Why do I always feel like I’m speaking an entirely different language than the guys I meet? At this point, I’m pretty sure my dog understands me better than any guy ever has. It’s not necessarily their fault — there are some inherent differences between the sexes and we’ll always be on different pages about certain things, but women aren’t that complicated. I am, however, pretty sick of hearing these 9 things come out of dudes’ mouths:
- “Stop being so emotional.” I absolutely hate this! Don’t tell me to stop having feelings just because you suppress all of yours or pretend you don’t have any. When your football team loses and you sulk for a week, I don’t tell you to stop being so emotional. STFU.
- “You look great no matter what you wear.” As sweet as this is, it is a lie. I want to know if my skirt makes my ass look like cottage cheese or if my shirt makes my boobs look weird. I get you’re afraid to tell me something looks bad, but its for my own good, so please, don’t lie about this anymore.
- “Okay, Mom.” I am not your mother, but if I’m saying something that sounds like your mother, chances are you’re acting like a child and need to grow the hell up. Trust me, it’s equally as annoying for me to have to tell you not to leave your socks on the floor as it is for you to hear me tell you.
- “You don’t need to cry about it.” Maybe I do! When you have a vagina and ovaries and hormones that rage and surge like mine, then you can tell me not to cry about it. Testosterone makes you a horny douche and estrogen makes me weepy, okay?
- “You look fine — can we go?” I don’t feel like I look fine… and if I don’t feel like I look fine, then we’re not leaving. I know where we have to be and when, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to go right now when I feel like I look like crap. Just let me redo this cat eye one more time and then we can go. Maybe.
- “I can’t believe you ate all of that.” This is basically like telling me I’m a fat ass. Commenting on how much I’ve eaten is really just an all-around bad idea. Really, if I’ve eaten all of it, then it’s a giant compliment to the person who cooked it, not an opportunity for you to make me feel badly about myself. Geez.
- “You’re wearing that?” Almost as bad as telling me I look great in whatever I wear is looking at my outfit and asking me if I’m wearing it. Well, I have it on and we’re going somewhere, so logic would suggest I am in fact wearing this outfit. If you don’t like what I’m wearing, then you should try a more direct approach.
- “I don’t care.” Women get a bad rap all the time for being indecisive, but men are just as bad! It’s sneakier because instead of changing your minds, you just start out by saying you don’t care. Which, of course, is a big fat lie because if it ends up being something you don’t like, I have to hear ALL about it. Make up your mind!
- “There’s nothing to talk about.” Really? We just had a huge fight and there is nothing to talk about? You mean you don’t want to talk to me about it or at all right now. Why is it so hard to just be direct?