Casual Sex Has Ruined Intimacy For Me & It Sucks

While I have always been a relationship girl, I quickly succumbed to hookup culture after my last breakup. It was fun for a while, but it soon left me feeling empty and without hope of experiencing true intimacy anytime soon.

Sex became meaningless and ungratifying. In my previous relationships, sex was tied to love and genuine care for each other. However, when I hooked up with guys, the only feeling present was lust, which for a while was such a thrill. After enough casual encounters, the heat of the moment had lost its spark. I started to enjoy sex less because I didn’t have a connection with my partner.

I stopped being phased by guys seeing me naked. Sharing your naked body with another person should be a beautiful, intimate experience. However, after hooking up for a while, a guy could have me stripped down within minutes of meeting me and I wouldn’t even blink an eye. All sense of intimacy shattered in a fury to get into bed as quickly as possible. I learned to feel indifferent about having a stranger’s eyes and hands all over my body. Casual sex eventually soured the sweetness of opening up to someone and being completely vulnerable with them.

It just made me feel really cheap. I ended up feeling as though I had no worth. The guys I hooked up with couldn’t care less if I was smart or funny or even interesting. Even the few that would entertain a conversation with me seemed to be waiting to “get to the point.” I started to feel used and unappreciated, and I lost a sense of self-respect for myself by sleeping with guys who just didn’t care enough (or at all).

Sex became an out-of-body experience. After a while, I began to feel detached from my body during sex. Not the best feeling when you should be in your body, enjoying the experience. It was as if I was just going through the motions, or like I was watching from another room just waiting for it to be over. If I wasn’t present in the moment, then why was I even doing it?

I wasn’t feeling sexually satisfied anymore. The first few times a guy didn’t take the time to focus on me and my needs, I brushed it aside knowing I’d be hooking up again another time. I grew exceedingly disappointed when I allowed guys to get away without completely satisfying me. Sexual pleasure was the reason I started hooking up, and I wasn’t even getting what I came for anymore.

I’m afraid a guy will expect sex right away and I might give in. There were times when I’d go out with a guy and not plan on having sex, only to loosen up enough by end of the evening to say, “Why not?” Having had that kind of mindset in the past, I worry that if a guy pushes me to sleep with him after the first or second date, I might feel inclined or obligated to, and I’ll continue to distance myself from the genuine intimacy I now desire.

I still feel like men only want me for sex. When hooking up, sex is the priority. Now that I’m starting to date again, it’s hard to stop believing that’s all a guy wants. I’m afraid I won’t be able to take a guy seriously or believe his genuine interest in me. If I assume a guy just wants to have sex, I won’t have any trust in him, which is necessary for any successful relationship.

I’m nervous about small, innocent touches. Through the course of a date, there’s likely a chance to make some sort of physical contact, but I’m terrified to do so. I recently brushed my date’s arm walking together and I almost tripped over myself. I used to be so comfortable with touching someone I barely knew. Now I don’t even know what I’m comfortable with, and that leaves me feeling anxious.

I don’t know how quickly to move from one base to the next. If a first date goes well, should we kiss at the end? What if I don’t want to kiss? When is it acceptable to have sex for the first time? After the third date? After several months? While all relationships move at different paces, I’m not sure what pace is right for me. I’m afraid because of hooking up, I’ll be ready to move on to sex more quickly than is ideal for our relationship, potentially screwing things up.

I’m worried it won’t feel special when I have sex with someone I love. When I find someone I really love and I’m committed to, I want sex to be special and amazing for us. I want it to feel like they are the only person I’ve ever been with. I never believed in waiting until marriage for sex, but I can’t help but fear that my less than satisfying experiences with casual sex will haunt me in the bedroom. I want sex to feel special and intimate with my partner and not be affected by my past sex life.

I’m afraid it will ruin intimacy with future partners. Having had a relatively extensive run at casual sex, it’s a phase in my life which I would like to leave in the past. While I look forward to the future and being in a committed relationship, I fear my partner will be curious of my sexual history and I won’t want to share it. If my partner were to judge me in any way about my past sex life, it would be very humiliating and degrading. The things I did in the past stay there and have no place in my future relationships. I hope that my future partners will respect that and let us focus on the unique and special intimacy between us.

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