I Hate Making Out — I Can’t Be The Only One, Right?

Making out is presented in the media as an extremely fun and pleasurable thing, but rom-coms and I will have to agree to disagree on this one. While it’s important to show affection to your partner and I obviously enjoy physical intimacy, I hate making out. I’m talking seriously hate it. I can’t possibly be the only one, right?

1. That doesn’t mean I don’t like kissing. Just because I hate making out doesn’t mean I’m anti-locking lips. I find kissing romantic and sexy. It’s a wonderful way to connect with a partner, especially if they’re new in your life, and it can be a great means of getting those clothes off. But let’s be clear — pre-sex kissing and a full-on makeout session are two entirely different things.
2. There’s nothing sexy about laying in bed, swapping spit for an extended period of time with nothing else happening. It’s a great way to start, but when that’s all we’ve been doing for 20 minutes, enough is enough. Take off my shirt, unbutton my pants, put on that condom, for God’s sake. I’m roped in and I’m turned on, so hurry up before I lose my lady hard-on.
3. You get the WORST taste in your mouth. Anyone who disagrees is straight-up lying to themselves. It’s basically science that if you’re going to stick your tongue into someone’s mouth for a long time and vice versa, you’re going to get that funky taste going. To me, it tastes like someone else’s stale saliva. That’s literally the only way I can describe it.
4. It gets so boring. Yeah, the first couple minutes of passionate kissing are great, but when the minutes all pass by in the exact same way, my mind starts to wander — and when my mind starts to wander, I easily turn myself off. After long enough, I’m thinking less about how hot this is and more about my grocery shopping list.
5. My neck starts to hurt. You’re trying to hold yourself up just enough to be in a good position for this activity (because laying flat down next to each other does NOT work for making out) and eventually, your neck starts to cramp up. It’s like that strenuous feeling you get when you’re doing crunches wrong and it’s not very sexy. No one wants to think about exercising when they’re trying to do it.
6. You can only move your head back and forth so many times. You turn to the left and kiss there for a few minutes. Then you turn to the right and kiss there for a few minutes… then you turn back to the left again. There’s only so much variety you can have when making out. The creativity can only go so far.
7. The feeling of a tongue in your mouth gets… weird. At first, it’s kind of a jolt to your system, which can be a turn-on. But after a while, the feeling of a tongue squirming around in your mouth just starts to seem wrong. It’s kind of like when you look at a word for too long and it eventually starts to seem like gibberish? This is the same idea, but with a feeling rather than a word. Shudder.
8. I get extremely self-conscious. I don’t think I’m a terrible kisser or anything, but this is one of the reasons I hate making out. I’m sure we can all attest to how simple it is to get in your own head about hooking up, and it’s definitely easiest to do that whilst kissing. When you’re actually having sex, there are (hopefully) plenty of other things on your mind. But making out is simple enough that it allows much more room for critical thoughts, especially during a drawn-out makeout sesh.
9. The. Sound. Imagine it in your head right now. Probably every single one of you can hear that repetitive lapping sound, like a dog drinking out of a bowl. Yeah, that’s not such a cute sound. And then there are those other random slurping sounds that get thrown in every other minute or so that just really add to the heat of the moment.
10. There’s always some drooling involved. If there was a Top 10 list for ultimate turn-offs (and there probably is somewhere on the interweb), drooling on your partner would definitely be up there, at least in the Top 5. It’s really not anyone’s fault, either; when your mouth is hanging slackjawed for too long, the drool just happens. And oh, does it happen.
11. I want to get to the sex. I’m sorry if that sounds unromantic or selfish, but we’re most likely hooking up for the same end game: to have sex. I have no problem with a little kissing or foreplay, but I also want to get around to the main event, you know, sometime this year. I probably have deadlines to meet and errands to run and naps to take, so I can’t spend a half hour making out with you as a precursor to sex. Sorry not sorry, everyone.