Sorry, Ladies—A Guy Could Never Please You Like Another Woman Can

With time, patience, and a willingness to learn, I think almost anyone can become an enjoyable, fulfilling sexual partner—so I might be showing my bias when I say that lesbians and other queer girls make better lovers. I don’t care—I said what I said. There are reasons to back up my assertion, though. You may or may not agree with them, but I come armed with the proof and the truth—as I see it, anyway.

  1. No one knows a woman’s body like another woman. Queer women know where everything is. Every woman is different, so that’s not the same as saying that a girl automatically knows what to do with another woman’s body. We’re aware of the lay of the land, though.
  2. Her orgasm is just as important as ours. No, not every man cares about getting his nut first and foremost. It’s not at all fair to say that—which is precisely why I didn’t. Let’s just leave it at this: for the most part, when a woman makes love to another woman, her partner’s orgasm is one of the most important things that will happen during the entire encounter. A lesbian, bisexual, or pansexual woman who’s having sex with another woman doesn’t view the encounter as successful unless she gives her partner a soul-shattering climax.
  3. Foreplay is a highlight, not an obligation. Foreplay is half the fun once two women come together for a Sapphic frolic. Making out, teasing through clothing, licking, nipping, fingering—foreplay is the crescendo that leads to the climax. We want to make it last so long that it feels like an orgasm itself.
  4. Oral sex is not exclusively a foreplay event. Who ever even made the judgment call that oral sex is just for foreplay? Please. Going down on a girl is often the main event—and queer women won’t spend an hour stabbing your vagina with their tongues, either.
  5. Lesbians and bisexual women know the G-spot exists. It’s not a myth. It’s not hiding out with Bigfoot and Elvis, doing vodka shots and playing Uno. The G-spot doesn’t hide from muggles—or men—behind an enchantment spell like Hogwarts, although it is a very magical spot. All you have to do is gesture for the lovely lady to come-hither (see what I did there?).
  6. Queer women understand the magic and magnificence of the clitoris. Vaginal penetration and stimulation are magnificent, but many women can’t get off with penetration alone. The clitoris is the key. It’s a little mountain of sizzling nerve-endings and electricity, just waiting to be stroked, suckled, or rubbed—it depends on the woman, you see.
  7. We’re willing to explore uncharted territory. Largely, queer women are adventurous. We want to see what happens when we lick the inside of your elbow or the very underside of your ass cheek. Do kisses behind your knees make you squirm? Does rimming drive you wild? We want to know!
  8. Experimentation is right up our alley. In the same vein, lesbian, bisexual, and pansexual women are into experimentation, as well. Everyone has their own boundaries, of course, and naturally, there are exceptions, but for the most part, we’re down for trying something new. As with anything else, it all comes down to communication between partners. Incidentally, we also tend to be very good at that.
  9. We’re never threatened by the inclusion of toys. Your big purple dildo does not intimidate us. The addition of handcuffs or blindfolds will not make us think that we’re not enough. We know the value of toys, accessories, and fun little surprises. They keep things exciting, and isn’t that the idea? More often than not, we even have a box of goodies stowed away, and we’re just waiting for an invitation to bring it out, anyway.
  10. Faking it is rarely necessary… Things are different with another woman. It can feel easier—and safer—to speak up when something doesn’t feel good or isn’t doing it for you. With a woman, there’s rarely any need to fake it just to end it. All you have to do is speak up and say how you feel—without fear.
  11. But we (almost) always know. Besides, we know what a woman’s orgasm feelings like—inside and out. That’s not to say that a fake climax never slips by, but it’s rare. Speaking solely from my own knowledge and experiences, we almost always want to communicate about what happened and find out if we can rectify the situation.
  12. We know how women’s bodies are supposed to smell. You’ll hear no awkward, embarrassing, or insulting questions. There’s no need to feel self-conscious. A woman knows what a woman’s body smells like. We know odors and aromas and the science of the vagina. In other words, you don’t have to worry about making your rosebush smell like rose petals.
  13. We know how women’s bodies are supposed to look. Hair in places? Stretch marks? Cellulite? So what? You will not hear a peep, a criticism, or a backhanded compliment. You won’t hear a word. Why would you? We know how women’s bodies are meant to look. We don’t see those things as flaws or imperfections. They simply exist. No big deal.
  14. Stimulation before penetration is our mantra. I just can’t stress this enough. Penetration is so far from the end-all be-all for women. Yes, many women achieve orgasm through vaginal stimulation or penetration, but for most of us, it takes more. It takes an emphasis on the stimulation part, in fact. However, queer women also know that stimulation isn’t reserved for the clitoris. It involves more than just the nipples, too. That’s why we love experimentation and exploration so much—we get to find all your sweet spots.
west virginia native, new hampshire transplant, parisian in the depths of my unimpressed soul. owner of an impressive resting bitch face. writer and reader. fluent in sarcasm and snark. lover of lower case and the oxford comma.