I Had To Create My Own Closure Because Nothing He Gave Me Was Enough

Breakups are tough as is, but not getting closure can make them even worse. The problem is that often, our exes are unwilling or unable to give it to us, and in my case, nothing my former boyfriend could have said or done would have been enough for me.

1. Another person can’t give me closure. I learned the hard way in past relationships that the other person I’ve just broken up with cannot give me closure. I mean, the definition of closure is “the act or process of closing something,” We closed the relationship together but the feelings still existed after that. This meant that I had work to do closing the relationship in my mind and heart all by myself.
2. We even met up again after we broke up. He ended up wanting to talk things out after we broke up to see if what we had was salvageable, so we met up and talked. This ended up not being helpful at all. You’d think that that’d help give me more closure, but like I said, it’s an inside job. The talk did help give me more information to work with but it didn’t necessarily hand me the closure I was looking for.
3. I still felt like things were unresolved. Even though we broke up then met up again, I had a feeling of things being unresolved in my gut. This wasn’t true; things were resolved between him and I. The case was closed, not to be opened again. Yet that feeling persisted. It wasn’t a reflection of where things stood between him and me, it was only a reflection that I had some internal work to do on closure.
4. Prayer and meditation was a huge part of creating closure. I know that prayer and meditation aren’t for everyone, but they were immensely helpful for me. Meditation helped root me to the ground, bringing me to the here and now and reminding me that I’m okay as I am. Prayer was also a useful tool that helped to connect me to something greater than myself. It reminded me that there may be a plan for my love life and that this isn’t the end.
5. Keeping my thoughts in the moment was helpful. After a breakup, my mind spins off in different directions. Mostly, it’s in either the past or the future. I’m usually ruminating on the past, all the things that did or didn’t happen, mistakes I made, and things I didn’t say. If I’m ruminating on the future, it’s about how bleak it looks without my ex and how I’m going to be alone forever. Instead of riding these crazy trains, though, I try to return to my breath. I ask myself where my feet are and if I’m okay at this very moment.
6. Looking at the truth of the matter helped. My thoughts can go to really dark places after a breakup, regardless of who did the breaking up. I’ll have thoughts that just aren’t true like I’m a bad person, my exes’ opinions dictate my worth, and I’ll never find love again. Instead of running amuck with these thoughts, I try to turn them around to reflect the truth. The truth of the matter is that I’m a good and lovable person, my exes’ opinions of me have no effect on my worth, and there’s a good chance I’ll find love again.
7. Staying busy was useful. Sitting around and moping happens for some time, but at some point, I had to get moving. Being idle for too long just resulted in overthinking and a cloud of depression. Instead, I had to stay busy. I made tons of plans with friends, I amped up work a little bit and I watched Netflix when I was home. I tried not to stay sitting still for too long to avoid making my mind a playground. No thanks.
8. I let myself grieve. Sure, I did all of these great things to move through the breakup, but one of the uglier things I had to do was let myself feel my feelings. There’s no way over them but through, so I had to grieve as much as I needed to. This looked like lots of crying, bouts of anger, and having to talk to my friends over and over about the same things. It all helped me move through the grief.
9. I didn’t jump right back into dating. One of the ways in the past that I used to attempt to heal was to use another person. I’d get right back out there in dating land and jump into another relationship soon after my breakup. This wasn’t useful. It just left my old wound open. So, now, I take my time. I give myself adequate recovery time before using those dating apps again. My heart was tender and it needed time.
10. I worked on forgiving myself for any mistakes I made. One of the things that keeps me stuck in feeling like I don’t have closure is worrying about all of the stuff I did “wrong.” I’m a human, I make mistakes. They’re going to happen in every relationship and I can’t beat myself up over them. Instead, I had to forgive myself. I had to drop the bat, stop beating myself up, and let myself be a human being. Then, I could move towards that closure I sought so much.