When someone hurts you, it can be tough to get over the pain and move on even in the face of a genuine apology. However, being able to let bygones be bygones is really important if you want to live a calm, peaceful life. If you’re guilty of any of the following behaviors, you may need to be a bit more forgiving.
1. You blow up at people over little things.
If you’re holding onto something bad that someone’s done to you and you can’t let it go, you might be snappy or short with people, especially the original offender. This can make them constantly feel like you’re mad at them or they’re not meeting your standards. It creates a hostile environment, whether in your social circle or at work.
2. You remind people of things they’ve done wrong.
If you think your friend flirted with your ex or your co-worker stole your idea during a work meeting, you might “jokingly” mention it time and time again. You do this to remind people who’ve hurt you that you’re not over it, but it just makes you come across as bitter and unforgiving.
3. You annoy everyone because you won’t shut up about the person who wronged you.
If your friends give each other looks whenever you mention the person who wronged you, that’s a sign you could be a tad obsessed. You’re holding onto the hurt as a way to feel in control of the situation, but the most powerful thing to do is let it go. Try to focus on what’s great about your life and fill spaces left behind from this resentment with whatever makes you genuinely happy. You deserve it. (And hey, if the person you’re struggling to forgive is a former partner, check out our sister site, Sweetn. They have some great advice on leaving toxic exes behind and changing your love life for the better. You can visit them here.)
4. You never see what you did.
In some cases, you might have been partially responsible for what happened. Maybe your friend laughed at you because you started nitpicking her or your ex was giving you the silent treatment because shouting at them during a fight threw them off. Whatever the case, it’s possible you were also in the wrong. If you don’t see that, you end up putting all the blame on the other person and it’s not fair.
5. You keep a list of all the bad things people have done.
Do you keep a list, whether physical or mental, of things people have done to hurt you? You tell yourself that it’s your way of letting things go, but instead, it’s just helping you hang onto the past. The best way to let go of things that have happened is to put them out of both sight and mind.
6. You relive the experience over and over again.
While the other person’s probably living their life and they’ve forgotten about what happened, you’re replacing it in your head over and over again. You think about it when you’re alone and tell anyone who will listen exactly how you were screwed over. While you might think holding onto the experience is what gives you power over the person, you’re actually giving them your power and allowing them to hurt you again.
7. Â You’re always gossiping about your offender.
Maybe you enjoy having a good gossip session about what the person did to you. After a few drinks with your friends, you talk about your toxic ex and how they mistreated you, or you talk about your so-called friend who stole your partner. You might even stalk the offender online and gossip about their current life. This is a lot of energy being spent on someone who doesn’t matter to you.
8. You hold grudges.
If you refuse to forgive someone for causing you pain, you’re holding onto a grudge. This prevents you from finding peace after what happened to you. If you find yourself in a situation of having to deal with the person again, whether in your career or social circle, it can cause you to fight with them or treat them badly, which then makes you the bad guy in the situation. It’s not worth the drama.
9. You put people down.
If you’re unforgiving, you don’t want to see the goodness in people who have hurt you. This is kinda unrealistic because it means that you’re painting people as either good or bad, without any grey areas. If you’re always belittling people, either to their face or behind their back, it’s just giving you a bad reputation.
10. You have a lot of dark revenge fantasies.
When you’re in the shower or blow-drying your hair, do you imagine dark fantasies of dealing with this person again and finally getting your revenge? While these fantasies can feel empowering and help you process trauma, they can also be a waste of energy and make you anxious when you don’t need to be because you’re reliving the experience.
11. You avoid being around them.
If you’re still upset over what someone did to you in the past, you might avoid being around them. While this is a good move if you’re dealing with an abuser, it’s not something you want to do with people who’ve hurt you in non-serious ways. You have to dodge them and you’re filled with anxiety every time you see them in public. It’s encroaching on your happiness, and that’s a problem.
12. Â You love hearing about their struggles.
You’re minding your own business when a mutual friend tells you that your frenemy lost their job or got dumped on the day of their wedding. It gives you a boost of happiness, but that’s not necessarily a good thing. You don’t want to be the type of person who’s unforgiving and comes across as evil because you’re hoping that people who’ve hurt you will suffer. That’s just gonna give you bad karma.
13. You keep waiting for them to say they’re sorry.
Are you still holding out on the person coming to apologize to you? Do you tell your friends you’ll let it go when they say sorry? You might be waiting forever, and honestly, why? You don’t need them to give you closure — you can give yourself closure on the issue. Write a letter to the person and tell them everything you need or would love to say to them, then burn it. While writing the letter, you’ll get to process so many feelings that are ready to be released so they don’t haunt you.
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