10 Things You Never Want To Happen When You’re Making Love

Intimacy can be awkward, especially at the beginning of a relationship when you don’t know each other that well yet. Weird, disgusting, embarrassing things are bound to happen every once in a while, and it’s nice if you can laugh it off, but you just never know how someone might react. There are a lot of eccentric fetishes out there, and to each their own, but in general, these are a few things most people try to avoid when making love.

  1. His juice in your eye. If you’ve ever accidentally taken a shot to the eye, you know that it’s probably one of the last places you want his juice to end up. It will get red and itchy, and it’s just kind of gross.
  2. Anything involving vomit. We all have to come to terms with the limits of our own gag reflex. You may want to take him deep into your throat, and believe me, he wants you to do it, but some things just aren’t meant to be — especially if you overdid it on the tequila that night. That’s just a disaster waiting to happen.
  3. Anything involving excrement. Now that going through the back door, so to speak, is becoming more and more mainstream, the possibility of excrement entering the equation has gone up. It’s just part of the deal. If you want to do it, you have to be prepared that a little messiness might happen. There are things you can do to hopefully prevent a monumental disaster, but you should still know you’re taking a risk, so proceed accordingly.
  4. Injuries to his man parts. We’ve all heard horror stories about broken manhood. Sometimes we can get a little too enthusiastic and all it takes is the wrong angle at the wrong time and you have a serious injury. Watch TLC’s Sex Sent Me To The ER for more examples that will scare you away from making love forever.
  5. Getting your period. Being intimate on your period is fine and all, but there are certain precautions you should be taking to make it a positive experience. When you’re surprised by an unexpected period, especially when you’re with a guy you don’t know that well, it’s one of those embarrassing moments you’ll never forget.
  6. Farting. You’re making love, so weird sounds are bound to happen. But no matter what, a fart is embarrassing. If you fart while he’s got his face down there, that’s even worse. And if it’s a stinky one, you might as well just change your number and try to forget he exists because you’ll never be able to look him in the eye ever again.
  7. Anything that reminds you of your dad. Some people are into the whole “daddy” thing, but for most women, the thought of their father is a guaranteed mood killer. That’s just taking daddy issues way too far.
  8. Failed birth control. Having your protection fail you is a casual encounter worst case scenario. No one wants to deal with the “should we go get the morning after pill right this second” debate, not to mention you’ll have to worry about the possibility of diseases. It’s enough to make you never want to have a casual encounter again.
  9. One of you falling asleep. You think you’re doing an amazing job with your mouth. Some of your best work, actually. That is, until you glance up to do that sultry eye contact thing and you realize he’s fast asleep. His manhood just hasn’t realized it yet.
  10. Someone walking in on you. Not always that big a deal unless you’re trying out some kind of new acrobatic position you read about in Cosmo for the first time. It’s unlikely your roommate will ever be able to get that visual out of her head, and she might make you pay to get the couch cleaned too.
By day, Courtney is a digital marketing copywriter living in Toronto, Canada. By night, she's a freelance lifestyle writer who, in addition to Bolde.com, contributes regularly to AmongMen.ca, IN Magazine, and SheBlogs Canada. Want to chat about relationships, Stephen King or your favorite true crime podcast/documentary/book? She's on Twitter @courtooo.