I had a high school crush who turned into a high school boyfriend and stayed with me into my college years. We were together for six years, but sadly, I wasn’t a good girlfriend for all of them. One summer, after he’d gone away to his military college for a few weeks, I had a one-night stand with a guy I worked with, and I’ve regretted it ever since. Here’s what I went through after that night:
- At first, I was in denial. The morning after I slept with someone else, I didn’t feel any guilt. I had been drinking the night the affair happened and was more concerned with curing the hangover than understanding the situation and the gravity of what I’d done.
- Then came the unbearable guilt. That day at work, I was fine, I was flirting with the guy I slept with and wasn’t regretting anything… until I had a moment alone. All of sudden, the guilt rushed over me and everything went white. I cheated on my boyfriend — the only person I had ever slept with, the person who loved me. How could I do that?
- I was over-the-top nice to him. That night, I called my aunt and confessed everything. I was a complete wreck. She told me that it was OK and a one-time mistake and that I just needed to better myself and appreciate him and love him better, so I began doing all of these over-the-top gestures for him to try to secretly reconcile for my infidelity.
- I tried to avoid confronting what I did. I moved back to college and threw myself into school work He was busy with school, and I MADE myself busy to try to not remind myself of what I did.
- I avoided my boyfriend constantly. He would call and I would put it to voicemail; he would want to come up for the weekend and I made up excuses. I couldn’t look at him. I felt as if the truth would be all over my face. The Catholic guilt was wearing on me more than I could take.
- I almost got caught, so I lied more. When he finally did come up for a weekend, I got a text from the guy I cheated with saying his college was playing mine this upcoming weekend and he was hoping I would go to the game. My boyfriend saw it, fipped out, and started asking a million questions. I lied, saying it was a group message to all of us who worked together. He said he believed me but I was on high alert to make sure nothing like that would happen again.
- I told my parents what I did. I know. It may seem silly, but I needed to tell them. They gave me the advice to try to move past it, and comforted me by saying that I was in college and mistakes happen. It got so bad that I would text my mother daily for a pep talk, which eventually started to wear her down.
- I went to counseling. After feeling terrible about exhausting my parents with my burden, I decided to seek help from my college’s counseling center. What a mistake that was. I was hoping for a person to talk to without judgement, but she was a hardcore Christian and only made my anxiety worse. After two sessions, I stopped going.
- I pushed my boyfriend away more. He could sense something was up and kept trying to bring us closer. I kept pushing him further and further away. I was hoping that if I pushed him away, he would end it and that I would hopefully not feel like such a bad person.
- I tried to break up with him. The night I tried to break up with him was awful. He got so upset and told me he was planning on proposing after graduation. He begged and pleaded and I gave in. I couldn’t bear to tell him what had happened.
- I tried to convince myself that I’m young and mistakes happen. It was the only comfort I could find. I was in college, it happened once, and I felt awful. The personal pep talk would work for a bit but eventually faded
- I had a mental breakdown at Christmas. During my family Christmas party, I looked over and saw him drinking beers with my family, laughing, having a great time, and totally oblivious to how terrible I was. I pulled my mom into the bathroom and cried for two hours.
- We eventually broke up. After a few more weeks, the breakup was inevitable. It wasn’t just about me. He deserved someone who would respect him and remain loyal. He took it hard and I did, too. He was my first love and letting him go was an ending of an era in my life.
- I never told him that I cheated. I felt that it would only relieve my guilt and hurt him more. He is now with a beautiful girl and they seem very happy (according to Facebook). Even though ending it with him was hard and he was a great guy, I knew it was the right thing to do, I didn’t love him anymore and it was time for both of us to move on.
