I Look Like A Teenage Boy & Other Confessions Of Being A Woman With Small Boobs

Every girl waits for the day she grows boobs and can rock some serious cleavage, but for some of us, that day never actually comes. We’ve tried everything — stuffing our bras, buying that expensive push-up, and even begging our doctors for birth control in hopes it will make them grow. Of course, none of it works; we’re stuck with what we’ve got. Eventually, we embrace the struggles that come with being a lifelong member of the itty bitty titty committee, but here are 15 things you’ll still relate to if you’re the owner of small boobs.

  1. You’re always waiting for them to grow. Once you get to high school, you’ll have boobs. Nope. Okay, university for sure. Nope. Birth control will do the trick. Nope again. Maybe you’re a late bloomer? Nope. Maybe if you gain some weight? Still nope.
  2. Everyone thinks you’re a lot younger than you are. Okay, so maybe your flat chest makes you look a little prepubescent, but you’d love to shop for a strapless bra without the saleswoman asking you if you’re looking for a bra to wear with your prom dress. you’re nearly 30.
  3. Low-cut tops and strapless shirts don’t exactly work. You’ve tried to seduce men with a low-cut shirt, to help you bypass a line, and even to feel sexier on a fat day. But apparently those work better with actual cleavage. And forget about that strapless shirt — it’s falling down before you make it to the door.
  4. You hate taking off your shirt. Sorry, dude, were you expecting boobs? Unfortunately, you’re not going to find them here.
  5. Guys playing with your boobs does NOTHING for you. Do guys think they’re going to grow if they tug on them? What exactly are they grabbing? He’d have more luck grabbing your love handles. Are you pinching me now? If he rubs your nipple any longer, it may fall off. You’ve already sacrificed my boobs, you’d like to at least keep the nipples, thanks!
  6. Sports bras make you look even flatter. Not only do they hold your boobs still, but they actually completely remove them. As if you don’t already hate the gym enough.
  7. The cup gap. Since you’re probably in between cup sizes, or don’t really have a cup size at all, no bra fits you properly. Nearly every bra you own has room for your boobs as well as half a hand. You can guarantee everyone is seeing half your tit when you lean forward. At least you can use it for extra storage. Who needs a purse?
  8. Lying down flat on your back is terrifying. Where did they go? You swear they were there a minute ago.
  9. Bikinis suck. Okay, so you weren’t blessed with full boobs, but you definitely got lucky in the booty department. You need the smallest triangles possible to hold your girls in, but when it comes to bottoms, you’re going to need a large. Every time you go bikini shopping, you pray that you can mix and match tops and bottoms. The regular sets with matching top and bottom sizes just aren’t going to cut it for you.
  10. Dating a boob man is out of the question. Sorry to disappoint you, babe, but you’re not going to find any boobs here.
  11. You can’t help but stare at other girls’ boobs. Is it jealousy? You’re not sure, but it’s definitely one of those ‘intrigued by the unknown’ kind of things.
  12. You’re trying to figure out how to reroute your weight gain. You’ve tried everything — deep fried, extra carbs, more protein — but the only thing growing is your ass, your hips, and your belly.
  13. You’re afraid to work out your chest. Because you can’t possibly afford to lose any bit of fat that may help contribute to your current bust size.
  14. You hate when your big-breasted friends say you’re lucky. Lucky?! That your chest looks like a little boy? That your belly sticks out further than your boobs? Oh, they mean lucky that you don’t have to wear a bra. Well, you still have nipples, so that’s not actually the case.
  15. High school girls have bigger boobs than you.Well, this is just embarrassing. Do they even know what to do with those? Seriously, what’s in the water these days?
Suzanne is a twenty something living in Toronto, Canada. When she doesn't have her professional pants on from 9-5, she is getting lost in a good book, a yoga class, or a tall glass of wine.
She has a severe case of the travel bug, a serious love affair with food and will never say no to puppy-sitting.