If You Want To Date Me, These Are My Sexpectations

I have relationship expectations that I deserve in order to be happy, but I also have sexpectations— things I expect to happen in the bedroom. They’re really not high demands, and any guy who really wants to be with me will rise up to meet them.

  1. Foreplay is a must. I want lots of foreplay in every shape and form! It’s often the best part of sex, like enjoying dessert before the main course, so I definitely don’t want to rush past it in order to have intercourse. That’s boring.
  2. I want a partner who speaks up. I don’t only want a partner who speaks to me about important relationship issues but also about sex: what we’re doing, what can be improved, and what they need during. This is important because sex starts in the brain and we can’t be completely pleasured by each other if we’re not talking about it.
  3. Let’s set limits. I want to know a guy’s deepest sexual fantasies and I want him to know what mine are so that we can see how much we have in common in the sack—and what we won’t be trying anytime soon. It’s good to know each other’s sexual boundaries. Sorry, dude, but you won’t be putting it in my butt. Ever.
  4. I want regular sex. I want sex regularly to feel connected to my partner and feel pleasure. Who doesn’t? Of course, it’s good to speak to each other about how much sex we generally want in a relationship so we can sync our needs. This also prevents any misunderstandings. For instance, if a guy doesn’t want sex every day and it has nothing to do with how he feels about me, it helps me to know that.
  5. I want him to want to give me pleasure. I’m always keen to pleasure my partner but I need to know that I’m getting what I give. If a guy’s not interested in my orgasm and just wants to get off himself, it’s such a turn-off. I have no time for selfish lovers.
  6. He has to care about the clitoris. Too many men either don’t know where the clitoris is or just don’t really care about it. They tend to think that all the action has to happen in the vagina, but that’s so not true. I want a guy to care about my clitoris and how much pleasure it can bring, as well as realize that not every woman wants hers to be touched in the same way.
  7. I won’t be treated like all the others. I don’t want to think about my boyfriend’s exes and what pleased them when I’m in the sack with him. Hell no. One of my sexpectations is that a guy shouldn’t expect me to be like his previous partners, such as by thinking since she liked a certain sex position or came in a certain way, that this is standard for all women. It’s not. Focus on me!
  8. Kissing never fails to impress me. I want to kiss all the time, and not just during foreplay. Kissing intensifies sexual pleasure and helps partners to connect. It’s also a must outside of the bedroom, forming part of general intimacy. Without it, we don’t have chemistry or a connection.
  9. I’m after real intimacy. Besides kissing, there are so many other types of intimacy I want to explore in my relationship. If a guy thinks that intimacy only happens during sex, he’s not the right person for me. I want loads of other intimacy, like cuddling, hugging, talking about our dreams and sleeping together without having sex.
  10. Booty-calls are off the table. A guy who can’t make an effort to see me or have a real conversation with me but wants to booty call me at two in the morning needs to GTFO. I don’t want to be with someone who only calls when he’s horny because then it shows me that he’s after sex but not real intimacy.
  11. I need to feel the love. I need to feel loved in order for sex to be the most pleasurable thing for me. When I feel loved and like I can trust my partner, this also enables me to lose my inhibitions, which means the sex is out of this world because I’m more confident.
  12. I want it sober. Please, guys, don’t expect to have amazing sex when you’re drunk as a skunk. TBH, that’s a total turn-off for me. The guy smells like booze (gross), is fumbling around (ouch, that’s my nipple!) or suddenly becomes an amazing lover. Hmm, so he needs chemicals to make sex great? Ugh. Not interested.
  13. I want romance. Don’t just rush through sex, for goodness’ sake. I want romance! I want to be with someone who will set the scene and make it romantic, as well as be into doing sensual things together, such as watching each other get undressed. It makes for an exciting time and proves that sex is not the only thing that matters.
  14. I want real sex, not the idealized version. I know that sex videos online look cool sometimes but I don’t want to be with a partner who expects me to recreate those unrealistic scenes. The result is I end up in a really uncomfortable sexual position that might wind me up in the ER. I want a partner who wants the real-life, messy, unpredictable sex that isn’t perfect and doesn’t resemble the fake stuff but is so much more fun.
Giulia Simolo is a writer from Johannesburg, South Africa with a degree in English Language and Literature. She has been working as a journalist for more than a decade, writing for sites including AskMen, Native Interiors, and Live Eco. You can find out more about her on Facebook and LinkedIn, or follow her on Twitter @GiuliaSimolo.