I Don’t Do “Almost” — Either Date Me For Real Or Don’t Date Me At All

For me, being in an almost-relationship is a special kind of torture, but apparently not everyone thinks that way. I’m tired of guys I date keeping me just close enough for it to be convenient for them, so if you’re not going to commit to me all the way, this is why I’d rather you just cut me loose:

Children play games, and I’m not a child.

This whole vague dating space that serial-almost-relationshippers create is utterly idiotic. This back-and-forth game of ‘Who has the upper hand in not saying what needs to be said’ was fun when I was in college, but not anymore. I appreciate honesty. I value raw truth. You’re not showing any semblance of maturity when you can’t suck it up and tell it like it is.

Indecision is so not sexy.

Never underestimate the sexual allure of a decisive person. It’s directly linked to confidence, so when you’re whine about not being sure how you feel or complain about how everyone wants to put labels on relationships, you sound like an insecure brat. Decisiveness shows that you know yourself, you trust your instincts, and you aren’t afraid to make a tough choice. And THAT is extremely hot.

I really don’t have time for this nonsense. 

I have a life. I have friends. I have a career. I have a dog who requires a whole lot of my attention. I don’t need your nonsense occupying my limited free time. If I choose to give you some of that attention, you should feel honored, because I’m a catch. And if you waste my time with an almost-relationship, I can promise that you’ll regret it after I’ve said “screw it” and walked away.

Keeping me guessing is selfish. 

So let me get this straight: You want me around… for right now. You don’t want to put a label on it, but you do and say all the things people would in a relationship. You don’t want to make any future plans with me, but you expect me to be around the next time you need someone to mess around with or listen to you. Right. And how is that not selfish? Messing with my time and emotions like that just so you can get your way is nothing short of rude.

If I’m not a priority, I already know where I stand. 

You don’t even have to explicitly say that you’re not into me for me to know that’s exactly how you feel. But it’s actually really evil of you to make me feel that way without letting me go. If I have to beg for your attention, I know you don’t want to be with me. If I have to wait several days for you to return a single text, I know this is already over.

I don’t need you or anyone else. 

You seem to be under the assumption that I actually need you at all, You act like I should be grateful to get even some of your attention, and forever indebted if you give me more than that. Sorry, bro, but that’s all kinds of incorrect. I like you, but I don’t need you. I’ll be fine with or without you.

If you can’t see all I have to offer, you’re straight-up blind. 

I have a long list of wonderful qualities, and if you’ve gotten to know me and still don’t see how rad I am, then what are we doing here? When I come across someone who is out-of-this-world magnificent, I let him know, and I make him a priority. I don’t mess with his head, because I know I’ll run the risk of losing him. If you take me for granted, just know that you’re never going to find someone else like me.

Get the attention you need from social media, not from me. 

If all you’re really looking for here is a stream of superficial compliments every day, then take a shirtless selfie, post it on Instagram, and leave me alone. You can get that garbage from the Internet. I’m looking to give and receive way more than that.

The other women you’re probably seeing deserve better, too. 
Anyone in an almost-relationship with someone should know that they’re probably not the only one dating that person. So, to all the women I have ever shared a commitmentphobe almost-boyfriend with: Let’s ditch this POS and grab a drink? Because we all deserve so much more than limited affection from the same dude.

When I love, I love hard. 

Should I decide that you’re worthy of all I have to offer, you’re in for some serious happiness. I love hard. I’m loyal AF. I treat my partner like a king. But I also expect to be treated the same way. If you’re not looking to deliver on that, then you need to go.

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