It costs absolutely nothing to be kind and it puts so much good into the world, but not everyone is on board with it. Sure, some people don’t make it easy to be nice to them, but for the most part, treating everyone with basic dignity, respect, and consideration is the bare minimum you should be doing if you want to be a decent human being. Sadly, if you’re guilty of any of the following behaviors, you’re not a nice person. Get your act together!
1. You judge people for superficial things.
Whether it’s how much money they make, the clothes they wear, or even the fact that they’re vegan, you think you’re superior to some people and look down on them for things that really don’t matter in life. Anyone whose approach to life doesn’t match yours earns your automatic disdain, and that’s not only unfair and short-sighted, it’s also just plain rude.
2. You’re rude to or dismissive of people in the service industry.
This is a biggie. You don’t get to treat the waiter, bus boy, or taxi driver like crap because you’re paying them for a service. They’re doing their job — and being seriously underpaid for it, no doubt — and the very least they deserve is for the customer to be nice to them. Being purposely difficult or making their shift harder because tasks like stacking your used plates or putting the shopping cart is “their job” is gross.
3. You’re only nice when you want something.
Your kindness is conditional and only comes out when you stand to gain something from it. The rest of the time, you couldn’t care less about how your behavior comes off to those around you. If the only time you can bring yourself to be a decent person is when you’re hoping you’ll get something out of it, you’re definitely not nice. In fact, you may be a bit of a sociopath.
4. You make a lot of promises you know you’ll never keep.
You’re totally cool with telling your high school best friend that you’ll grab a drink when them this week or your colleague that you’ll help them prepare for an important presentation even though you know you have no plans on doing it. Your promises are completely empty and you’re fine with that. After all, the person you’re letting down will get over it in the end, right?
5. You tell people what they want to hear even if it’s not the truth.
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You’re not doing this because of a need for approval — you most likely pay lip service as a way to avoid conflict or to get out of having to have a tough conversation. You prefer not to be inconvenienced by drama, even if it’s totally legitimate, so you just tell people whatever you think will keep them off your case even when it’s totally disingenuous. A legitimately nice person wouldn’t do that.
6. You can’t handle being wrong (and refuse to admit you are).
Most of the time, you shift the blame for things that go wrong onto other people or circumstances beyond your control. When you can’t worm your way out of taking responsibility for your actions, you react with defensiveness and a bit of fury, like you messing up is somehow not your fault. A good person would fess up when they made a mistake and learn from it, but not you!
7. You purposely dominate every conversation.
You’re not really interested in what anyone else has to say, so you see no problem with taking the lead in conversations. You think you’re endlessly fascinating or that what you have to say is much more important than what anyone else wants to talk about, so you just talk over them and don’t give them a chance to get a word in edgewise.
8. When you apologize, it’s rarely genuine.
If someone does actually manage to get an “I’m sorry” out of you, it’s fake. Because you don’t think you did anything wrong (or you’re simply being stubborn), you don’t think you really have anything to apologize for. However, because you just want to brush issues under the rug ASAP, you’ll say you’re sorry just to get it over with.
9. You invalidate or brush off people’s feelings as “no big deal.”
A kind person would make sure those they care about feel validated and supported. However, you downplay or brush off people’s strong emotions, making them doubt themselves or wonder if they’re being too sensitive. In reality, you just trivialize everyone else’s problems and their reactions either because you truly think your own issues are more important or because you don’t want to do the work of truly being there for someone. Whatever way you slice it, it sucks.
10. You gossip about people you’re supposed to be friends with.
This was fine in 4th grade, but you’re a grown adult now, and talking crap about people you supposedly care about is immature and just plain wrong. Instead of talking people down, you should be lifting them up — that’s what a nice person would do. Gossiping or spreading rumors about people makes you look like the bad guy in the end, not the person you’re talking about who isn’t even there to defend themselves.
11. You always — and I do mean always — put yourself first.
While it’s important to prioritize yourself so that you don’t become a doormat, there are times when you can put your own needs on the back burner in order to help someone else out. That’s just not a thing for you because no matter what anyone says, you’re always looking out for #1. This is rude, selfish, and will seriously impact your ability to have healthy, rewarding relationships.
12. You never leave a decent tip.
Let’s not even get into the debate over tipping culture and how consumers shouldn’t have to pick up the slack for cheap business owners, blah blah blah. The point is that in American culture, many workers rely on tips to pay their bills. Not being willing to add a bit onto your bill makes you a jerk, not some activist for reform.
13. You leave messes for other people to clean up.
Put your dishes in the sink. Don’t drop your laundry on the floor; put it in the hamper where it belongs. If you make coffee in the office canteen, wipe the counters down and put things away. You shouldn’t have to be instructed to clean up after yourself. Your colleagues, roommates, friends, or partner are not your mom.
14. You give “compliments” that are actually insulting.
You know the old saying “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”? You should take that to heart. Giving backhanded compliments is awful and proves you just want to destroy people’s self-esteem rather than trying to brighten their day by saying something legitimately kind. You really should zip your lips.
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