Sexuality is a very individual thing and no one person’s libido is the same as any other’s. Unfortunately, this can cause unrest in relationships when your sex drive doesn’t match up with your partner’s. Is there anything you can do when this happens, and how do you manage a relationship where you want more sex than he does? Here are some tips for those of you who are a little hornier a little more often than your other half.
- Remember, it’s not personal. If your boyfriend doesn’t want sex as much as you, it doesn’t mean that he no longer finds you attractive or he doesn’t love you anymore. It’s likely hard for him too knowing that he doesn’t get sexually aroused as easily as you do. He likely wishes that he could change that. Try to have empathy for his feelings, even as you are feeling neglected.
- Know that nagging never helps. The more you push him for sex, the more he will tune you out. If you continue to make it the biggest issue in your relationship, he might not only turn off sexually but he could turn off emotionally too. Turn things around by being kind and complimentary. Make sure that he knows that you value him for more than sex.
- Try something new. Women often turn down sex because it has become habitual and nothing is different. They want to be turned on in different ways, and men can be the same. Maybe he’s just not aroused by the same you-do-this-and-I’ll-do-that-and-then-we-can-orgasm routine that you’ve fallen into. The best way to find out is to ask him if he’d like to try something different. Be open to his suggestions. If you’re not sure if you want to try it, just ask him to give you some time. You can have conversations about sex without having sex.
- Turn your focus to yourself. When there’s a problem in your relationship, it can become all-consuming. You feel a need to fix it. Instead of hyper-focusing on your sex life (or lack of), turn your attention to yourself. Spend time with friends. Go on a spa vacation by yourself. Oh, and if you’re not doing it already, learn to masturbate. There’s no reason that women need to depend on someone else for their sexual satisfaction. Buy some new toys. Explore erotic stories or audio erotica. Watch porn for women.
- Discover your love language. There are five love languages. They are: words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and receiving gifts. If you love language is physical touch, you can learn to satisfy your need for intimacy through different textures like a soft blanket, feathers, nubby toys, a pinwheel, or other textiles that arouse you. If your love language is words of affirmation, you can satisfy this need yourself by journaling, starting a blog, joining a Facebook group, or finding a Reddit that fits your needs. You can satisfy all five of the love languages on your own, but ultimately, it’s best if you and your partner can learn to satisfy those needs for each other. In doing this, sex will not be the primary focus of your relationship.
- Learn to be intimate without sex. Touch does not always have to lead to sex. Give each other massages. Hold hands. Kiss and make out like you’re in high school and only have five minutes between classes. Take sex off the table to relieve the pressure and just enjoy being intimate with each other.
- Find out if the time of day is the issue. Some people don’t like to have sex at night. They’re tired and need to let their brains rest. They might feel more aroused in the morning after a shower. Suggest different times of the day to see if it makes a difference.
- Communicate. This is not the same as nagging. When you communicate, you keep the atmosphere judgment-free. You talk and exchange ideas. Make him feel free to say exactly what is on his mind without feeling like you will get mad at him. Remind him you don’t think of him as less than a man and that his feelings and emotions are valid.
When it comes right down to it, you need to remember that sex is not the most important thing in a relationship. You can have a very satisfying relationship with someone whose sex drive does not match yours.
Ultimately, you’re the only one that is responsible for your satisfaction, so it’s up to you to find ways to fill your needs. If you absolutely feel that you need to be with someone that has a similar sex drive, you need to be honest with him and with yourself.