Some red flags like yelling, manipulation, punching holes in walls, and controlling behaviors are so glaring that you have to try very hard not to see them. However, there are plenty of problematic behaviors that fly under the radar and are easy to miss until it’s too late. Here are some to watch out for in your partner so you can address them early or walk away before they turn into something uglier.
1. They’ll go to any lengths to get your attention.
It’s natural to want attention and affection from your partner. However, extreme attention-seeking behaviors can be a red flag. If your partner regularly oversteps or entirely ignores your boundaries, has sudden mood swings, demands constant validation, or creates unnecessary drama to become the center of attention, it might be seriously problematic.
2. They’re always pointing the finger.
Does your partner have a difficult time apologizing and taking responsibility for their mistakes or actions? Or maybe they can never apologize without somehow making the situation partly your fault? Do they often blame other people for everything that happens to them? Are they always the victim in every story? These signs may point to a personality disorder or a lack of emotional intelligence and maturity — or both!
3. They show a pattern of unkindness to other people.
How your partner treats strangers, service workers, family members or friends, and people they once had a relationship with says a lot about who they are. If they can’t show kindness and respect in their interactions with other people, eventually, you’ll be on the receiving end of that bad behavior. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking you’re special because they’re nice to you while being mean to everyone else. Start plotting your exit.
4. They belittle your interests.
Your partner doesn’t have to like everything you do or care about every cause you’re invested in. It’s okay if they don’t understand why you like collecting vintage postcards, watching Korean films, or talking about all the different kinds of flowers in existence. However, they should be able to hold space for you to share your interests or watch you live out your passions without making you feel silly, immature, or foolish for liking the things you like.
5. They never pay attention to the things you say.
Maybe your partner doesn’t remember your birthday even though you’ve been together a long time or you reminded them over and over. Do they forget the little and big details about your life that you talk to them about? Do they have a habit of splitting their attention between their phone or a game when you’re having a conversation with them? These are subtle red flags that might mean that they’re too self-absorbed or they don’t care about you.
6. They only have mean things to say about their exes.
Truly terrible exes exist, and relationships can sometimes end so turbulently that they leave a wake of chaos and trauma that you can’t wrap your head around many years later. Still, we can look back and remember some good times and the qualities that made us fall in love with that person initially. If your partner is always badmouthing their ex every chance they get, there’s probably a nasty streak within them. If you stick around, there’s a high chance you’ll join the league of wicked and crazy exes soon enough.
7. They constantly take jabs at you.
When you get involved in someone’s life as closely and intimately as in romantic relationships, you’re bound to learn some silly or slightly embarrassing details about them. You will even come to learn some of their insecurities and use some of this information to tease them. The teasing stops being endearing when your partner gets into the habit of putting you down or making you the subject of most of their jokes. If your partner’s remarks or jokes about you are making you feel bad about yourself, talk to them about it and reevaluate the relationship if the cycle continues.
8. Your loved ones don’t like being around them.
When family and friends don’t seem to get along with your partner or are reluctant to spend time with them and get to know them better, that should set warning bells off in your head. It can be easy to sweep this under the carpet, but don’t. Ask your friends and family members what the issue is and listen openly to what they have to say. It may just be that they don’t like the way your partner talks about certain topics. Or it could be because they notice the little ways that your partner mistreats you. Finding out the issue early may save you a lot of heartache down the road.
9. They throw a tantrum whenever you do things without them.
When you’re in that early honeymoon stage, it’s normal to want to spend all your spare time together. It may even feel like you can’t bear to be apart, so you might get a little crazy when the other person has to go do something else. Normally, these feelings should be less exaggerated as time goes by, and the relationship becomes more secure. If you’ve been going out for a while and your partner still sulks, gets mad, or tries to guilt-trip you when you take some time to text them back or hang out with other people, that’s not okay.
10. They don’t respect your privacy.
While there’s room for transparency in relationships, you’re still entitled to your privacy in real life or online. As long as you’ve not done anything to breach their trust, your partner should be able to count on you to be faithful without requiring proof. Doing things like reading your journal, demanding the password to your phone, or going behind your back to read your messages, are signs that they don’t recognize your individuality and may be possessively or insecurely attached to you.
11. They cross your boundaries, even in teasing ways.
When you tell your partner not to use certain words when speaking to you, they should listen. When you tell them you need some space or that you’re not in the mood to have sex, they should understand and retreat for the moment. It’s a red flag if they ignore you and keep doing what they’re doing. A partner who keeps testing your boundaries with the little things will likely have a hard time respecting you and not crossing the bigger ones.
12. You constantly second-guess yourself around them.
Maybe your partner has a habit of questioning your every step or speaking over you, so you now find yourself obsessing or rethinking everything you do and say. There may not even be anything sinister happening on your partner’s end, but something about them just activates your stress response. You’re just always nervous and unsure around them. Either way, that’s something you should look into and discuss with people you trust, like your friends or therapist.
13. They can’t disagree peacefully.
They always have to be right, no matter the issue or situation. Even if your argument makes sense, they will twist it around or pretend it’s you who doesn’t understand their point so that they get the last word. If you disagree with them, they will get angry, resort to calling you names, or just act out. If ignored, these behaviors can easily escalate and choke the life out of your relationship.
14. They never want to talk about the tough stuff.
I get it, talking about your feelings and hopes for the relationship can feel awkward and embarrassing. However, challenging conversations are necessary for the growth of a relationship. It’s important to know your partner’s plans for the future and address the issues behind that disagreement you had last week that you still haven’t gotten over. If your partner refuses to engage you meaningfully when you bring up serious conversations, it probably means they’re not in it for the long haul.
15. They never take the initiative.
It’s always you planning dates and bringing romantic energy into the relationship. If you don’t initiate serious conversations or try to move the relationship forward, they won’t. They’re always content to be the ones to receive over and over without thinking about reciprocating. This selfishness is not a good quality to have in a partner, and it only breeds resentment.
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