I Find Romance To Be Really Cheesy And It Makes Dating Hard

I love hearing my guy friends wrack their brains trying to come up with romantic ideas for birthdays, anniversaries and such. It’s even better when they come to me and I’m more clueless than they are. Yes, it’s true. I’m hopelessly unromantic and it’s a pain in the ass when it comes to relationships. I really don’t get that girly, mushy stuff at all.

  1. Valentine’s Day blows and not in a fun way. The most romantic holiday of the year and I feel like the most unromantic man (and yes, I’m a woman) alive. I really do feel sorry for guys with girlfriends and wives that expect the full roses and wine treatment. I try to come up with something romantic for my guy and it’s like giving cubic zirconia when two karat diamonds are expected.
  2. What’s romantic besides sex? I know there are sweet things to do together, but my first thought is just to jump straight to sex and skip the rest. I don’t know how to play those subtle, cutesy games. If I try, I feel more like Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality.
  3. Those random sweet moments are awkward AF. Don’t get me wrong—even as hopelessly unromantic as I am, I do try. I know guys like to be romanced too. Yet, I’d rather speak naked in front a room full of strangers than try to say or do something romantic. It always comes out wrong. Luckily, most guys I’ve dated think it’s cute, so at least there’s that.
  4. My romance sounds more like locker room talk. I kind of relate to those touching locker room scenes in those based on a true story sports movies. That’s what my romantic words sound like. I do give one hell of a pep talk when I try to tell a guy I love him. Then, of course, I sort of choke out the love part.
  5. Feelings are more like squishy slugs I don’t want to deal with. I remember stepping on a slug when I was younger. To me, that’s what feelings are like—having a slug squished between your toes. You’re going have to deal with them, but you really don’t want to. Yeah, I’m just a regular romantic, ain’t I.
  6. I have to say “I love you” often? Ugh. I think it’s adorable when couples have no problem expressing themselves. It took me forever to get used to dating a guy who says “I love you” often. I thought it was just something you said now and again to make sure you were both on the same page. Turns out, I’m supposed to say it whenever I feel like. Ugh… back to slug feelings again.
  7. I don’t have a clue how to pick out a lovey-dovey card. I could sit and read cards for hours and not really know which one is the right one. Should I go sweet or choose a funny fart card? Yeah, the fart card is usually my choice… but then I get that insanely sweet, make me gag card from him and feel a little bad for not doing something nicer for him.
  8. Other women absolutely hate it when I pick movies. I’m hell on double dates. It never fails that I’m the deciding vote on what movie to see. The guys want a comedy or action movie. The other woman wants the latest Nicholas Sparks tear-jerker. Screw that. I want to see hot guys kicking each other’s asses. Why watch something sappy when I could see explosions?
  9. Cynicism is my best friend during romance flicks. I honestly can’t watch any super romantic movie without some smart ass remarks. I’ve tried. I sound like a guy trying to make it through a chick flick. I’ve been called cynical; I just call it not fully understanding romance.
  10. I always assume a random gift means he did something wrong. Okay, so sometimes those gifts really do mean he’s done something wrong, but I shouldn’t always assume that. Flowers at work for no reason or buying me my favorite candy shouldn’t instantly make me suspicious. I skip right over sweet and straight to “what should I be pissed about?”
  11. I can’t be sweet without turning red and giggling like an idiot. Give me an hour and I might come up with the most romantic lines ever (okay, at least for me), but try to get me to say something romantic on the spot and I sound like a giggling idiot. My face turns deep red, my mouth goes dry, and everything comes out back asswards.
  12. Isn’t kicking ass in a geeky board game romantic? I love board games so to me, it’s romantic to sit down and try to beat the hell out of each other. Being victorious is romantic, right? I’m even happy when he wins, but only if there’s lots of trash talk during the game.
  13. My idea of romance is actually picking you as my partner for games. I’m kind of insanely competitive, so I think it’s more than romantic to pick my significant other as my partner, even if I think someone else might be better. I’ve been told this isn’t romance, but what do they know? Who needs romance after all?
  14. Guys absolutely love it. The moment a guy finds out I’m hopelessly unromantic, he’s thrilled. Even if his romantic ideas aren’t perfect, I’m going to be happy. I’m just excited he thought enough about me to try. I just hate I can’t figure out how to do the same for him. Maybe if the romance bar wasn’t always set so high, I wouldn’t have a problem. Oh well, it works for me, even if I’m more of a fart card versus romantic Shakespearean poetry.
Crystal Crowder is a freelance writer and blogger. She's a tech geek at heart, but loves telling it like it is when it comes to love, beauty and style. She's enjoys writing music, poetry and fiction and curling up with a great book. You can find her on Twitter @ccrowderwrites or check out her other writing on Medium.