Love is exhausting, and so is the search for it. We try again and again to put ourselves out there, and repeatedly find ourselves running from yet another jerk — or being ghosted by one. The more we endure this exhausting ritual, the closer we get to throwing in the towel and just giving up completely. Our frustration can sometimes manifest itself in “code phrases.” If you’ve ever uttered of these phrases or a variation of them you’ve probably at least partially given up on finding love, although deep down you still wants the real thing.
- “I’m focusing on my career right now.” Focusing on your career is a good thing, but most people want both a solid career and a happy love life. When someone says they’re just focusing on their career, it means that they feel defeated in the love arena and are in the process of giving up entirely. You’re probably deflecting the attention to your career because it’s an aspect of your life that’s both more positive at the moment and more controllable.
- “All I need is myself (and my cat or dog).” Being independent is wonderful, and we all know that pets are very supportive family members, but we also know that they can’t possibly meet all of our needs forever. Emphasizing self-sufficiency or the love of a pet is just another means of accentuating the positive and pretending the negative doesn’t exist. Even the most devoted pet owner likely wants a human companion, as well.
- “All guys are just a-holes/players.” It’s tempting to say this when your love life has been one disappointment after another for as long as you can remember, but you know it’s not true. You see your friends finding great partners and getting married, so you’re fully aware that not every guy in the world is an a-hole. You’re probably saying this as an excuse to stop trying when you’re too exhausted and feeling too defeated to try anymore.
- “If I’m meant to get married, God will make it happen.” For people who believe in God, it’s the answer to everything, especially things that require effort and patience. When it comes to finding love, people who are too exhausted to try anymore often throw that responsibility onto their deity of choice. If this is your go-to defense for singledom, it likely means you’re sick of putting in the effort and you want the love of your life to just magically appear on your doorstep with a ring (don’t we all?). It’s a nice dream, but entirely unrealistic.
- “I’m leaving it up to fate/The Universe.” This one is similar to leaving it on God’s shoulders, but more commonly used by people who aren’t religious or don’t have faith in a deity to improve their life. Since fate/The Universe is far more broad and unknown than a particular deity, this excuse is more like a great big, “Screw it, I’m out. Whatever happens, happens.”
- “I just don’t have time to date right now.” Anyone can tell you that “I don’t have time” is an excuse not to do something 95% of the time. Almost everyone has time to do something they WANT to do. Someone who says they don’t have time to date is actually saying (without saying) that they don’t want to date right now, and the reason they don’t want to is because it’s scary to keep putting yourself out there.
- “I haven’t accomplished enough of my life goals to settle down yet.” Love is a prize, but it’s not comparable to a Pulitzer. You don’t have to rack up a certain number of achievements in order to earn it. If you’re thinking you have to earn that big promotion, save up a certain amount of money, or buy a yacht before settling down with a life partner, you’re just making excuses to avoid being vulnerable because it’s uncomfortable.
- “My life is too complicated to bring someone else into it right now.” The right person won’t love you in spite of your complications, they’ll love you as a whole and that includes your complications. We all know that deep down. So when you claim that your life is too complicated to allow anyone else in, what you’re really saying is that you’re not comfortable letting anyone in because so many people have told you that you’re not perfect enough to be deserving of love. You know that’s BS, and you should stop believing it.
The most important thing to remember about love is that, like anything worth having, it doesn’t come easily and it does require time, effort, and patience. That’s why it’s so worth it when we finally do find it. Hang in there.
