I Pushed Him Away But I Really Just Wanted Him To Break Down My Walls

I loved him and wanted to be with him, but still, I chose to push him away. I know that wasn’t my finest moment but I’m not quite sure it was a mistake. After all, he didn’t push very hard to stay.

  1. I wanted him to break down the walls I built up. He knew that I had my heart broken before. He was 100 percent aware of my baggage. I was damaged and still trying to heal and he was the first real relationship I had since heartbreak. He was supposed to understand that I was still learning to trust again. I know that being with me wasn’t easy, but I thought that he loved me enough to stay anyway.
  2. I couldn’t believe he was willing to let me go. He didn’t even try to work things out or convince me that we could be good together. I thought that he would at least ask me to give us a better chance, but he made it so obvious that I wasn’t irreplaceable. I thought that I was someone special in his life, but in the end, I realized I was just another girl on a long list of girls who meant nothing to him.
  3. I was only trying to protect my heart. That’s why I never let him get too close to me. I wanted to be with him while still taking every precaution I could to prevent my own heartbreak. I was falling for him hard and that scared the hell out of me. I know he could see the fear in my eyes. I just don’t know why he didn’t give me the benefit of the doubt and make me feel safe with him instead of just letting me walk away.
  4. Regardless of what I said or did, I loved him. I wish that he could have seen that. I may have pushed him away, but I didn’t treat him like crap, by any means. I cared about him so deeply and I just wanted to see if he cared about me that much too. I made him believe that I could just walk away from what we had when all I really wanted was for him to realize I loved him and call my bluff.
  5. I guess I was trying to test his limits. I wanted to see if he would continue to love me no matter what, but he failed me. I was trying to see how far the bounds of his love could go, but he let me break away far too quickly. I pushed him away but the object was for him to push back harder. I didn’t get my wish though. I took a risk and I lost it all if only he would have cared about losing me too…
  6. I told him I didn’t need him, but I did want him. I wanted to be with him but still maintain my independence. I never wanted to lose sight of myself and that’s why I constantly reminded him that I didn’t need his love. At some point, I convinced him that not needing him meant not wanting him either. He never understood the difference and he never even asked me to explain.
  7. I didn’t expect him to just move on. I know that I was the one to push him away, but I never thought he’d act like our relationship never even happened. The second we ended, he was already on to the next girl like I’d never meant anything to him at all. Despite pushing him away, I wanted him to stay, but in the end, maybe my self-sabotage was actually a good thing considering the way he acted.
  8. I needed to know that he would stick with me through thick and thin. Times got hard and I may have pushed him away, but that doesn’t change the fact that he bailed. It was all too easy for him to give up on us. He didn’t have what it took to make it through a rough patch, regardless of the fact that I caused that struggle. I wanted him to be a man who could always and would always be there for me, but to him, I was simply asking too much.
  9. I wanted him to be able to see how badly I was hurting. I thought that he could have known me well enough to realize that I wasn’t pushing him away because I didn’t love him or didn’t want to be with him, but because I was scared. I wanted him to hold me and tell me that everything was going to be all right. I wanted him to promise that he would always be there for me, but instead, he just gave up and walked away.
  10. I wanted him to fight for me. I wanted to be a girl worth fighting for. He didn’t care to make an effort, though. He didn’t want a relationship he had to work for. He only wanted to be with me if it was going to be easy. Unfortunately for me, the easy thing for him was letting me go. I may have pushed us toward the edge, but I always thought he’d pull us back up. I definitely pushed him away but all I wanted was for him to ask me to stay.
Kelsey Dykstra is a freelance writer based in Huntington Beach, CA. She has a bachelor’s degree in Creative Writing from Grand Valley State University and been writing professionally since graduating in 2013. In addition to writing about love and relationships for Bolde and lifestyle topics for Love to Know, she also writes about payment security and small business solutions for PaymentCloud.

Originally from Michigan, this warm weather seeker relocated to the OC just last summer. Kelsey enjoys writing her own fictional pieces, reading a variety of young adult novels, binging on Netflix, and of course soaking up the sun.

You can find more about Kelsey on her LinkedIn profile or on Twitter @dykstrakelsey.
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