Is He Bad In Bed? 9 Ways To Improve His Technique Without Destroying His Ego

Honesty is generally the best policy in relationships, but no one wants to tell their partner that they’re bad in bed. Many men tie their self-worth to their sexual prowess, so if he’s just not doing it for you, you don’t really want to destroy him by admitting that.However, all is not lost — there are some things you can do to improve your time in bed without actually telling him that’s what you’re trying to do.

  1. Suggest trying something new. It’s probably not something new to you. In fact, it’s something you know works really well to get you off, but it’s new to this relationship. By saying its a “new” thing, you avoid hinting that you’re unsatisfied in bed and instead it seems like you’re open to experimentation. You can be as direct with instructions as you want without worrying that you’ll bruise his ego since the “newness” excuses his lack of knowledge about whatever it is you’re trying.
  2. Use positive reinforcement. By telling him what he’s doing right, you maintain his confidence and you get better results. If you’re having trouble with phrasing (or you’re not big on talking during sex) when he’s doing something you’re not all that into, use your hands to direct him to where you want him and then lavish some praise his way. Gentle encouragement on tempo, like pressing on his head or hand in the rhythm you want him to use, also gets great results and can feel pretty sexy to him too.
  3. NEVER fake an orgasm. It might boost his confidence in the short-term, but it’s setting you both up for failure in the long-term. Orgasms are the ultimate sign to your partner that they did a good job. He’ll think that whatever he did that time really worked and he’ll try to do it again. Problem is, it won’t actually work and he’ll be confused about what it is that you want. When you see him lose confidence, you’ll feel guilty and will want to fake it again to make him happy. This might start a spiral where you fake orgasms more and more and his performance will only get worse.
  4. Talk about it during or directly after sex. If you talk about it when you’re not actively having sex, you put him in an odd position. He’ll agree to do as you ask, but he may not remember your specific instructions when it comes time to put them into action. If you tell him during sex, he’ll do it that second, which will give you the chance to follow up on your instructions with corrections and thanks. Plus, talking about sex outside of sex could give him the hint that something is majorly wrong. It’s best to keep it in the bedroom.
  5. Use mutual pleasure positions. If you want him to use his hands more, suggest that you both use manual stimulation at the same time. You could even ask him to please himself while you get yourself started. Be sure to mention that you think it’s hot to watch him, not that he’s bad with his hands. Similarly, if you want him to use his mouth more, suggest a 69 session. It’s easier to make demands on your partner when you’re giving him pleasure too. Plus, these positions work really well with the next technique.
  6. Ask what he wants too. If you’re having trouble communicating during sex, it could help you to bring up his wants first. If you ask him if he wants something special or if he’s enjoying what’s happening, he’s liable to ask you the same question out of courtesy after. These kinds of questions function like a prompt, reminding him to check in with you. Plus, you may feel less self-conscious about explaining what you want after he’s directly asked you for feedback.
  7. Ask him to focus on just you. If you’re unsatisfied because he’s finishing well before you do, it can help to give him a break from pleasure in the middle of sex by asking him to focus on just you with his mouth or hands. Some men who know that waiting for you isn’t their strong suit will be relieved that you suggested this, as they don’t want to disappoint you by putting a stop to penetration if that’s what you want. It also might seem weird from his perspective to ask you to stop pleasuring him,
  8. If it just doesn’t work, you can leave him. Even though it seems harsh, it’s okay to dump him over bad sex. Understand that you’re not leaving him because he’s bad in bed, you’re leaving him because you’re not sexually compatible. That’s another reason you should never tell a guy he’s “bad in bed” — because it’s not true for everyone! He’s probably just been with someone who likes it differently than you do. It sucks that he can’t adjust, but if you leave him, he’ll find someone he’s able to please.
Ellysa won't shy away from the hard truths about modern relationships. She will shy away from commitment-phobes, red roses and toe socks.