I Won’t Sleep With A Man I’m Not In Love With

Modern dating is practically defined by hookup culture. Sex just isn’t as serious as it used to be—well, to most people, that is. Call me old-fashioned all you like, but I won’t sleep with a man I’m not head over heels in love with. Here’s why:

  1. I want every sexual encounter to actually mean something to me. I have absolutely no interest in meaningless sex. I don’t want a casual hookup and I could never handle a friends with benefits situation. What I really want is love. I want a real relationship, not just sex. If I can’t have both then I’d rather have neither.
  2. For me, there’s such a thing as being emotionally ready for sex. Even though I’m not a virgin, I need to be emotionally ready for each new man I let into my bed. Every new relationship starts back at square one. I’m not going to give it up earlier for the next man just because I’ve had sex in the past. Every man has to earn a right to be with me and until I’m emotionally ready for us to take that next step, he needs to be okay with celibacy.
  3. There’s always the risk of pregnancy. I take my birth control at the same exact time every day like clockwork, but even combining that with condoms or any other form of birth control, pregnancy is always a risk. If I’m going to take that risk, I’m not going to take it with just anyone. If I accidentally get pregnant on the pill, I at least want to be with a man I love when it comes to something that serious. 
  4. I’m a relationship girl. I have no judgment on hookup culture but it’s just not for me. I can’t bounce from guy to guy without GAF. I can’t date casually without developing serious feelings. I’m either all in or I’m completely out. With me, there is no half way. It’s either a full-on relationship or I’m totally single because I can’t handle “it’s complicated…”
  5. I know myself well enough to know I’d regret it. Sleeping around just doesn’t interest me. I know that hookup culture is what modern dating is all about but if I gave into that peer pressure, I know I’d just end up with a long list of regrets. I want to look back and not think about how crazy I was in bed with random guys but how much I loved specific guys. If my heart, my body, and my conscious are all saying no to loveless sex then I’d better listen.
  6. I want the sex to mean as much to him as it does to me. I don’t want to be another notch in his belt. I want to be with a man that I know loves me just as much as I love him. I don’t want the risk of having him never call me again because it was purely physical. I want to know he has real feelings for me first before I let him in my bed.
  7. For me, sex is first and foremost the physical act of love. It’s not a workout or a stress reliever and it isn’t just good old fun. It’s not casual to me. It’s always serious. Some people might be able to separate sex from love but I can’t. I don’t want to be with someone in that way if I’m not in love with him. That might be old-fashioned, but at the end of the day, I have to be me and that’s my truth.
  8. My body is my temple. That’s why I’m not going to let just anyone in. There are so many things I can’t control but sex is one of the things I can. I can choose who I let into my heart and into my bed. I can decide if a man is worthy of my body or if I have no interest in any sort of relationship with him. I may not be able to take the reigns in every aspect of my life, but this is one piece of it where I can, and I’m not going to take that for granted.
  9. If I don’t feel something emotionally, I don’t have an urge physically. My attraction to a man (in the sense of actually wanting to have sex or even just kiss) is directly connected to my emotions. I just don’t get turned on unless emotions are involved. My attraction ends at thinking a guy is good looking unless his personality can make my heart skip a beat. Sex without emotions is absolutely unappealing to me.
  10. I can satisfy myself if need be. I’m not just looking for someone to get me off. What I’m really looking for is a life partner. I may not be able to totally fulfill my emotional needs on my own, but I can fulfill my physical ones. A vibrator can get the job done just fine (if not better). I’m not just looking to use a man’s body. I want his heart too.
  11. Breakups are so much harder if we had a sexual relationship too. At least they are for me. I not only create an emotional attachment to the person but a physical one too. Even worse, the physical attachment intensifies my emotions. I have such a harder time dealing with the end if I allowed myself to be vulnerable with a guy in every way. So for the sake of my heart, despite modern dating, I’m not sleeping with him unless I’m truly in love.
Kelsey Dykstra is a freelance writer based in Huntington Beach, CA. She has a bachelor’s degree in Creative Writing from Grand Valley State University and been writing professionally since graduating in 2013. In addition to writing about love and relationships for Bolde and lifestyle topics for Love to Know, she also writes about payment security and small business solutions for PaymentCloud.

Originally from Michigan, this warm weather seeker relocated to the OC just last summer. Kelsey enjoys writing her own fictional pieces, reading a variety of young adult novels, binging on Netflix, and of course soaking up the sun.

You can find more about Kelsey on her LinkedIn profile or on Twitter @dykstrakelsey.