Most of us have a list of qualities we’d like our ideal partner to possess, but for me, it’s not enough for a guy to be able to fulfill a mental dating checklist. No matter how perfect he seems on paper, I refuse to date someone I don’t have serious chemistry with, and here’s why:
- You can’t fake chemistry. I’ve gone out with men who told me that they loved reading when they hadn’t read a book since high school, but I’ve never met a guy who was able to pretend like we clicked when we really didn’t. Honestly, I couldn’t fake it if I tried. It’s such an internal and mysterious quality that there’s no way it can be created if it wasn’t there to begin with, so I trust that if it’s not there, the relationship isn’t going to work out.
- Plenty of people can check off the same boxes and not be compatible. Yeah, I want a guy who leads an active lifestyle, but if things don’t work out with a guy who hits the gym five days a week, I don’t have to worry that I’ll never find a guy who does the same. When I have real chemistry with someone, I know it’s something rare and real. I’m going to be much more determined to hold onto a guy I share that connection with because I know it might never come along again.
- Chemistry creates long-lasting feelings. The bond that’s built when two people have chemistry is hard to break, and I know that when I have that kind of connection with someone, it has the potential to develop into something long-term. Having the same hobbies and liking the same foods can be great building blocks for a relationship, but without the strong foundation that chemistry provides, they’re not going to hold anything up for very long.
- Chemistry can make up for absent qualities on a relationship wishlist. Sure, it’s a bummer for me when a guy I’m into doesn’t fit the paint-by-number picture of my ideal partner, but as long as we have chemistry, I can get past the fact that he’s not my “type.” It’s amazing how easy it is to forget that you ever thought you needed a guy who was into horror movies when you guys feel almost magnetically drawn to each other.
- We’ll never feel comfortable with each other if we don’t “click.” When you’re dating someone you don’t emotionally mesh with, there’s always going to be some level of awkwardness between you two. There are some people who are fine with that, but personally, I couldn’t stand to even regularly kiss someone I didn’t feel completely comfortable around. How could I relax during sex or introduce them to my family? Comfort is important to me and if I don’t have that, the relationship will never last.
- It makes all the difference during sex. Even sex that feels like it should be great is just going to be OK-ish if there’s no chemistry involved. I’ve slept with guys who did everything “right” in bed but still left me feeling unsatisfied and kinda weird. On the other hand, I’ve slept with guys who weren’t that great in bed but had amazing chemistry with me, and it was some of the most memorable sex I’ve ever had.
- I can’t force myself to be attracted to someone. A few of the guys I’ve dated who checked off all my proverbial boxes still weren’t that attractive to me even though they technically should’ve been. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t force myself to have that deep desire for them. When I have chemistry with a guy, it doesn’t matter if he’s an underwear model or your average Joe on the subway — I always have an intense urge to rip his clothes off.
- Chemistry is more reliable than good looks or money. I’m not shallow but I don’t think you have to be shallow to admit that it’s appealing when a guy is hot and has a good job. As time moves on, both of those things (and many other “checkbox” qualities) can turn out to be temporary — we all get wrinkly as we age, money gets spent, interest in hobbies can die out, and the things that once told you that this guy had to be “The One” can change. Chemistry, on the other hand, tends to stick around. If I’m looking for someone to build something serious with, I need to know that we have a connection that’s going to stand the test of time.
- Even attractive qualities can become ugly over time. One of the worst moments in a failing relationship is when you realize the “cute” quirks or qualities that attracted you to someone initially are now the things that annoy you about them. I’ve had boyfriends in the past who initially won me over with the fact that they were “easy-going”… and then turned out to be so laid-back that they were never on time or had no motivation to be productive. Having good chemistry doesn’t have a downside, though. If I realize I have even more chemistry than I thought I did as time goes on, there’s literally no way it could ruin our relationship.
- I need to feel free to be myself. The last time I dated a guy who was objectively perfect for me, I constantly felt like I was walking on eggshells. It seemed like he ticked off so many boxes that he was, from my perspective, out of my league. I felt like I’d gotten a paint-by-number boyfriend that I simply didn’t deserve. On the flip side, when I have great chemistry with a guy, I know that the so-called perfection of our relationship is much deeper, which means I don’t have to worry that the man I’m with will judge me for being who I truly am.
