The idea that trust is the foundation of a good relationship isn’t exactly groundbreaking – it’s pretty much common knowledge at this point. Without it, you might be able to soldier on for a while, but it won’t be long before everything falls apart. While the big things that destroy your faith in your partner are well known — cheating, lying, etc. — there are some smaller habits you might not realize are destroying the trust in your relationship. Here a few to watch out for and avoid.
1. You’re late for quality time.
If you’re always late when showing up for plans you made or important meetings with your partner, this gives them the impression that you don’t care about them and you don’t respect their time. It’s even worse if you don’t send them a text to tell them you’re running late. They managed to get there when they said they would, so why can’t you?
2. You don’t show up during bad times.
When your partner’s going through a tough time, you might make yourself scarce because you don’t really know how to help or you’re busy with other things. This is really disrespectful and damaging. If they can’t trust you to support them when they need it, they might see you as someone who just wants to be around for the good times.
3. You say you’ll do something but don’t follow through.
If you say you’ll call or make plans but then it never happens, your actions and words are not in sync. You’re telling them what they want to hear in the moment, but then you’re not making good on your promises. If you’re not showing up for them in such minor ways, how can they trust you to do so for the bigger things?
4. You brush off their feelings.
Maybe you tend to dismiss your partner’s feelings by telling them they’re being “sensitive” or that they’re overreacting when they express an emotion. Over time, this erodes trust in your relationship because your partner will feel like they have to hide their feelings from you. Is that really the kind of partnership you want to be in?
5. You air relationship laundry to your friends.
You might feel comforted by spilling your guts to your friends, moaning about your partner, and digging into your relationship issues, but this can damage trust in your relationship because some things are sacred and private! You’re basically talking about them behind their back and sharing your personal business without your partner’s permission. That’s not cool.
6. You confide in other people about your feelings.
If you’re always rushing to people outside of your relationship when you need to confide about your feelings and problems, you’re totally sidelining your partner. Maybe you don’t trust them, but failing to let them in on what’s going on in your life and prioritizing other relationships will completely erode their trust in you, as well.
7. You dodge responsibility for your actions.
If you’re particularly prideful, you might avoid taking responsibility for your mistakes, and maybe you even point the finger at your partner when things go wrong. Shirking responsibility can damage trust because your partner can’t rely on you to step up and apologize. You should be able to admit when you’re wrong and vow to do better.
8. You’re unpredictable.
While it’s fun to be spontaneous and let your hair down, your partner should never feel unsure about what version they’re going to get of you on a day-to-day basis. If your mood’s a rollercoaster or your behavior changes dramatically overnight, your partner might feel like they don’t even know who you are.
9. You say they’re important but don’t show it.
Here’s another example of actions not matching words. You might tell your partner how valuable they are to you and how much you appreciate having them in your life, but then your actions don’t show it. Maybe you don’t support them or do things to make them feel special, and this will eventually make them doubt the sincerity of your words.
10. You gossip about other people to your partner.
If you love indulging in a hot gossip session about other people to your partner, you might not realize that this is making you seem petty and untrustworthy. How can they be sure that you’re not gossiping about them to other people? This is especially true if you’re always badmouthing other people’s partners or relationships.
11. You ask for advice but criticize it.
When you need advice, you turn to your partner to give you some guidance. However, as soon as they give you their feedback, you shoot them down because you don’t like or agree with what they have to say. They’re left feeling like their good deed is being ripped apart and they wonder why they bothered.
12. You’ve been caught lying.
If you’ve told your partner some lies in the past, whether about your financial situation, your past relationships, or even about your job or family, this will cause your partner to struggle to trust you. While you don’t need to be an open book early on, the things you tell them should at the very least be the truth.
13. You’re critical of them.
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Being critical of everything your partner does can destroy their self-confidence. They’ll feel like they can’t trust you because you’re not a safe place for them to be themselves. They have to hide who they are to prevent being hurt by you, which will cause them to shut down — or shut you out.
14. You say, “I told you so.”
You told your partner that if they didn’t go to the doctor for their cold, it would get worse. You told them that they shouldn’t leave the door open at night because it would attract mosquitoes. What you predicted came true, but don’t throw it in their face! This doesn’t encourage healthy communication and it prevents your partner from opening up to you in the future.
15. You compare your partner to your exes.
There’s never a good reason to compare your partner to your exes. Telling them that your ex was more grateful or was more supportive than them is a horrible attack, and it can zap their confidence. They won’t trust your feelings for them. They’ll always feel they’re not good enough.
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