It seems like a lot of guys have trouble being direct. Maybe they’re afraid of how we’ll respond or maybe they just suck — either way, they aren’t always upfront or honest, and the number one thing they lie about or avoid the topic of is seeing other people. I get it — they want to leave their options open because they’re terrified of commitment but also afraid of being alone — but they need to start telling the truth! Ladies, here are 10 signs he’s seeing other women even if he swears he’s not.
He’s a psycho about his phone. My husband, when he was my boyfriend, left his phone in plain sight with the messages popping straight up on the screen, always. If I so desired, I could see anyone who texted him or emailed him whenever I wanted. My ex would take his phone to the bathroom with him, change his password regularly and encourage us to “respect each other’s privacy.” He was cheating, duh.
He never lets you come to his place. If you’ve been seeing one another for a while and you’re already sleeping together anyway, he shouldn’t be keeping you from his place. Be wary if he says he has roommates or he feels like his place isn’t nice enough for you… these things well may be true, but they’re also convenient excuses. Don’t let it go on too long.
He goes an entire night not answering your texts, but is Johnny on the spot the following morning. We’ve all dated that guy. He’s so responsive most of the time but then disappears for entire evenings or weekend days. Then, all of a sudden, he pops back up and answers you in seconds. I bet he has given you a ton of excuses, but the truth is he’s probably seeing someone else.
He avoids taking you to certain places. Have you asked him to take you to that new French restaurant and he says he doesn’t like the food, only to order something French somewhere else? If he constantly avoids taking you to specific places, there might be a problem. This is one of the biggest signs he’s seeing other women and is afraid of running into one of them when he’s with you.
He emphasizes that you guys are “just having fun.” It doesn’t matter what kind of relationship you two have agreed to be in — if you’ve said you’re exclusive then you should be. Even if you’re just screwing around, you should be a bit worried if he is constantly reminding you that you’re just having fun. He’s probably trying to make himself feel better for sleeping with more than one girl at a time and telling you both he’s only seeing you.
More signs he’s seeing other women
He goes away for work a lot. This one is a given. Yes, some people travel a lot for work, but watch for inconsistencies in his story and mistakes. Does he offer to FaceTime you while he’s there? Does he seem to be going on a whole lot of trips despite not having a job that requires much travel? Does he go AWOL during these trips, claiming he’s so slammed that he doesn’t even have time to text? This is another one of those signs he’s seeing other women.
He has a lot of working lunches or dinners. Most people don’t have jobs that are nice enough to let them have working lunches and dinners frequently. I’m not saying you should be crazy paranoid, but if he gets weird about what client he was with or where they ate, you might want to watch your step with him.
He waits for you to introduce yourself. A common clue is a guy who doesn’t introduce you if you happen to run into someone he knows. He doesn’t want to mix up your name accidentally.
He avoids letting you meet his friends, and especially his family. If you’re dating vs. just sleeping together, at some point in time you should meet his friends… right? If it’s been ages and you have no idea who he spends the rest of his time with, it’s probably because he’s with other women, naked.
He introduces you as his friend. RED FLAG! I know the weird stage where you aren’t officially girlfriend and boyfriend, but you aren’t just a piece of ass who doesn’t have a title. If he introduces you to ANYONE as your friend, you’re screwed. Get out of there now.
What to do if you think he’s seeing other people
Take a deep breath. Is he really dating around or are you a little too paranoid because of bad past experiences? Before you react emotionally, it’s important that you take a deep breath and think logically about the situation. If, when you’ve calmed down, you really feel like the signs are there, then you can proceed.
Do some digging. What is it that makes you think you’re not the only woman in his life? Is he acting shady with his phone? Have you caught him flirting with other women? Whatever signs you’ve picked up on need to be investigated further as you’ll want to come equipped with proof.
Start to detach yourself. If you really liked this guy, finding out that you’re not on the same page after all and that he’s been playing you can be devastating. It’s clear at this point that things aren’t going to work out, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be proactive about the situation. As soon as you discover the truth, it’s time to start detaching yourself from him so that when you do actually fully rip the band-aid off, you’re more prepared.
Confront him with your evidence. This is really more for your own sake than his, since chances are he’ll likely a) deny that he’s seeing other women; b) turn it around on you and say you’re not exclusive anyway; c) tell you that he’ll stop because you’re the only one for him. All of those things are complete and utter BS, obviously, which is why coming prepared is key. You need to get your anger, hurt, and frustration off your chest and he needs to know that women aren’t idiots. It might encourage him to think again in future.
Walk away. No need to make a big to-do about it, just dip out on the situation. If he wants to continue to see other women, it’s his lucky day because he can now see every other woman. You just won’t be one of them anymore.
Why he lies about seeing other women instead of being honest
It would be so simple to tell you upfront that he’s not looking for commitment right now or that he’s getting to know a few different people. So why doesn’t he?
He doesn’t think it’s a big deal. Obviously claiming to be monogamous while you’re secretly entertaining people outside of your relationship is a major problem, but maybe not in his eyes. Chances are he knows deep down that what he’s doing is wrong but he’s lying to himself as well as you. As relationship expert, psychotherapist, and The Breakup Bible author Rachel Sussman told Brides: “I warn them that most people do get caught having an affair and that it’s extremely painful for the person who discovers the affair. Even if the person who’s having the affair has validity as for why they’re unhappy, they’ll lose all that power as soon as the partner finds out about the affair.”
He struggles with monogamy. In his head, he loves the idea of being in a committed relationship with one woman. In reality, he finds it hard to follow through. Maybe it’s because he’s addicted to attention, he self-sabotages, or he’s simply greedy when it comes to women. Either way, Sussman believes it’s a “poor coping device” many men use to avoid dealing with the real issues at play.
He’s not in love with you. That’s obviously not an excuse for being unfaithful, but it’s possible that he believes the lack of overwhelming love means that he owes you nothing and that what you have isn’t serious. He justifies the fact that he’s betraying you and being dishonest by insisting that you’re super casual anyway so it shouldn’t matter. This is obviously wrong.
He’s a genuinely crappy person. While it’s unlikely that you’ve coupled up with a truly heinous guy, it’s possible that he’s just selfish and couldn’t care less about hurting you. He lies freely and does what he wants when he wants, regardless of how it affects other people. In this case, there’s really nothing you can do about it but get as far away from him as possible.