As a parent, the worry is always there. The nagging thoughts that keep you up at night and sound like: “Am I a good parent?” “Am I going to mess up my kid?”And, friend, I hate to be the bearer of bad news…but there’s a good chance that the answer to both those questions may be “yes.”
You can be an amazing, loving parent, but that won’t guarantee much. Because kids aren’t the quadratic formula. You can’t just plug in “good parenting” and get a sure, positive result. Here are all the ways you can be a good parent and still mess up your kids:
1. Your kids are individual, unique, complex people.
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Your kid won’t be just like you, or just like your spouse. If you have multiple children, you’ll have multiple sets of interests, personalities, and behaviors in your home. Just because something worked for you, doesn’t mean it will work for them. The disciplinary strategy that was helpful for your oldest might make the second child go completely feral. Getting stuck in the belief that there’s one right way to parent will usually end in disaster.
2. Your upbringing wasn’t the best.
You’re doing the best you can, but maybe you didn’t have a great example. You’re trying not to yell, but it was all you ever knew. Maybe you don’t even realize there was anything wrong with your childhood. So you do what your parents did, and it backfires. You spank because your parents spanked, and you turned out (mostly, maybe) fine? However unintentionally, sometimes our own traumas as parents trickle down to our kids. It’s not your fault. It’s just an unfortunate reality of being human.
3. You haven’t experienced everything.
You have a lot of life advice to give. Most of it really good, I bet. But we all have limited life experience. If you were a straight-A student with little effort, your son’s failing algebra grade may throw you for a loop. If your spouse was your first and only relationship, then you may feel ill-equipped to comfort your daughter after a breakup. You’re trying. You give the best advice you can. But sometimes kids need help from someone who can relate to them.
4. Your family is an island.
You don’t have much of a social circle. You aren’t close to your extended family—it’s just the members of your household against the world. This isn’t always your fault. Maybe you escaped a toxic family situation where isolation is better than what you left behind. But, unfortunately, your kids need more than just you. They need to be exposed to differing opinions and lifestyles. You can be an incredibly loving parent, but your kids still need to experience life and people outside their home.
5. You overshare.
You were just venting. You didn’t even know they were listening! Maybe you had a bad day at work and started venting about your unhealthy work culture. Now your kid carries guilt for what you go through each day, they feel like a burden, and it’s not their burden to bear. Or maybe you were trying to impart wisdom about how all marriages take work, and now they think Mom and Dad are unhappily married (thus altering their view on relationships). Sometimes we don’t even realize we’re doing it. But as parents, we have to be extra careful with our words.
6. You don’t share enough.
You think you’re doing great. You put food on the table for your kids. You show up at every single sports event, band concert, etc. You’re so proud of them. You think they’re incredible. But when was the last time you actually said those words out loud? Some kids have a harder time interpreting actions. Being intentional about being vocal in your love for them can never hurt. It’s always better to voice it, just in case.
7. You’re strongly—and loudly—opinionated.
This isn’t about your parenting, it’s more about you. You aren’t trying to force your opinions on your kids—you don’t care who they end up voting for, whether they’re religious, etc. But you have strong opinions, and you voice them often. Maybe angrily. And maybe you have a people-pleasing kid who wants to meet your approval so they base what they like and don’t like on their parent’s angry dinnertime rants. Having strong opinions is totally fine but again, mind your words around your children.
8. You think you know what’s best for them.
And honestly, maybe you do! Maybe you know that relationship is no good. Maybe you know they’re going to hate nursing school. But kids have to figure things out on their own. They have to learn through experience, just like we do. Living their lives based on what we tell them won’t actually teach them anything. We learn to live by living. And kids are just the same.
9. You became friends too quickly.
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You were so excited for the era of timeouts, butt wiping, and crayon-on-the-walls to be over. Your dreams of a “little best friend” could finally come true! Except maybe they weren’t ready for that just yet. Maybe they still needed to see you exclusively as their parent for a little while longer. Even though finding the balance is hard (and no one does it perfectly), that boundary between parents and children is vital.
10. You don’t understand their generation.
You don’t know their slang. You can’t for the life of you fathom why your ten-year-old thinks she needs retinol (she doesn’t, and you should definitely step in, here). You’re more confused by their TikTok than you were in advanced trigonometry. And sometimes, our confusion can come off as hostility. A genuine “What is the point of that?” sounds like dismissing and mocking. And our kids see that as us not knowing them—and not wanting to know them. Get involved! Take them shopping for the baggy jeans, even if you hate them. Tell them how great they look! They’ll remember that you took the time to understand them. They’ll also remember if you don’t…
11. The world looks different now.
Often, we try and parent as if the world hasn’t changed. Maybe social media didn’t exist when you were a teenager, so now you have no clue how to manage your child’s online presence. You stress the importance of home ownership, but it’s not as easy as it was when you graduated college. We have to make an effort to understand the world our kids are living in right now and adjust our parenting accordingly. Otherwise, we give our children misguided expectations of the world, and/or leave them with the assumption that “mom and dad just don’t get it.”
12. You worry too much.
The trouble here comes when your parenting is shaped by that worry. You’re so worried about human trafficking that your daughter is afraid to go to a store alone. You’re so worried about the cost of college, that your kid thinks maybe they shouldn’t go at all. It’s natural for us as parents to worry, but we have to know how to balance keeping our children safe and aware while fostering independence. It’s a hard balance to strike, but it’s absolutely imperative for raising functional adults.
13. Your romantic relationships don’t set the best example.
You were a loving, supportive, amazing parent. You taught your children the importance of loving themselves and creating a happy life. But they watched you endure all kinds of toxicity in your relationships. Without ever meaning to, you taught them that a partner yelling at you is normal. That staying in unhealthy situations is normal. Our actions speak louder than words. It’s important that even our love life is something our kids can look up to.
14. Your kids have different mental health struggles.
You make an off-handed comment about how a certain town has a high crime rate. Now your kid with anxiety is afraid to stop at a red light there. When your child isn’t mentally healthy, the smallest, most normal interactions can be interpreted differently. Parenting a child with mental health struggles is a whole different ballgame, and that shrinks our acceptable margin for error.
15. You don’t take care of yourself.
You make sure your babies are squeaky clean. They have new clothes. All organic meals. But when was the last time you took time to shower, have more than a coffee for breakfast, or replace those six-year-old sneakers? Sacrifice is just a part of being a parent, of course. But we teach our kids through our behaviors. And it’s important that your kids see you as more than a martyr. Otherwise, they’ll likely follow in our footsteps. You don’t want to spend your aging years watching your child run themselves ragged, just because they saw you do it.
16. Looking for love? Think it into existence.
Try our sister site, Sweetn, a new startup that uses science and research to help you transform your love life. Their cool quiz and tools teach you to use your mind to find love. Better yet, it starts to work in just a few weeks. Check it out here.
