He Asks Me Out But Doesn’t Make Definite Plans — What Gives?

You get along really well and he seems to be into you. So much so that he tells you he can’t wait to hang out again and continue getting to know you. That sounds great and all, but the problem is that it never actually happens. Why does he keep insisting he wants to see you but never makes an effort to actually do it? Here’s what could be happening and why you shouldn’t put up with it.

1. He’s stringing you along.

When a guy is into you, he’ll make definitive plans to see you again. He won’t be throwing breadcrumbs that lead to a dead end. When he starts going on about how much he wants to see you again, you should watch the actions that follow and forget about the sweet words. He wants to hang with you in the same way that he wants to quit his job and backpack all over the world. It’s all empty talk that means nothing at all.

2. He likes keeping his options open.

He might really want to see you, but only if his other plans with other women fall through. By continuing to chat with him, you’re just continuing your role as the backup woman. When he gets bored or lonely enough or has nothing better to do, he might actually decide to meet up with you. The best thing you can do is make sure you’re not there when that invitation comes.

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4. He wants to check that you’re still into him.

It’s a nice ego boost for him to know that you’re eager to spend time with him again — he gets the high from it and doesn’t even have to put in any effort to see you again. Nice… until the next time he feels like another ego stroke, that is. What’s extra annoying is that he’s clearly arrogant enough to think that you’ll always say yes. It doesn’t even occur to him that you have enough self-respect and a firm enough grip on your self-worth to say thanks but no thanks when he finally decides it’s time to follow through and make plans.

5. He’s never going to be with you.

Sorry, but if he’s being this nonchalant, he’s clearly not serious about you and he’s not going to come around. Guys who are serious do things very differently: They’ll make it clear that they’re into you and when they’re going to see you, down to the hour. It’s that simple. It doesn’t take long to know that you really like someone, and you definitely don’t need to wait around for someone who’s unsure about you.

6. He’s confused and uncertain.

It could be that he’s really just giving you mixed signals because he’s the one all over the place. Maybe he’s not sure if he’d rather do something else or see you, or what it means if he does see you. Is he freaking out about date expectations? Whatever he’s going through, it’s not your stuff to understand. You don’t need to teach someone how to be a good boyfriend or even a mature adult. Don’t waste your time.

7. He’s not making you a priority.

You feel crappy when he lets you down again. He makes you believe that he wants you to be a priority just to charm you into staying on his good side, but then he goes ahead and does the complete opposite. Why? Because he’s a jerk. You’re better than being someone’s second (or third… or fourth…) option.

8. He’s going with the flow and having fun.

He might just be keen to have fun and keep things light, so if he cancels plans or doesn’t make definite ones, he doesn’t think it’s a big deal because he’s the king of “there’s always next time.” Only dead fish go with the flow, dude. He obviously doesn’t value you or your time or he wouldn’t go on like this.

9. He’s not looking for anything serious.

You can tell a lot about a guy from his small behaviors, like whether or not he keeps his word about something like making plans to see you. If he can’t do that, then how is he going to follow through on all the bigger things? This guy isn’t looking for anything serious and isn’t going to commit. Not only that, but you sure as hell can’t trust him, so he’s really not worth your time.

10. He’s playing hard to get?

No, he’s just not interested. Why do guys play hard to get? To seem more appealing. According to various studies, men should play hard to get to attract women otherwise women see them as unmanly and possibly become suspicious of them if they’re too attentive. You might think this guy is playing hard to get to keep you on your toes and make him seem more desirable, but no. If he was playing hard to get, he’d have to quit the games to show he’s serious or risk losing you. This guy is just not interested enough but honestly, he’s doing you a huge favor.

What to do when he repeatedly asks you out but doesn’t make plans

While the easiest answer here is to just walk away and never look back, you might actually want to give this a real shot at succeeding. If that’s the case, you need to take action now so that either the issue of his weird, noncommital approach to dating is fixed immediately or you can cut your losses and move on.

1. Call him out on it.

If he repeatedly mentions how much he loves hanging out with you and can’t wait to do it again, pull him on it. Ask him when he plans on taking you out if he’s so keen to do so. Tell him that you’re really busy and have a lot going on so you need to know whether or not to make room for him in your schedule. If he’s still flaky and gets weird about it, you know not to take him seriously.

2. Try to make plans with him yourself.

Let’s just give this guy the benefit of the doubt and assume that maybe he’s shy or afraid of rejection and that’s why he’s not being more forward. He wants you to take the reins, so do it. Ask him if he wants to go somewhere and do something at a specific time if he’s so excited about hanging out. If he says he’s busy, offer an alternate time. If he still won’t commit to meeting up, that tells you everything you need to know.

3. Do a little poking around.

If you met him on a dating app, do a little peeking around to see if he’s super active on them, which could give you some insight on why he’s so hard to nail down. Check out his social media accounts and if he’s active, see what he’s been up to lately that could possibly be taking so much of his time and attention. It’s an obvious red flag if he’s a big partier or worse, if he’s pictured with other women. That’s a major sign he definitely isn’t interested in dating you.

4. If you’re not getting anywhere, know when to walk away.

If you’ve tried calling him out, making plans with him, and getting him to be a bit more involved and you’re not getting anywhere with him, know when to throw in the towel. You should never have to chase a guy to give you attention or want to see you. Not only that, but if he’s this blase and uninterested this early on, what on earth would he be like if you did eventually start dating? Wish him well and cut ties so you can move on to someone who actually wants to pursue a relationship because it’s not him.

Giulia Simolo is a writer from Johannesburg, South Africa with a degree in English Language and Literature. She has been working as a journalist for more than a decade, writing for sites including AskMen, Native Interiors, and Live Eco. You can find out more about her on Facebook and LinkedIn, or follow her on Twitter @GiuliaSimolo.