If You’re Still Hating On Your Ex, You Haven’t Really Moved On

Depending on how your breakup went down, it’s only natural to hold on to some not-so-positive feelings when it comes to your ex. That being said, there comes a point when you shouldn’t still be stewing in your own anger, blaming everything that went wrong on him. In fact, if you’re still wasting energy hating your ex, it’s probably because you’re not as over him as you’d like to believe.

  1. He doesn’t actually matter anymore. You aren’t together anymore, so why are you still letting him get you all riled up? He might have been an important part of your life at one point, but that’s no longer the case. Nothing he does, thinks or says should have any significant effect on you, so if you’re still letting him get to you, that’s your problem, not his.
  2. You were probably half to blame. It’s rare that a breakup is all one person’s fault. Even if he cheated on you and acted like an all-around jerk, it’s doubtful that you were perfect. I’m not saying he doesn’t deserve every ounce of hate you (and probably your friends) are directing at him, but eventually you have to let it all go if you want to move forward. It’s a lot easier to do that if you stop playing the victim and choose to forgive.
  3. Holding a grudge is unhealthy. Who are you helping by holding onto all those negative feelings? It’s not as if you’re punishing him by hating him — you’re only hurting yourself. You’re holding a grudge because it’s the only thing you have left of your relationship and it’s better than nothing — but it’s really not, and you know it.
  4. You should barely think about him at this point. If you had truly moved on, you wouldn’t be thinking about him at all, let alone still getting angry about things he did. It takes time to get over anger, but if you’re conscious of how much time and energy you’re spending still being mad at him, that’s the first step to cutting it off. Every time a negative thought enters your head, make the choice to distract yourself and not dwell on it. If you haven’t gone through this process yet, you still need to.
  5. You’re still wondering “what if?” Are you still dwelling on all the ways he messed up and wishing things had been different? You haven’t accepted the reality of your relationship being over yet. Moving on means admitting it’s over for good and not wasting another second on regret.
  6. You haven’t learned anything. No failed relationship is a complete waste because there’s always something to be learned from them. If you aren’t at the point where you can think back and see where you might have gone wrong, you’re still too emotionally attached. If you genuinely feel thankful that your ex was a douchebag because of all the things it taught you, then congratulations — you’ve officially moved on.
  7. You still care what he’s doing now. If you still want to know what he’s up to and who he’s dating just so you can be snarky about it with your friends, you’re trying to hide the fact that you still have feelings for him. If you’d truly moved on, you wouldn’t care what was going on in his life anymore.
  8. You probably still bring him up too often. It’s no fun to hate on your ex alone. That’s why you still bring him up to your family and friends — so you can all talk about how awful he was together. You need everyone else to validate your feelings of hatred because you haven’t moved on from what happened. If you were over it, you wouldn’t feel the need to talk about it anymore.
  9. You’re still petty AF. If you actually hope that something bad will happen to him, like that his new girlfriend will cheat on him and leave him heartbroken, you’re not over it. When you do think of him, it should be nothing be wishing him the best. Anything else is negative, petty, and unnecessary.
  10. You haven’t forgiven him. If you’d forgiven him, you wouldn’t be mad him at anymore — it’s as simple as that. Choosing to forgive someone for hurting you doesn’t make you weak, it makes you strong. You’re putting your own sanity first and leaving the past in the past so you can move forward. You might never forget what happened (and you shouldn’t) but forgiveness can be very freeing.
By day, Courtney is a digital marketing copywriter living in Toronto, Canada. By night, she's a freelance lifestyle writer who, in addition to Bolde.com, contributes regularly to AmongMen.ca, IN Magazine, and SheBlogs Canada. Want to chat about relationships, Stephen King or your favorite true crime podcast/documentary/book? She's on Twitter @courtooo.