Toxic friendships are the worst—they can leave you feeling frustrated, stressed, and overwhelmed. But sometimes, we get so caught up in these relationships, we don’t even realize how toxic they are. Here are 16 signs of a toxic friendship that you may be overlooking.
1. Their jokes are the opposite of harmless.
All friendships are made up of a decent amount of joking around, but they’re usually pretty harmless. This friend’s jokes? Not so harmless. In fact, they’re pretty harmful. Whenever you’re around them you’re the butt of the joke or being put down, and it doesn’t feel good. Sure, you laugh it off, (when you’ve tried to stand up for yourself, the friend has accused you of being too sensitive) but deep down it stings.
2. You don’t tell them the whole truth.
You might not even realize it, but if you find yourself leaving out some important details when telling this friend a story, they could be toxic. whether it’s abstaining from the truth because you feel like they’ll make fun of you or judge you, it’s clear you don’t feel safe with this person and you shouldn’t feel unsafe with friends.
3. They’re always the victim.
The internal and external monologue of this person sounds something like, “The world is out to get me, nothing can ever go right.” If this tune is all too familiar, then your friend is likely toxic. They’re always in a crisis and always need someone (you) to help save them. Even if the problems are very real, they don’t take ownership of their own life and try to make their situation better. Instead, they act helpless and like the victim so you’ll be concerned for them.
4. You give more than you get.
Friendships go in waves—sometimes you’re giving more and sometimes you’re getting more. But here’s the thing with this friend: you don’t really ever get more. You’re like an ATM and they keep withdrawing. Before you know it, they’ve sucked you dry and you wonder how it happened in the first place.
5. Everything feels like a competition.
Your real friends will be happy for you when you achieve your goals. But this friend? They’ll either try to one-up you—if you get a raise, they got a bigger raise, etc.—or make you feel bad with comments like, “Oh, that’s not that much.” You may brush it off in the moment, but it’s an extremely toxic trait. Your friends should be your biggest cheerleaders.
6. You leave hangouts feeling completely drained.
If you get home from seeing this friend and feel like you just fought in three back-to-back wars, they may be more toxic than you realize. This is what we call emotional exhaustion, and it’s very real. It’s not normal to leave a friend feeling like you could sleep for 20 hours straight, so if that happening with this person: be warned.
7. You love it when your plans get canceled.
Everyone jokes about loving it when plans get canceled—who doesn’t want to stay cozy on their couch? It’s normal to feel a little relief when you’re let off the hook, but if there’s not an ounce of disappointment or an urge to reschedule when this friend cancels, then that’s a big red flag.
8. You keep having to cover for them.
This friend’s attitude isn’t the greatest, and everyone’s noticing. Whenever other people try to pull you aside and express their concern about said friend’s behavior, your knee-jerk reaction is to make excuses—like the fact that they’re going through a lot or that they have good qualities, too. If you notice that you’re defending them, you might be enabling the toxicity.
9. They demand all of your attention.
We all know that one friend can’t fulfill every need…except for you. This toxic friend has somehow convinced you that you’re the only person in the world who understands them. When they call you, you always answer. When they claim to have a crisis, you’re in the car on your way. When they tell you how helpful you are, you feel a sense of accomplishment—but this is just their way of keeping you in the behavior of catering to their every need. Not good.
10. You feel trapped in the friendship.
You’re not having fun in this friendship anymore and you want to leave, but you feel like you can’t. Whether that’s because you’re the “only” person they can rely on or if they’ve tried to guilt you after you’ve tried to leave before, this is not healthy. You should never feel like you’re obligated to be someone’s friend. Always put yourself first, that’s how you create a healthy relationship with yourself and others.
11. They pressure you to do things you don’t want to do.
If you thought you left peer pressure in your teenage years, think again. Toxic friends are great at peer pressure, in fact, they thrive on getting others to join them in their overall crappy behavior. Maybe you’re hanging at the bar and you’ve had enough, but they keep ordering drinks because they had a bad day. They want what they want and don’t take into consideration what you want, which brings us to…
12. They don’t respect your boundaries.
Boundaries are a tough subject—it can be really difficult to set firm boundaries and then uphold them. Supportive friends will do the work in order to understand and respect your boundaries. But toxic friends, they’re on the other end of the spectrum—they think your boundaries are a rule and they’re an exception to it. They make you feel like the bad guy for creating barriers when they need you are or in crisis.
13. They’re jealous of your other friends.
If you tell your toxic friend that you have plans with someone else, it probably won’t go over well. They may try to get you to cancel with the promise of something more fun or even stoop as low as insulting the other person to try to convince you that you’re better off without them. This is not good friend behavior.
14. You turn into a different person around them.
You know who you are and you’re proud of that—except when you’re with you-know-who. For some reason, this person has you in a trance-like state when you’re together. You make jokes you normally wouldn’t make, you do things you normally wouldn’t do all to impress this friend. If you can’t be your authentic self in a relationship, then it’s definitely a toxic one.
15. They make you second-guess yourself.
The thing with toxic friends is that they’re going to engage in gaslighting behavior. Instead of giving you support when you’re going through something, they’ll say things that make you feel worse. Whether it’s making up a fake narrative or blaming you for what happened, they intentionally create chaos and that’s—you guessed it—toxic.
16. You cant think of one positive thing about the friendship.
Why are you still in this relationship, really? Is it because you genuinely like this person? Do they lift you up? Do they make you feel good about yourself? If the answer is a resounding “no,” it’s time to get out. You’re not responsible for someone else’s happiness and if a friendship isn’t supportive, uplifting, or joyful then you have no reason to stay.
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