17 Signs He’s An Insecure Guy And How To Deal

A lot of men would make great partners if it wasn’t for the fact that they’re ridiculously insecure, which can be a major dealbreaker. Sure, we all have things we’re less confident about, but if his self-doubt is so strong that it overpowers your relationship, that’s a major problem. If you’re dating an insecure guy who’s exhibiting any of these warning signs, it may be best to just stay friends.

  1. He has to have his friends deal with girls for him. If he relies on friends to communicate that he really likes you, to try to set up dates for him, or to reject advances, he’s not a man — he’s a scared little boy trapped in a man’s body. If he’s too insecure to deal with even the most basic of dating skills, good luck trying to get him to address more serious problems.
  2. He (seriously) asks you why you like him on a regular basis. A normal guy doesn’t doubt when a girl likes him. A normal guy, even if he’s ugly as sin, won’t assume that a woman is lying about her interest in him. If he’s insecure to that point, he won’t be able to believe much of anything you tell him.
  3. He talks about the size of his penis… a lot. Look, all men get insecure about their junk — I’ve even known men who were the size of a person’s forearm who asked if it was big — but if that’s literally all he talks about, he’s sexually insecure to the point that it won’t be enjoyable for you.
  4. He brags about his conquests regularly and boasts about how freaky “those girls” are. First off, that is GROSS behavior. Secondly, why would you want to sleep with a guy who would say that kind of stuff? Thirdly, he’s probably lying. He obviously wants you to think he’s some in-demand Lothario and thinks that’s the way to do it. Little does he realize, it’s probably having the opposite effect.
  5. He asks you to write long-ass messages about how much you love him. Essays are not a good sign. Obviously, you should tell him that you care and show him as well. However, you shouldn’t have to become Ernest Hemmingway and pen novel-length messages about how the sun shines out of his butthole.
  6. You get the distinct feeling that he’s overcompensating for somethingIt could be the massive truck. It could be the fact that he’s always showing off his career achievements It could be the fact that his muscles make him look like a tick about to pop. Somehow, you get the feeling that he’s really desperate for women to notice him.
  7. He can’t stand to be alone. Not a good sign. This indicates that he’s likely to have codependent relationships, and that’s not good for you either. He’s a grown man and should be comfortable with his own company. If he’s not, that’s something he needs to work on rather than trying to assuage his discomfort by being in a relationship.
  8. No matter what you do, you can’t get him to talk to you about anything. This is a sign of a man who’s too insecure to actually grow a pair and talk to women like a normal human being. Simply put, you can’t have a relationship with a guy who expects you to be psychic.
  9. He’s controlling. A man who’s too insecure to let his girlfriend have her own life that doesn’t include him is a man who you should never date. This is a key indicator that he’s going to be abusive.
  10. He’s unnaturally sunny. Be careful of a man who has too cheerful a disposition, because chances are that he’s hiding his insecurity behind jokes and a plastered-on grin. This can lead to problems with communication, and it can also lead to him behaving really unpredictably… which is never good if you want a stable relationship.
  11. You get the feeling that he has body issues or an eating disorder. It’s borderline impossible to have a normal sex life when you have body issues that are that bad. If sex always has to be done with a blindfold on, he refuses to eat anything around you, or he never wants to get naked, chances are that he’s got major body image issues. No amount of complimenting will make him feel better about it, and trust me, sex will suffer in quality and quantity.
  12. He has a need to be the “Alpha Male.” If his idea of a good time is making a girl scramble for his attention, wrecking her self-esteem, always having the last word, or doing what he can to just “be Alpha as hell,” he’s got insecurity issues. Unless you want to have a nervous breakdown because of this guy’s mind games, you’re better off running.
  13. Most girls would describe him as “creepy.” He doesn’t acknowledge boundaries. He says creepy things. He makes creepy jokes. He stares at girls. This kind of behavior is actually a very aggressive way of showing desperation. Don’t reward it. Walk away, and keep away from him.
  14. He regularly talks crap about anyone who’s doing better than him. If you see a man who constantly puts others down, you can always bet that he’s insecure about himself. If he has no problem tearing strangers down, what makes you think he won’t do it to you?
  15. He flashes cash and status… a lot. This is a sign that he thinks that’s all he has to offer. Yikes. Some women may be impressed by money, but when even he thinks there’s nothing else he has to offer, that’s a problem.
  16. If he finds out you’ve slept with more people than he has, he flips out. This also applies to men who freak out when they find out girls earn more than they do.  It’s 2022. Why does this still happen so frequently?
  17. He’s a sore loser. If he can’t handle rejection without a tantrum, he’s insecure. And, he’s desperate. And, he needs to work on himself before you even think that you should give him a chance.

How to help an insecure guy feel better

To be clear, it isn’t your responsibility to act as his mother or his therapist to solve his issues. However, there are some things you can do to help your insecure guy feel more confident and comfortable. Here’s what the experts say about how to cope.

  1. Make sure you’re taking care of yourself first. As sex, marriage, and family therapist Kat Van Kirk, Ph.D. points out, dealing with someone with these issues is taxing for the other partner. “Dating an insecure man can take up a lot of emotional energy,” she told Women’s Health. “You may find yourself constantly reassuring him that he is good enough to be with you or that he deserves the good things that come to him in life.”
  2. Try and figure out what’s causing his issues. Chances are, it might be down to something that happened in his childhood or is somehow tied to his family dynamics. Whatever the case, figuring out what triggered his insecurities is the first step to helping you understand them and his resulting behavior.
  3. Offer some positive reinforcement. Again, you shouldn’t have to tell him every five seconds that you love him and he’s the only man for you, but reminding him of these very simple things can go a long way towards helping to calm him down. “Reinforce as much as possible that you love and support him,” Van Kirk advises. “Many men who are insecure can’t rationally view themselves through their own eyes. So even though you know what a wonderful person he is, when he’s really down on himself, you often won’t be able to talk him out of it.”
  4. Don’t just tell him how you feel, show him. As the old saying goes, actions do speak louder than words, so you can help your guy feel less insecure by showing him how valuable he is in your life and in the world at large. As Van Kirk suggests: “Show him that you want to be seen with him. Introduce him to friends and work colleagues so there is no question that you want him part of your life. Don’t skimp on the physical affection; oftentimes, these men didn’t get a lot of affection growing up, and their self-worth really suffered.”
  5. If the guy can’t get his insecure ways under control, you may have to leave. At the end of the day, you can’t allow yourself to be dragged down by someone who refuses to help himself by addressing his issues. “His self-confidence issues may be a deal-breaker if they are negatively affecting your ability to function individually or as a couple in a healthy way,” Van Kirk admits. Suggest therapy, and if he refuses, it’s probably time to say goodbye.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a New Jersey based writer and editor with bylines in Mashed, Newsbreak, Good Men Project, YourTango, and many more. She’s also the author of a safe travel guide for LGBTQIA+ people available on Amazon.

She regularly writes on her popular Medium page and posts on TikTok and Instagram @ossianamakescontent.