynamic where the child feels like they can never live up to the sacrifices made for them. Psychology Today points out the importance of being warm, attentive, and patient to build a good relationship with your child.
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12. “I’m done with you.”
Threatening to withdraw love or abandon a child is a fear tactic that can leave deep emotional scars. It tells the child that they’re only worthy of love and attention when they behave a certain way, and that they could be rejected at any moment. Even if said in the heat of the moment, these words can stick with a child for a lifetime.
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13. “You’re not leaving the house dressed like that.”
Criticizing a child’s appearance or clothing choices can be a form of body-shaming and control. It tells them that their bodily autonomy is less important than other people’s opinions, and can lead to a distorted body image and self-esteem issues. As long as your child is dressed appropriately for the occasion and weather, let them express themselves through their clothing.
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14. “I’m ashamed of you.”
Shame is a powerful and damaging emotion, and using it as a weapon against your child is never okay. It tells them that they’re fundamentally flawed and unworthy of love and acceptance. If your child makes a mistake or misbehaves, focus on the behavior and how to make better choices in the future, not on shaming them as a person. As Verywell Family points out, shaming isn’t an effective method of discipline.
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15. “You’d be so pretty if…”
Conditional compliments are not really compliments at all. Telling a child that they would be attractive if they just changed something about themselves sends the message that they’re not good enough as they are. It can lead to a lifetime of chasing an unattainable standard of beauty and never feeling satisfied with themselves.
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