My Boyfriend & I Discovered Primal Sex And It’s Transformed Our Relationship

Looking for something to spice up your sex life? My partner and I managed to stumble onto something that unexpectedly drives us nuts in bed. It’s called primal sex and it might just be what you’re looking for.

What is primal sex?

Primal sex, which is often enjoyed by those with a primal fetish or a primal kink, is all about embracing a raw, animalistic approach to sex. Our primal instincts have been tied to survival throughout history and were an evolutionary mechanism we used to feed ourselves, ward off predators, and just keep going. Translated into mating practices, primal sex tends to be rough, aggressive, and somewhat wild. It’s also really, really hot to some people.

When you’re having raw, animalistic sex, you may enjoy hitting, scratching, or biting. You’ll likely take a rougher approach that feels more like two animals f**king than a human couple making love. It also gives people a chance to really go at it without inhibitions. You don’t have to worry about making weird noises — they’re encouraged! You’re engaging with your erotic energy and exploring it freely, which is a big plus in primal play. It might also incorporate elements of BDSM, though that’s not always the case. However primal sex plays out, it always centers on enthusiastic consent from both participants.

The connection between primal sex and tantra

Primal sex and tantra are related in many ways, but they’re not the same thing. Whereas animalistic sex is all about instinct and physical sensation, tantra focuses more on mindfulness and connection between partners. Couples who practice tantric sex find the process meditative, sometimes literally, and use it as a way to develop a broader consciousness around physical intimacy.

That being said, primal sex and tantra go well together. You can embrace a wild, erotic energy in the bedroom that’s free of inhibitions while also being mindful of your partner and focusing your full attention on expanding your sexual horizons. Both practices also require vulnerability and trust, as well as respect for one another’s needs, desires, and boundaries. As long as those things are in place, it can be a really intense sexual experience.

How tapping into our erotic energy and having animalistic sex changed my relationship for the better

  1. We discovered it entirely by accident. My boyfriend and I were attending a sex party that just so happened to have a play-fighting ring set up in one corner. That night, we didn’t feel much like having sex and instead spent most of the evening wrestling each other in our underwear. Somehow, the mix of scantily-clad bodies and intense physical contact carried with it an unexpected erotic charge that straddled the line between violence and sexuality. It was an exciting and unusual experience and we weren’t quite sure how to express that energy.
  2. Once we got home, things really heated up. It wasn’t until a few days later that the pent-up energy of our play-fighting found its outlet. We began by wrestling again, this time on my bed, and soon we were tearing each other’s clothes off and throwing sex into the mix. Throughout the whole experience, we kept wrestling each other, making for an intense and heated session that neither of us had quite expected.
  3. It was like letting go and turning into an animal. We didn’t talk during the entire thing. Instead, we began to growl and snarl at each other like animals. I felt like a lioness being stalked by her lion, half fighting, half going at it. I’d never played with that animalistic side of me and I was surprised to find how naturally it came—biting, scratching, growling, kicking, writhing. It was as though I’d reverted back to my most basic instincts.
  4. Afterward, we tried to figure out what just happened. In the aftermath, as we regained our senses, we were both taken aback by what had just happened. Neither of us had ever experienced anything like it before and coming out of it was like waking up from a dream. The fact that it had developed so organically was the most surprising part. We hadn’t talked about it at all; instead, it had just developed out of some deeply hidden animalistic desire in both of us. We’d spurred each other on into an orgiastic frenzy. Not a bad way to spend an afternoon.
  5. My boyfriend came across the term “primal” and we immediately knew that’s what it was. At that time, my boyfriend was reading a book on BDSM and came across a chapter describing “primal play.” As soon as he read it, he knew it described perfectly what we’d experienced. The chapter described a space of letting go entirely and giving rise to raw urges, impulses, and emotions. While primal play isn’t always rough, it certainly carries that possibility and often centers around a predator/prey dynamic. This was exactly the dynamic we’d accidentally discovered and it felt good to know there was a term for it. It helped us better understand what we’d just experienced.
  6. We kept experimenting with it and discovered how much we liked it. Over the next few months, primal sex became a staple of our repertoire and each time, we grew more and more comfortable with it. We discovered different dynamics within it, going deeper into our experiences with this new type of play. We learned to truly trust one another, what worked and what didn’t, and most of all, we allowed ourselves to sink deeper into the experience every time.
  7. There’s no thinking involved, just instinct. One of the most incredible things about primal play is the ability to let go entirely. Sex can sometimes carry with it a lot of superfluous thoughts. For me, the best sex has always been that in which I feel completely unrestricted, and primal play was the perfect space within which to experience this. In that dynamic, I had no thought at all—I allowed my animal instincts to take over my body and pull me in whatever direction they chose.
  8. I’ve always wanted to play-fight with a partner and this was taking it to the next level. One of my long-standing fantasies has been to play fight with a man. I love the idea of putting my strength to the test, and while I’m almost certain I’d lose every time, I still enjoy the thought of exerting my energy in a wrestling match with a lover. Primal play took that fantasy to its furthest point, allowing me to test my strength in a highly erotic setting. The result was pure bliss.
  9. There’s a fine line between pleasure and pain. With all the scratching, biting, and wrestling going on, I discovered how close pleasure and pain can be. Feeling the mix of adrenaline and sexual hormones rushing through my body, any pain I felt was mixed in deeply with my pleasure, creating a strange mix of sensations. I don’t consider myself in the least bit sadistic, but I also found a strange pleasure in “attacking” my partner. Again, it was a case of giving myself over to the animal in me.
  10. It’s become a favorite for us. Since those first moments of discovery, my partner and I have included primal sex in our list of favorite sexual drawcards. It’s given us an outlet for those bestial sides of ourselves that might not otherwise see the light of day. In the midst of primal play, I feel completely in the moment, open and uninhibited. That makes for some of the best sex I’ve ever had.
is an open-hearted fellow human, lover of vulnerability, workshop facilitator and blogger, and perpetual student of the universe. She blogs over at about the beautiful experience that is being human. Through her writings, she takes great pleasure in delving into conscious community, sexuality, communication, and relationships, and loves to help others to do the same. You can find her on instagram as @jazz_meyer or