The truth is, a backhanded compliment isn’t a compliment at all, it’s just a passive-aggressive way of saying something mean. That’s why people who give them are the absolute worst. Don’t worry! We’ve collected the best ways to respond when someone comes at you with a rude remark.
1. Change the topic.
Sometimes it’s just not worth it to give certain backhanded compliments airtime. This technique is great when you’re caught off guard and genuinely don’t know what to say. Try responding with something like, “Oh, I totally forgot to ask you if you’ve been watching (insert TV show).” The other person will likely get the hint that you don’t want to talk about their rude statement.
2. Focus on the positives.
The whole thing about backhanded compliments is that they usually start with a positive. If someone is going to try to passive-aggressively insult you, only pay attention to the good. For example, if someone says, “I love your pants, they really make you look thinner.” You can say something like, “I love my pants, too!” Don’t even waste your breath acknowledging the rude part.
3. Use humor.
Whether the person giving the backhanded compliment is genuinely unaware of how it affects others or they intentionally meant to hurt you, using humor is a great way to clap back. Let’s say your coworker says, “Congratulations on the promotion, I didn’t think you were going to get it.” You can say, “Thanks, I always knew, but not everyone has my vision.” Boom.
4. Kill them with kindness.
Sometimes the best approach is the one that comes from a genuine place of care and curiosity because the truth is, everyone has an off day now and then. If this person doesn’t normally act like this, it might be worth investigating. You can try saying, “Ouch, it’s not like you to say something like that. Is everything okay?” You’ll probably uncover that whatever’s going on has nothing to do with you.
5. Let it roll off your back.
This is the perfect way to respond when you know someone is trying to get a rise out of you. When you just let it roll off your back and ignore the remark, it signals to the other person that you don’t value their opinion enough to give it another breath. The bottom line: Silence speaks volumes.
6. Ask them to repeat themselves.
There is truly nothing more embarrassing than having to repeat a comment you shouldn’t have said in the first place. So if you throw out a line like, “Sorry, I couldn’t quite hear you. Can you repeat that?” They’ll either realize what they said and take it back or they’ll say it again, which just makes them look worse.
7. Thank them.
You don’t actually have to mean it, of course. This is just an easy way to acknowledge that they were speaking to you without giving their comment any merit. When someone hits you with a zinger, hit them back with a “Thanks for sharing that.” That shuts them up every time.
8. Let them know how it made you feel.
Half the time, people don’t even know when they’re being offensive. That doesn’t let them off the hook (not at all), but this can be a teaching moment for them. So, if someone says something like, “That dress is great! It hides that after-lunch bloat so well.” You can say, “That really hurt my feelings, I don’t appreciate those kinds of comments about my body.” Chances are, they’ll realize their mess up and apologize.
9. Set a boundary.
Some people are just oblivious to how their comments make other people feel. One of the best defenses is to set a boundary—not only does this let them know it’s not okay now, but it also relays the message that you won’t tolerate any comments like it. So if someone says something offensive, you can always respond with, “I’d rather keep the conversation positive. Let’s talk about something else.”
10. Politely dismiss it.
This strategy is great if you want to acknowledge their comment but also communicate that you know your worth. So when someone comes at you with a passive-aggressive comment about your body, work ethic, or something else you can shoot back with something like, “Thanks for the comment, but I’m comfortable with who I am.” If that doesn’t shut it down we don’t know what will.
11. Ask them to clarify.
This is similar to asking them to repeat their remark. When you respond to a backhanded compliment with, “What do you mean by that?” it forces the other person to be introspective and ask themselves, “What did I mean by that?” Regardless if they double down or change the subject, you took the onus of answering off of yourself.
12. Acknowledge it with humility.
A great way to respond to a not-so-nice remark is to be humble! This is definitely easier said than done, but if you use it, it’s extremely effective. Try hitting them with a “We’re all a work in progress, but I’m really happy with how far I’ve come.” When you can give yourself grace and stand up for yourself, it completely disarms the backhanded complimenter.
13. Give yourself props.
Let’s say someone says something to you like, “Nice sweater.. it’s interesting.” You can respond with something like, “I know, isn’t it? I’m always looking for pieces that are a little unique instead of buying whatever’s trending on TikTok.” Watch their mouth drop and then walk away. Works like a charm.
14. Disagree with them.
You might think it’s rude to openly disagree with someone, but so are backhanded compliments. Sometimes, you have to match their energy. If someone comes at you with something like, “Nice watch, but you probably shouldn’t be spending that much on a piece of jewelry.” You can say something like, “Thanks for the concern, but if I didn’t have the money to spend on a piece of jewelry, I wouldn’t have.” Let’s see them try to top that.
15. Turn it back on them.
This one is definitely a little bit spicy, but it’s also super effective. If they’re going to go there, you might as well, too right? If someone comes out of nowhere with a backhanded compliment like, “You’re really pretty, but you’re not my usual type.” You can say, “Whoa that’s so weird, I was thinking the same thing about you.” Mic drop.
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