You’re well aware of how toxic gaslighting is, so you’d never intentionally do it to someone. However, that doesn’t mean you’re not doing or saying things that may be having the same effect without you even realizing it. Here are some questionable behaviors you should watch out for — and stop immediately if you find yourself doing them!
1. You dismiss or belittle their feelings.
If you find yourself often saying “You’re overreacting” or “You’re too sensitive,” you’re invalidating their feelings. This can make them doubt their emotional responses. You might not agree with how they’re feeling, but that doesn’t make those emotions any less valid.
2. You trivialize their concerns.
When you insist that the issue someone is having is not a huge deal, you’re minimizing their experiences. Again, what you see as no big deal could be a major problem for them, and that’s okay. You should respect them enough to hear them out and see if there’s a way to find a bit of understanding.
3. You deny their reality.
Saying “That never happened” or “You’re imagining things” can make someone doubt their memory and perception. It’s a classic gaslighting move, even if you genuinely remember things differently. You might need to agree to disagree in the end — obviously, you’re never going to cop something you honestly didn’t do — and that’s okay. (By the way, if you’ve dated one too many gaslighters yourself, check out our sister site, Sweetn. They have everything you need to completely change your love life for the better in just a few weeks.)
4. You withhold information that could be important.
If you purposely keep info from someone to make them question their sanity or understanding of a situation, you’re manipulating their perception of reality. Just because having all the information might paint you in a not-so-great light isn’t a reason to withhold it. You have to take more responsibility for your actions.
5. You’re constantly shifting the blame.
When you always find a way to make them feel responsible for your actions or for things going wrong, you’re creating a sense of self-doubt in them. Nothing is ever entirely one person’s fault, especially not every single time. Be willing to fess up when you mess up. That’s what emotional maturity is all about.
6. You use their insecurities against them.
Bringing up someone’s past mistakes or insecurities during an argument to win points is manipulative and can make them feel unworthy or like they’re constantly at fault. Instead, leave their perceived flaws or shortcomings out of the conversation — they’re aware of them and don’t need you throwing them in their face.
7. You overwhelm them with facts and logic to overwrite their emotions.
While being rational is good, using it to dismiss someone’s emotions constantly can make them feel irrational for having those feelings in the first place. Of course you want the conversation to stay rooted in reality, but people are allowed to have an emotional reaction to situations. That’s what being a human is all about.
8. You project your feelings onto them.
Accusing them of being angry, jealous, or insecure when in fact it’s you who feels these things is a form of gaslighting. It confuses them about their own emotions. Take ownership of your own emotions and communicate them directly. Then, allow them to express how they’re feeling. Those two things don’t have to always align, and they won’t. That’s okay!
9. Your expectations are constantly changing.
If you frequently change what you expect from someone without clear communication, it can make them feel like they’re always falling short and can’t trust their own judgment. Your expectations should be pretty static — respect, consideration, and kindness are non-negotiable. Things shouldn’t be changing all that much.
10. You rewrite history.
Recounting past events in a way that blatantly ignores their experiences or feelings invalidates their reality and can make them question their memory. Our feelings can definitely color our memory of certain experiences, but insisting that yours is more reliable than theirs is gaslighting 101.
11. You use affection as a tool.
Withdrawing affection or attention as a punishment, especially when they express negative feelings or concerns, is a form of emotional manipulation that’s really toxic. Your affection should be constant. In fact, sometimes when there’s discord, that’s when they could use it the most.
12. You make them feel guilty for totally normal behavior.
If you make someone feel guilty for basic actions, like spending time with friends or pursuing hobbies, it can make them question their right to have their own life outside of the relationship. It’s a way of isolating them from other people in their life and a sign you could be emotionally abusing them as well as gaslighting them (which is a form of emotional abuse in and of itself).
13. You’re guilty of gaslighting by proxy.
Using other people to reinforce your point of view, like saying “Everyone thinks you’re being irrational,” can make someone doubt their sanity and isolate them from their support systems. You shouldn’t need backup for your stance. The situation is between the two of you — no one else should have to enter the picture.
14. You’re always demanding proof.
Constantly demanding proof for their feelings or experiences, especially for inherently subjective things, is a way of invalidating their perspective. What are they going to do, start pulling receipts and documentation out to make their case? Come on now!
15. You ignore or laugh off their problems.
If you regularly ignore or laugh off someone’s concerns or feelings, you’re sending the message that their perspective is not valid or worthy of consideration. This isn’t something you do to someone you care about. Instead, you hear them out and try to extend a bit of empathy even if you’re not on the same page.
16. You regularly remind them of their past mistakes.
Bringing up someone’s past, especially parts they are not proud of, to discredit their current feelings or actions is a way of undermining their sense of self. The past needs to stay there — you need to let bygones be bygones and move on.
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