My relationship with food has always kind of sucked. Whether I was dieting or binging, I’ve rarely had much balance and it really sucks. It also really affects my health, my self-esteem, and my relationships. I’ve dated so many men that have gently “encouraged” me to diet to lose weight and while I put up with it for a while, refusing to put up with guys like this is my first step towards a better body image.
I’ve never been entirely comfortable with my weight.
To be fair, I’ve been heavyset since I was a kid. I mean, food tastes so great, so how could I not enjoy it? However, by the time I hit my teen years, it all caught up to me. The years of overeating not only took a toll on my size but on my self-control and as a result, my self-confidence. High school kids can be cruel and I wasn’t able to escape that reality.
I’m really not that unhealthy.
I regularly go to the doctor and while I have a relatively high BMI, I have normal cholesterol levels and healthy blood sugar. Not to mention, I regularly work out, though that’s more for anger management reasons. If I’m able to run a mile, why am I so hard on myself? My weight isn’t exactly correlating with low health.
I’ve been rejected for it before.
I realize that it’s a part of life, but it’s hard to not take it to heart, especially when the person you’re seeing is one to be blunt about the reasoning. In middle school, I once had a boy so graciously try to compliment me using the term “medium size” and that’s about as nice as it gets. Two years ago, I was dating this handsome law student who would use his doctor parents as a reason to comment on my weight. He was constantly suggesting food alternatives and different ways to work out, as if that was nicer than just saying he had a problem with me being chubby. Let me tell you, it really didn’t feel that way.
These guys always think they have good intentions.
In reality, it just feels like they want you to change. If I’m healthy and happy, what other reason could there be to change anything? Except for how it looks, that is. After a while, it becomes degrading, like they feel the need to take your life into their hands because you just aren’t doing it well enough. If it’s not their way, it can’t be right.
I started going to the gym for someone else.
It wasn’t even a real push, just a comment that put doubt into my head. A simple “you might benefit from some exercise” took hold in my mind. Suddenly, without realizing I had decided to change, I made the gym apart of my daily routine… and I hated it. I forced myself to go and I pushed myself too hard and it became unhealthy.
I became obsessed.
It hit the point where I was going to the gym every day for longer than I was studying or working. My diet changed drastically as well. Every time I was around anyone, I would feel too judged to eat what I wanted. It would just add onto the negative thoughts they already had about my weight.
It started to affect my health.
Your body needs time to adjust to change. If you don’t give it that, you might feel the consequences sooner than you think. I remember feeling light-headed and making excuses for it, thinking that maybe I had stood up too fast or thinking I just hadn’t slept enough the night before. Then the abdominal pains started. It was only after talking to a doctor that I realized I had let it all go way too far.
I decided I needed a change.
Tasty food makes me happy. Sure, I’m not going to eat mozzarella sticks every day, but if I’m craving fried cheese, I’m not letting the calories tell me not to enjoy it and I’m certainly not letting a guy. I refuse to keep dating guys that have the idea in their head that they will change who I am because I won’t. I’m going to eat my late-night pizza if I want to and I’m going to go to the gym because it can be fun for me! If any guy tries to change my mind, they won’t be in my life much longer.
I feel so much better now.
It’s amazing how freeing it is to feel like your in control. I mean, I have always joked about how my self-control is terrible, but maybe it was because I thought that having self-control meant giving yourself no freedom. That’s not the case. Everything needs to be in moderation, including healthy habits. As long as I’m the one who decides that, I’m the happiest I can be.
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