Thoughts Every Woman Has When She Gets A UTI

Ah, urinary tract infections: the incredibly uncomfortable tingly, burning sensation you get in your crotch after some bastardly bacteria makes its way into your urethra. Despite the cause of your UTI, you’re likely to have the same series of thoughts as the discomfort ravages your lady parts and the organs beyond.

“This is what I get for not peeing after sex.” You were so tired/lazy/satisfied, though. Rolling out of bed naked and lumbering to the bathroom sounded like the worst thing ever. Congratulations, your post-coitus nonchalance has earned you at least 24 hours of constant, stinging urination and a host of other unpleasant symptoms that will make you want to want to drink a gallon of NyQuil just to escape the agony.

“Holy crap, it burns.” The burning sensation is at its worst while you’re actually peeing, but it doesn’t fully stop when your stream stops. The groin fire sticks around even after you’re done with your business just to remind you that there’s still bacteria partying in your urethra.

“How long will this last?” You’ve got life to live and lots of stuff to do. You can’t be walking around at work or jogging at the park with a constant, burning urge to pee. You’ll have a twisted, painful look on your face that you won’t be able to hide. This UTI business is seriously inconvenient and life-hindering.

“I can get rid of this on my own.” It should be fairly easy. All you have to do is drink twice your body weight in water to flush all the pesky bacteria out, right? RIGHT? Crap.

“I should probably see a doctor.” But then you’ll have to drive to the office, sit around in the waiting room forever and answer a bunch of questions just to confirm what you already know. Indecisive laziness, you cruel mistress.

“More water. More cranberry juice.” Consume the precious fluids. Consume them all.

“I seriously need to pee again?!” You just went ten minutes ago, but you’re already doing the potty dance again. You’re burning hundreds of calories an hour just walking back and forth to the bathroom and trying to avoid accidental puddles. At least you’re getting your cardio in.

“Never mind. Nothing is coming out.” After the 256th unsuccessful trip to the bathroom, you’re close to knocking yourself unconscious with a pipe wrench just to avoid going through all the obnoxious motions. But, it’s better to waddle to the bathroom again than dribble in your pants. Usually.

“My kidneys are going to explode.” Those suckers are putting in some serious overtime right now. Your back hurts and you’re wondering if you have a full-blown kidney infection. You are now scared and/or concerned enough to drag your ass to the doctor’s office to get some antibiotics.

“Sleeping tonight is going to suck.” Not only will it be damn near impossible to fall asleep with all of the discomfort in your crotch, you’ll probably wake up repeatedly throughout the night to make many trips to the bathroom. Not all of those trips will be successful. You’ll sit on the toilet, half asleep and in pain, but nothing will come out. It’s okay if you finally lose your mind and go on a rampage through the house with your pants still around your ankles.

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