Someone who’s got a victim mentality always feels like the world’s out to get them. They don’t take responsibility for their actions, largely because they feel like powerless bystanders in their own life. While this can be hard for the people around them to deal with, knowing how to handle them can be more helpful to both of you than you realize. Here are 15 ways to reply when someone plays the victim so you’re kind to them without enabling them — or swooping in to rescue them yet again.
1. “Is it?”
Ask the person questions and be empathetic about their answers. So, saying something like, “Really?” or “Is it?” when they start to complain about a situation in their life is a good way to encourage them to talk about how they feel. The deeper they delve, the more likely they are to be able to distinguish whether they’re seeing things clearly or blowing them out of proportion.
2. “Will this help?”
If all they want to do is vent and complain 24/7, it’s worth asking them how the complaining is going to help. Make them aware of their negative behavior in a gentle way. If it seems like they want to complain but aren’t interested in solutions, the conversation is clearly a waste of both your time and energy.
3. “Why do you feel that way?”
It can help to gently question why the person feels that their boss is out to get them or their life is pointless. Encourage them to question their thoughts instead of allowing them to run free. Getting to the root of the issue will hopefully give them the opportunity to recognize that many of their feelings of helplessness are unfounded.
4. “Sorry you feel that way.”
It can be empathetic to tell the person that you’re sorry they feel so depressed or attacked, but never apologize to them for things you haven’t done. Someone who plays the victim might try to shift the blame onto you because they don’t want to take responsibility for their lives. Don’t get trapped!
5. “Maybe you should…”
If the conversation with the person is going around in circles, you could try to offer suggestions, provided they’re welcome. For example, you could say, “Maybe you should talk to the person who’s upsetting you” to encourage a problem-solving mindset that’s healthier than a negative, complaining one.
6. “Let’s talk — I’ve got five minutes.”
People who get stuck in victim mode can sometimes zap your energy, so you have to protect yourself. You can do this by setting time boundaries. Tell the person you can chat with them for five minutes, but then end the call or the conversation so you can get on with your day.
7. “I can’t solve that problem for you.”
If the person asks you for help with something but you always get reeled into assisting and you don’t want to enable them anymore, you should tell them that it’s their responsibility to solve their issues. It can help to mention ways in which you can help, like by listening to them or offering advice if they want it.
8. “We seem to be going over the same thing here.”
To break out of the complaining cycle, which is common for many people who play the victim, you could tell them something like, “We seem to be going over the same topic here,” so that you can break out of the spiral. This might make them realize that they’re being repetitive and not making any progress.
9. “Do you want to fix it?”
Then, follow up with a question to help them solve the problem, such as, “Do you want to fix it?” or “How do you want to deal with this situation?” This can help the other person to try to climb out of their problem instead of expecting others to bail them out. If they don’t have any interest in finding an answer to that question, you don’t need to be involved any further.
10. “We can talk if you need help to brainstorm.”
If the person doesn’t want to think about how to solve their problem, it’s best to suggest that you’re available if they want to chat in the future. This prevents you from getting caught up in their negative cycle while still offering them your help.
11. “I’d like to help, but I have to say no.”
The person stuck in victim mode might try to get you to help them in their difficult situations, but this doesn’t really help them to stand on their own two feet. Tell them that although you’d like to help them, you can’t do it. Set firm boundaries so you don’t give them all your resources.
12. Â “Not to change the subject, but…”
If you’ve exhausted the conversation but the person just wants to keep going, it can help to turn your attention onto something else. You could say, “Sorry to change the subject, but I wanted to ask you something.” This will help to make the conversation more positive.
13. “I’m here to listen if you need to vent.”
While you might want to tell the person playing the victim that they should stop doing that and get a grip on reality, this is hurtful and not likely to be helpful either. Try to be available to them if they want to vent. Accept that they might not be ready to help themselves, so just be a good listener. Of course, if it starts affecting your own life negatively, feel confident enough to walk away.
14. “Do you want to know what I’d do?”
If you’ve been in the same situation that the person is stuck in, it can be helpful to offer advice. However, don’t do this in a controlling way by jumping in and telling them what to do because can be rude. Instead, ask them if you can share your experience and what you did when you were in the same situation.
15. “What are you good at?”
When the person expresses feelings of hopelessness, such as, “I’m such a failure!” it can be difficult to know how to deal with it. One of the best tactics is to ask a question such as, “What are you good at?” to help them count their blessings and see their worth.
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