If You Suck At Texting, I’m Not The Girl For You

The communication that happens over text might not seem like much in a relationship, but it actually says a lot about how two people will get along. If I can’t carry on a basic text conversation with you without wanting to pull my hair out, this is why I’d rather just date someone else:

  1. Yeah, texting is a big freakin’ deal these days! Don’t even try telling me that texting is “no big deal” or that you’re “just not a big texter.” I ain’t buying the BS you’re selling here. It’s 2017. Everyone and their mother has a smartphone. Texting is basically like breathing; we’re all doing it all the time. You can try to pretend you’re different, but I highly doubt it.
  2. One-word answers make you seem boring AF. When you send me one-word answers, it seriously gets to me. I’m sorry, did you not have the time to construct more than a “K”? Am I not worthy of a little more effort than that? There are so many guys out there who think it’s all fine and dandy to blow ladies off with a one-word text, but I say enough is enough. If you do this to me, don’t expect me to contact you again.
  3. I think before I text, and so should you. When I text a guy, I don’t just pull a load of nonsense out of my pretty little head — I actually think about what I’m going to say first. I take the time to ask them questions and make sure that I have something interesting to say. If you dare to text me before you’ve bothered to engage your brain, I’m out. I honestly don’t have time to waste on guys like that.
  4. I don’t want an essay, just a little more than an emoticon. Look, I’m not asking you to write me a novel or craft an autobiography in text form. Long texts can be tiring AF for both parties. Still, if you send me a smiley face rather than an actual response, I’m going to lose it. Emoticons alone do not make up a conversation unless you’re still in preschool. Grow the hell up, and then we’ll talk.
  5. If you can’t hold up a conversation via text, how will you IRL? The main reason that these half-assed texts are so infuriating is because it shows what kind of a person you are. If you can’t hold a conversation via text when you have all the time in the world to craft a reply, how do you even function in real life? If, when we date, I have to carry the whole darn conversation, neither of us are going to have any fun.
  6. Sorry, but I’ll judge your spelling and grammar. Poor spellers need not apply. If you have trouble stringing a proper sentence together, I don’t think things are going to work out between the two of us. It probably comes from a latent evolutionary urge to find a smart guy. Basically, I don’t want my kids to be dumb AF.
  7. I don’t buy this “too busy to text” BS. If you tell me you’re “too busy to text,” all I hear is “I don’t value anyone’s time but my own.” No one is too busy to spend two minutes replying to a text. The fact of the matter is that if you wanted to message me, you would.
  8. Texting someone back shows that you give a damn. When you text someone back (quickly), it shows that you care. That’s not a weakness. You don’t have to play any games with me here. I’m looking for a guy that isn’t afraid to give a damn about me. That’s my Mr. Right, okay? If you’re him, text me back when you get a chance.
  9. If you’ve got no sense of humor, that’s a major red flag. When I’m texting with a guy, I get a small taste of his personality. If you can’t go along with some fun banter, there’s no way it’s going to work out. I need a guy who can laugh at me and himself. Life isn’t all about being serious and taking things to heart.
  10. If I don’t get butterflies when I hear that ‘ping’, we’re done. Okay, this one you actually can’t control. If I like you, my stomach will do roughly 50 somersaults when I hear my phone go off. If I hear that all-too-familiar sound and can’t even be bothered to check my phone, it ain’t love. It ain’t even lust. At least we’ve found out now so we can both move on.
Charlotte is a freelance writer who's addicted to binge-watching TV, drinking far too much coffee, and writing articles.