My Mother And I Will Probably Never Have A Healthy Relationship & I’m Ok With That

I spent most of my twenties trying to mend my broken relationship with my mother. Then, I realized that no matter what I did our or how hard I tried, our relationship would inevitably stay the same. And to be honest, I’m totally ok with that.

1. For a long time, I thought I had to have the perfect relationship with my mom. To be honest, it took me a good ten years to get to understand that relationships and people are flawed. Trying to force your relationship with someone will most likely not change anything, as I painfully discovered in my twenties. It’s only going to make you feel nuts and possibly co-dependent.
2. I started therapy to help me work through my issues. I didn’t start therapy with the sole intention of getting on better terms with my mother but it was certainly on my mind. Over the years, our communication has gotten better and I have therapy to thank for that. But if I’m being honest, it hasn’t helped as much as I wanted it to.
3. I didn’t want to hate my mom and then act exactly like her. The truth was that I didn’t want to be one of these women who hates their mother, but then acts exactly like her. It’s a stereotype that has been perpetuated in my family, probably for generations. Each descendant is no doubt their own person, with a unique set of traits, an individual. But this mother-daughter battle still persists. So, I thought, “Well, I am going to change this. I’m going to change our relationship. We are going to have the best relationship ever!”
4. I was doing everything right but our relationship didn’t improve. I do have therapy to thank for bringing me to the realization that a lot of my trauma comes from this fractured relationship. I was having a hard time interacting with others because of this strange relationship I have with my mother. My mother issues were basically being mirrored in other areas of my life and I wanted to fix that. I thought I was doing everything right. I was going to therapy, meditating, reading self-help books, but every time I saw her we wound up fighting and I’d start questioning all the work I was doing.
5. I realized I was doing myself more harm than good. I hated that my other friends had such healthy relationships with their moms. I wanted what they had – shopping trips together, lunch dates, hair appointments, whatever else mothers and daughters are supposed to do together (I never did any of these things so I don’t really know). To say I was jealous would be an understatement. But the harder I tried, the farther away this magical relationship seemed to get and I was driving myself nuts in the process.
6. I decided I should stop trying so hard.  I was doing all of this work on myself, working with a therapist, getting my chakras aligned, trying to meditate, the whole nine yards, and still, our communication was the same as it had always been. I didn’t understand what was wrong or why we couldn’t get along. Eventually, I started wondering why I was trying so hard in the first place. Is having a crappy relationship with your mother reason enough to make yourself nuts over? I was acting like it was, but truthfully it should not be. And the sooner I realized this, the better I felt.
7. I was only looking for validation. I didn’t receive much positive feedback as a child and not much nurturance either. As an adult, I realized I was constantly seeking someone to validate me, to tell me I was good enough. Not really permission seeking – more of a clapping after performance, an encouragement. This is why I became obsessed with fixing my relationship with my mother. I was looking for validation from her and felt like I was failing when I couldn’t mend the broken pieces, which wasn’t great for anxiety and self-esteem.
8. I realized that the only validation I needed was my own. Instead of looking outside I started acting like a mother to myself. I started telling myself to go to bed early, encouraging myself to apply for that job, telling myself that I really should do some more writing tonight. Treating myself with more kindness and care has not been the cure all, but it has certainly helped.
9. I finally learned to let go. I’m not good at letting things go. I get anxious and think about things way too much. But after 10 years of trying to no avail, I gave up. Now, this doesn’t mean that I don’t care, because I do. If my fairy godmother were to come down and tell me that my mother and I would suddenly have an amazing relationship, I would jump for joy and thank my lucky stars. But that’s probably never going to happen – at least not right now.
10. I’m thankful for what I do have with my mother. My relationship with my mother is nowhere near perfect. It’s flawed and messy, we barely talk and when we do it usually ends up in a fight. All this said, I am grateful I have a mother who raised me, supported me and put a roof over my head because I know that not everyone has been lucky.