My Boyfriend Needs A Lot Of Alone Time & It Messes With My Head

I’m an independent woman, but my desire to be alone pales in comparison to my boyfriend’s. He’s a great guy, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes, he needs so much “me time” that I wonder if he even likes me at all. It’s been an adjustment, but I think we’re finally on the right track to meeting in the middle when it comes to the time we spend together.

I’ve questioned my judgment. The beginning of a relationship is great. You see each other a couple times a week, and he plans everything and shows interest all the time. Then as soon as things get serious, all of those things start to dwindle. If you’re like me, you might question what was going on and wonder if it’s too early to state how this makes you feel. I consistently asked myself if he was simply over hanging out with me, because this is the point where some men usually start to pull away. As an independent woman, this was uncharted territory for me.

He doesn’t realize how much I love to spend time with him. Co-dependency is not my thing. I enjoy a “Netflix and chill” kind of night alone. But there are also times that I want to just “Netflix and chill” with him. Quality time can be scarce, and sometimes all I want to do is be in his space. I love the time we spend together and the way I feel when we’re together. I’m not co-dependent by any means — I just want to be with my best friend/boyfriend when I can. That notion completely escapes him sometimes.

I’m always the one who has to make plans. I love my partner to death, but sometimes it takes him a minute to figure things out. Here I am excited at the thought of making plans other than hanging out on the couch while he’s just blissfully unaware that I want him to take the initiative. I make the mistake of assuming that he knows what’s wrong or what I want. In the past, assuming worked for me — eventually, my past significant others figured it out. But with my current boyfriend, I have to state the obvious and tell him when I need him to step up and make plans for us.

I’m sensitive and I’m not going to apologize for it. A relationship is a two-way street and being able to communicate my feelings doesn’t make me mushy or overly sensitive. It makes me human, and it should prove to him how much I care about him and our relationship. Some people might think that getting upset over how much he wants me around is ridiculous, but I’m not going to chide myself for sticking up for what I want in a relationship.

I want “me time”, but I don’t want space. It may sound like they are one and the same, but they totally aren’t. I am all for wanting time for yourself to take a second to refuel and readjust without any distractions. However, time is temporary. Space is a different story. When someone says they need space from you, they want distance that you may not recover from. My partner has never wanted space from me, but he often wants so much time for himself that I wonder if it’s only a matter of time before he DOES request “space.”

I hate feeling like the uncool girl.  I used to secretly battle myself with what I should say to him regarding our time apart and what I felt comfortable with. In retrospect, I was subconsciously worried about no longer being the “cool girl” — the one who didn’t notice he hadn’t called and was okay with it. I eventually accepted that I had to be real with him about how I felt when it came to the time we spent apart, but it wasn’t easy… and to be honest, it still isn’t.

I’m not needy for wanting more time with him. In the past, I never had to ask to spend time with my significant other. I thought it was normal to want to spend time with your boyfriend and not have to ask for it. These days, it’s a completely different story. I kind of feel guilty about having to ask him to spend time with me. I know that I’m not clingy or desperate, but being the only person to make plans can make me feel that way.

I refuse to live in fear. It all came down to speaking my mind, and it was scary. I was so worried about telling him how I felt. I thought it would destroy what we had, that he’d push me away even more because I was “clingy” or “needy.” But instead, the opposite happened. he was receptive to my concerns, and even though things still aren’t perfect, I learned how important it was to speak up about things like this.

I accept what I need in a relationship. There are going to be guys that are completely unaware and unapologetic of the way they are when it comes to needing a lot of “alone time” even when they’re in a relationship. If they can find a girl who’s down with that, good for them. I need a bit more in my relationship, and even though it was scary to speak up about it at first, I’m never again going to keep my mouth shut when it comes to asking my boyfriend to actually make the effort to hang out with me.

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