15 Reasons Cats Are Better Than Boyfriends

I’ll admit, I’m one of the few, the proud, the real-life crazy cat ladies who actually is in a relationship. Cats are my bag, really. Like, I’ve loved them for as long as I can remember, and ultimately, my cats are the coolest friends I have. They’re cute, they’re furry, and when I compared them to my exes, I realized they are better life partners than most men I’ve dated. Here’s why.

  1. Cats are friggin’ adorable 24/7. When they’re sleeping, they’re little balls of fluffy love. When they’re fighting, they’re fluffy little squabble-babies. When they’re eating, they’re adorable as Nom Nom from We Bare Bears. Even the hottest guy is not cute that frequently, and if you don’t believe me, try to find his super-loud snores as cute as Fluffy’s purring snores.
  2. You’ll never hear a cat bitch about your cooking. The cat won’t care whether or not the food is “authentic” or “cooked right.” I’ve personally seen my cats eat paper. If it’ll eat paper, it’s not gonna judge you on your cooking.-
  3. They take up less bed space, but offer all of the cuddling capabilities. Cats are awesome at cuddling up next to people they love, and they are furry, which automatically makes kitty cuddles very satisfying and warm. Unlike guys, who can take up too much space in your bed, cats are compact. Therefore, you get superior cuddles and more space to stretch out on your bed.
  4. A cat will never make you a League of Legends widow. I’ve known many women who basically lost their boyfriend to gaming. Cats won’t care about gaming, unless you’re talking about that fluffy mouse toy you bought them.
  5. Cats don’t act mysterious about their intentions. You will know if a cat likes you or hates you. If it likes you, it will ignore you and occasionally cuddle with you. If it hates you, it will turn you into confetti. Now, if only guys could be that easy to read
  6. They cost less than a boyfriend. Ever had a deadbeat boyfriend? Yeah, the cat costs less to keep happy, and it also won’t try to borrow your car constantly…
  7. Cats won’t insult you or intentionally make you feel bad. If you’ve ever had a total scumbag boyfriend who made it his life goal to hurt you, then you already can understand the benefits to a cat. The cat doesn’t insult you. The cat will not make you feel like crap intentionally, aside from those times when you refuse to give them catnip.
  8. Cats aren’t judgmental. I personally don’t want to deal with people who judge me based on my looks, or whether I am the type of girl they want to bring home to mom. At least, I don’t want to deal with being put up to a number of standards that I don’t find fair. With cats, judgment isn’t something they do. If you don’t wear a bra, they aren’t going to call you a skank. If you don’t wear Prada, they’re not going to call you broke. If you have five one night stands in a week, they aren’t going to call you promiscuous. Cats are cool like that.
  9. To this day, I’ve never heard of a boyfriend being an omen of good luck. On the other hand, many cultures consider owning a black cat a way to instill good luck in a household.
  10. Cats have been statistically shown to lower heart problems. True story, owning a cat reduces the risk of a heart attack and stroke by 1/3. Unless your boyfriend is a cardiologist, I’m pretty sure he can’t do that.
  11. Cats commit to you early on into a relationship. When a cat shows up at your doorstep, the cat adopted you. Cats generally are loyal to their owners, too.  There’s no cajoling, or begging for a commitment with a cat. Meanwhile, with guys, there are plenty of theories suggesting that monogamy is dead.
  12. You don’t have to worry about cats not listening to you.  With guys, you sometimes have to make a scene just so they’ll listen to you. Sometimes, it doesn’t even work then. Cats… well, they kinda listen. It’s hard to tell. But, at least you don’t get that same look of “I couldn’t care less” that a guy gives.
  13. You need not worry about them talking about you behind your back, either. Speaking as someone who has been called a crazy ex by crazier exes, hearing gossip post-breakup is not cool Since they don’t speak human, it’s not like cats can tell anyone your secrets or call you a crazy bitch, either.
  14. Unless you’re hallucinating, you’re never gonna hear your cat beg you to change the channels. Guys, on the other hand, will usually roll on the floor and beg for mercy when you marathon-watch Jersey Shore.
  15. Cats come with absolutely zero baggage. Worried about having to deal with a mama’s boy, or a guy who might turn into a serial cheater? You’re not alone. However, with a cat, you don’t ever have to hear them talk about how their ex screwed them over, why they may need a restraining order on a family member, or why they cry themselves to sleep at night. Cats are generally just drama-free.
Ossiana Tepfenhart works as an editor to FunNewJersey's magazine, and has been working with a massive series of lifestyle sites including Woman Around Town and Guff.com