I Used To Chase Guys Until I Realized Some Important Things

Conventional wisdom tells women that we should play hard to get when trying to find a great guy, but I’ve never been one for listening to all that. Not only did I fail to act aloof and disinterested for the longest time, I was the one chasing guys no matter how wrong they were for me or how uninterested. I’ve since learned my lesson, but aggressively pursuing guys for so long taught me a lot about myself and love in general.

  1. Chasing never feels as good as being chased. Making the first move and chasing a guy is supposed to feel empowering, only I had more fun when guys were doing the chasing. Maybe I’m just old-fashioned, but it’s true. I don’t enjoy being a hunter. It feels wrong, like I’m trying to be something I’m not. That doesn’t mean I won’t show interest in a guy if he piques mine, but if he’s not returning the gesture, I know how to rein it in.
  2. There’s not supposed to be a chase at all. After chasing guys in the past, I realized there actually isn’t supposed to be a chase in either direction. If I’m doing all the work and he’s doing nothing, something’s really messed up. I might be getting good exercise by chasing, but I’m really just running after an illusion and tiring myself out. The same is true in reverse — a guy shouldn’t have to chase me. If he likes me and I like him, what more needs to be said?
  3. It makes the playing field uneven. After being clear about wanting a guy, I noticed that a weird shift would happen. I’d be at a sudden disadvantage because the guy would know too much and could use my feelings against me, or he’d lose interest because I was making it way too easy for him. That’s not to say that I should be playing hard to get, but I shouldn’t be so easy that I’m downright desperate.
  4. The chase never ends once you start it. Once I chased a guy, I was always chasing him for the rest of the time we were in each other’s lives. Why? Because the very fact that I had to chase him proved that he was never interested to begin with. Otherwise, he probably would’ve reciprocated my advances and eliminated my need to make them.
  5. Chasing makes it convenient for a lazy loser. Chasing any guy always ended in tears, but this was especially true when I was going after a guy I later discovered was a player or a jerk. It took me too long to realize that the reason this kept happening is because my chasing meant they didn’t have to do a damn thing to have me at their beck and call. That’s so messed up.
  6. Chasing creates an illusion. There’s this idea that chasing is sexy for strong women who want to take control of the relationship and get what they want. Only, with me as the chaser, I felt like I was buying into this glamorized idea that just wasn’t real. I wasn’t feeling very strong or sexy or like I was taking control of my romantic destiny. I was just a girl running after a boy, looking desperate AF and wishing I hadn’t sent that last text.
  7. Chasing hides his real intentions… for a while. When I was chasing a guy, it felt exciting for a while, but then I realized he would have to make a real move sooner or later. Even if he was dating me, he would have to pull his weight more. I couldn’t chase him forever! I wanted to go back in time and decide not to chase him at all so I could see what was really going on with him from the beginning instead of causing a distraction by doing the chasing.
  8. Chasing made me hold on longer than I should have. I was more invested in the relationships where I’d done the chasing. It’s sort of like appreciating items bought with my own money. This meant that I would wait longer than I should have for a guy to come around and make things official. It was total BS and a waste of my time.
  9. Chasing becomes addictive. A few times, I realized I wasn’t really that into the guys I was chasing. I was just addicted to that rush, that feeling of having a challenge and overcoming it by getting the guy — so awkward, not to mention it was made much worse by how temporary that rush really is. When I won over the guy, I realized he wasn’t as great as I had thought because I’d been so focused on the chase instead of the actual relationship at the end of it.
  10. Chasing changed how I make the first moveAfter chasing guys, I resolved never to make the first move again because it just made me feel desperate, clingy, and foolish. But the truth is, there’s nothing wrong with making the first move — it just shouldn’t bleed into an extended period of chasing. If there’s nothing happening after my first move, I’m out of there for my own sanity.
  11. I hate guys who play hard to get. Some guys love to play hard to get (as do some women), but honestly, I detest these games. I don’t see why a guy can’t just be clear about what he wants from the beginning. If he’s pretending not to be interested, I think that he’s just keeping his options open, which sucks. I’d rather not chase at all because it makes me prove I’m not an option but a priority, damn it.
Giulia Simolo is a writer from Johannesburg, South Africa with a degree in English Language and Literature. She has been working as a journalist for more than a decade, writing for sites including AskMen, Native Interiors, and Live Eco. You can find out more about her on Facebook and LinkedIn, or follow her on Twitter @GiuliaSimolo.