Who Is My Boyfriend Texting? How To Find Out And What To Do About It

It’s unsettling when your BF’s always on his phone. He’s laughing and typing and seems to be having a great time but you’re not in on the fun. Who on earth is he texting? You should never snoop through his phone as it’s a violation of his privacy, but you do deserve to know who he’s chumming it up with. Here are ways to find out so you can deal with the situation.

  1. Bring it up in a casual way. You guys are supposed to be snacking on popcorn and watching a movie together. Instead, he’s texting someone. You can try to find out who it is by asking him in a casual way, like by saying, “Something urgent?” See how he reacts to that. If he gets weird or quiet about it or seems to fumble his way through the answer, that should raise a red flag.
  2. Stay cool. Before you jump the gun and think that he’s texting some woman he wants to hook up with, try to keep things in perspective. Some people are always on their phones. They could be texting a bunch of different people, from co-workers to friends to family. Or, maybe when you think they’re texting they’re actually just checking social media. Don’t get ahead of yourself or resort to desperate measures.
  3. Ask him directly. If you’ve tried the casual conversation option at the start of this article and it didn’t give you information about who he’s texting so much, you could just try asking him directly  – “Who are you texting?” – when he’s buried his nose in his phone during your date. If that feels too blunt, you could start by mentioning something like, “You’re always on your phone. I sometimes wonder who you’re texting.” Again, gauge his reaction to see if he’s lying or if your gut starts screaming at you that he’s up to something.
  4. Request to see his texts. You might not want to snoop through his phone (more on that later!), so you have an alternative: you could ask him to show you his phone so you can view his texts. To make it feel less like you’re accusing him of something, you could offer your phone up in exchange. It’s a show of trust, but he might not be keen on the idea. If he isn’t, you can’t assume it’s because he’s hiding something. It might be that he sees it as a violation of his privacy.
  5. Snoop through his device. Right, this one’s a bit controversial. It’s the desperate measure we were talking about earlier. It’s a total violation of privacy, but if you feel comfortable with doing it and you don’t see any other way, then go ahead and check his phone. Just make sure that if you find something dodgy, you don’t mind ‘fessing up about how you discovered it!
  6. You know he’s texting someone else. what now? Maybe you found out that he’s definitely been texting another woman. While this can make you freak out, you have to try to stay calm so you can confront him about it.
  7. Think about what you actually found. It’s easy to see some woman’s name on his phone a few times and jump to conclusions that they’re having an affair, but they might just be friends and he doesn’t want to sleep with her. Or, maybe he acted weird when you asked him who he was texting so you thought it must be some other woman he’s chatting to. Although it’s hard, try to keep things in perspective. If you don’t have all the answers right away, it’s pointless to fill in the blanks in your own head.
  8. Consider your deal-breakers. What are your deal-breakers when it comes to your guy texting other women. Can he have female friends or are you against that for whatever reason? What do you view as flirting? What kind of texting will you put up with and what’s a deal-breaker that you don’t want in your life? These are important to think about so you know where your boundaries lie.
  9. Now talk to him about it. Whether you found some flirtatious texts on his phone or you just get the feeling that he’s hiding something, the only way to deal is to talk to him about it. You should do this in a quiet, private place when you’re both calm and have time to talk. This conversation will give you the information you need so you can decide if you believe him, if he’s worth staying with, or if he’s cheating and you want out of the relationship, so take it seriously.
Giulia Simolo is a writer from Johannesburg, South Africa with a degree in English Language and Literature. She has been working as a journalist for more than a decade, writing for sites including AskMen, Native Interiors, and Live Eco. You can find out more about her on Facebook and LinkedIn, or follow her on Twitter @GiuliaSimolo.